Expectations Expectations

I have meant to revisit the recent post on friendship but other things got in the way. Now is my opportunity:

What I wrote about friendship applies to families as well. Let us take the parent child relationship as an example: Every child has expectations of his parents [many of them subconscious] . He may expect that they help him with his homework, attend his sporting events, take him places, give him love, attention and warmth. There are always going to be gaps between what a parent does for his child and what the child expects from his parent. This creates much disappointment and provides a great deal of parnassa for therapists.

Parents also have expectations of children with which the children either aren't aware or aren't willing to comply. The parents might expect obedience, respect, good grades, certain religious standards to be met etc. Children don't sit around all day and think - how can I make my parents happy. He is thinking more along the lines of "how can I make myself happy". When the child doesn't comply the parent shouldn't take it personally. It has nothing to do with the parent very often. What a parent should do is reassess if his expectations are reasonable.

The husband-wife relationship is another example. Every couple has an "unwritten marriage contract". Each side comes to the union with a list of expectations [again - many subconscious]. The problems begin when the couple's differing expectations clash.

For example: When the two dated, they would talk for five hours, giving each other undivided attention. She expects these long dates to continue after marriage. They get married and then BOOM. He gets up early, runs to the shul/gym/work and arrives home late. He wolfs down a quick dinner and runs off to maariv, a little learning and then to sleep. She wonders - How come he doesn't spend time with me anymore. His expectations were that she would keep home while he advanced his career, while she was looking for continued romance [of course, this is just an example and there are many many others].

It is important for couples to discuss their expectations and reach agreements that are mutually satisfying.