This was sent by long time beloved friend who asked to remain anonymous. I don't have a problem posting responses and opinions with which I disagree, but I happen to fully agree with all of his points. Plus he was a die hard Mets fan in the 80's which puts us firmly in the same camp [although I understand many of the 1980's Mets haven't done too well in life. For example: Lenny Dykstra - jail. Gooden and Strawberry - drugs and arrests. Gary Carter - dead of cancer. If you read books about the 1986 Mets you will understand where they were headed. I don't recommend it...]. But I stand by my position [with which my friend doesn't take issue] that sports competitions can and are often blown out of proportion.
I am reminded of the story of Rav Moshe Feinstein, who was asked to test a class of ten year olds in MTJ who had learned shnayim ochazim [no mean feat!]. When the test began, the first question was "What do you do when you get home from school?"
A boy answered "Mir shpeelin ball" [We play ball].
Rav Moshe ztz"l enjoyed the answer and said "Zayer gut. Eahr darft shpeelin ball. Uber vee a Yid shpeelt ball un nisht vee a goy shpeelt ball. Nisht vee vilder chayos un nisht tzu shrayen. Eahr darft oich shpeelin ball uber vee a Yid shpeelt ball." [Very good. You should play ball. But like a Jew plays ball and not like a goy. Not like wild animals and not screaming. You must also play ball but like a Jew plays ball.]
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Whata myseh!
[Kol Hatorah Nissan 5763 page 66]
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1. Masculinity is under full-out attack. This is likely not the case in the Charedi community, but believe me when I tell you that in the modern orthodox communities both in the US and Israel, any relic of the masculine rolls we grew up with is under a full fledged assault and our boys are being raised to believe (consciously or subconsciously) that patriarchy and traditional masculine rolls are evil. Sports is one of the only remaining areas that boys can continue to be boys, with masculinity (and at times aggressive behavior) encouraged. It is true that the Beis Medrash is another safe harbor and that we should be doing more to encourage it, but that is a very hard sell to a child / teenager, and there should be a place for a boy to exert masculinity outside of the Beis Medrash also.
2. Sports offers an opportunity for father / son bonding that in my experience is unparalleled. Again, I’m not claiming that this is how the world should be, just that this is how the world actually is. When I was a kid I was a die-hard Mets fan, but other than that experience in the mid / late 80’s, I really never cared that much about professional sports. I now (Baruch Hashem) have four boys, and my experience is that being able to talk and watch sports with them enables me to connect with them in a way that I otherwise just can’t accomplish. Maybe this is a commentary on me or my boys, but I don’t believe my experience is unique, judging by others that I know in my community. To be clear, this is in addition to learning and davening with them. I actually believe (though of course I could be wrong) that it makes them more open to learning with me.
3. I think it’s important to foster a competitive drive. (This one likely overlaps with #1 above, but is a bit more nuanced.) These kids are growing up in an age of participation trophies – which in my opinion leads directly to the emotion driven thinking that is destroying traditional values. Let them learn to strive and leave it all out there on the court. B’ezras Hashem the time will come where they will rechannel that intensity toward more appropriate goals, but let the intensity be fostered when they are in their developmental years.
4. I think it’s important that they learn to lose with dignity. Life is unfortunately filled with disappointment, and just about every adult I know would agree that “success”, however we define it, comes from being resilient to disappointment. Again, this is a lesson that can be learned elsewhere, but my experience is that it often isn’t.
In short, I think that when parents and children appear to be intensely into sports, there is often more than meets the eye. Moreover, the nature of sports is that intensity often wins and that these lessons can really only be learned when there is a high degree of intensity and striving – so having an attitude of “this is something we do, but it’s really a tufel” (I don’t know how to say that in English) is actually more of a bittal zman (obviously in my opinion) than leaving it all on the court.
Again, I certainly don’t claim to have any monopoly on what is right, but as my views have changed over the last few years, I wanted to share them. As always, I enjoy your blog and very much respect your opinions.
Best,
