There is one type of agunah of whom everybody has heard. She wants a get and her husband refuses to grant her one. That is terrible and well documented.
But there is another type of "chained" woman. She wants to remain married but is miserable in the marriage and wants to get help, but the husband refuses. He is too busy, he claims, or a myriad of other excuses. So the days months and years go by, the woman [and children] suffer, and nothing is done. That is cruelty on the husband's part but he doesn't see it that way and there is no societal taboo so he can feel fine with his behavior.
But it isn't fine. If a spouse is suffering from the relationship then help must be sought out. To refuse help is to cause undue suffering to another human being. And she is chained because she can have no other husband at this time and doesn't want to get divorced. So she is stuck. I am a firm believer in Divine justice and such men will be punished. Big time.
Of course, it is not limited to men. In many cases it is the man who wants to get help for the marriage but the woman refuses for her own reasons. This is obviously just as cruel. He needs a wife, has no other viable options but her and she blocks him off from getting what he needs. He is an "agun" - chained husband. But again, there is no societal pressure on the women, so she can just allow the situation to continue for years, all the while causing her husband untold suffering. Some men "search elsewhere" while married. I don't condone it. It is actually evil. And forbidden. There are no excuses for even looking at another woman, much less developing any type of relationship. But when I hear about such men [statistics aren't clear but probably in well over 50 percent of marriages in the US there is infidelity at some point] or women who do the same, I wonder what was wrong with their marriage that caused them to look elsewhere. A person who is satisfied in his or her marital bond doesn't need to look elsewhere. Of course, dissatisfaction in marriage doesn't justify immoral behavior, but there is a often a correlation. So it behooves both sides to get on the case and do something.
The Medrash teaches that the Greeks made a decree against locking their doors!! This of course had deleterious effects on people's Shalom Bayis:
כתיב (ירמיה נ׳) כה אמר ה׳ צבאות עשוקים בני יהודה ובני ישראל וגו׳ וכתיב גואלם חזק ה׳ צבאות שמו ריב יריב את ריבם למען הרגיע את הארץ והרגיז ליושבי בבל. אמרו בימי היונים נתחייב מקרא זה שהערימו סוד על ישראל אמרו בואו ונחדש עליהם גזירות עד שיבעטו באלהיהם ויאמינו בע״ז שלנו. עמדו וגזרו כל בן ישראל שעושה לו בריח או מסגור לפתחו ידקר בחרב, וכל כך למה כדי שלא יהיה לישראל כבוד ולא רשות (צניעות), שכל בית שאין לו דלת אין לו כבוד ולא צניעות וכל הרוצה ליכנס נכנס בין ביום ובין בלילה. כיון שראו ישראל כך עמדו ובטלו כל דלתות בתיהם ולא היו יכולין לא לאכול ולא לשתות ולא לשמש מטותיהם, בשביל גנבין ולסטין ופריצי יונים, ולא רואין שינה בעיניהם לא יום ולא לילה, ונתקיים עליהם מקרא שכתוב ופחדת לילה ויומם (דברים כ״ח).
So Chanukah is a great time to improve Shalom Bayis. We light on the פתח הבית to remind us of this.
Whatever the state of your marriage - it can be improved. Therapy is great is both sides are invested in the growth process. Even if that avenue isn't taken, couples should be constantly working together on ways to strengthen their bond. אם אין אני אלי - מי לי - If the couple doesn't do it then who will do it for them?!
