The previous post gave me insight into something that has been puzzling me for years. There are a lot of Charedi men who smoke. In every Charedi High School [they start early] and Yeshiva Gedola it seems that some of the boys smoke. Outside of countless shuls and shteiblach in Charedi neighborhoods you see men standing around smoking.
Why? It smells, causes many illnesses [printed on the box], is assur according to many poskim and discouraged by others who don't outright forbid it, it is costly [I read that the average smoker spends about 1000 shekel a month on this habit], it forces a person outdoors numerous times a day in the cold winter because he may not smoke indoors etc. etc. So why????
I am an outspoken critic and often stop random people on the street and try to dissuade them from smoking. I don't get it.
Part of it is social pressure. It's cool.
But now I realize that part of it is MASCULINITY. CHAREDI WOMEN NEVER SMOKE!! So when a 14 year old boy starts smoking he is essentially announcing "I am a MAN". That feeling is a deep seated need. I also want to feel like a man. I can just feel it [if I wish] by stroking my beard or using my deep voice but these kids get it when they smoke. All-MENS club. And Charedi boys don't play sports - which is a problem. If they would, maybe they could feel like men without smoking.
Charedi men often don't support their families which is a terrible blemish on their feeling of manhood. What real man is supported by a .... woman???* [I don't mean that as a insult to women, chas vi-shalom. Just an affirmation of man's need to feel that he is the provider. Interestingly, many women feel the need for a man who provides, less for the money but more for the womanly feeling of being taken care of by a man]. I personally have never been supported by my wife because she never worked [except for a very short time at the beginning] and although we needed the money, at least I never felt my manhood being threatened. Had she been the main bread winner, I like to tell myself that I would have been happy for the money but I suspect that it would have been a shot at my masculinity - not healthy for a marriage. [But I do hope that one day she makes a lot of money and I find out how it makes me feel...]
So there are two areas that need to be studied - masculinity as it relates to smoking and bread winning roles. If it is true that all of this women's working and supporting her family so her husband can learn is affecting their gender roles and feelings, then that must be a factor when making life decisions. It is not healthy for a marriage when the man is the woman and the woman is the man. In todays world, I see loads of avreichim who bring their kids to and from school and gan and babysit for them because their wives work. What affect is this having on marriages??
Few things are as damaging to society as when gender roles are confused. The Torah was very clear on this when it forbade men to wear clothing of women and vice versa.
For this reason I am opposed to the push for women to become gemara scholars [not only me]. We don't need men with long hair and high voices. We are happy with the men we have. Gemara trains a person to be cold and analytical. A women's specialty is emotion and feeling and that should be cultivated. OF COURSE, a woman also has an intellect that should be developed, but in a feminine way. Many feminists would curse me if they would read this but would am I supposed to do if that is what I believe is the will of Hashem.
ואכמ"ל.
* I am reminded of Devorah's response to Barak when he asked her to lead the war effort:
וַתֹּאמֶר הָלֹךְ אֵלֵךְ עִמָּךְ אֶפֶס כִּי לֹא תִהְיֶה תִּפְאַרְתְּךָ עַל הַדֶּרֶךְ אֲשֶׁר אַתָּה הוֹלֵךְ כִּי בְיַד אִשָּׁה יִמְכֹּר יְהוָה אֶת סִיסְרָא וַתָּקָם דְּבוֹרָה וַתֵּלֶךְ עִם בָּרָק קֶדְשָׁה.
