Sometimes I go away on long trips to the US. When I return, I can't help but notice that just about nobody even realized that I was gone. No "Welcome back" or "Where have you been" or even "We missed you", just the usual half nod people give each other as they walk into shul to acknowledge the other person's presence while at the same time avoiding any meaningful relationship or connection. I'm like "Hey, I'm back" but they don't really care. לא מעלה ולא מוריד.
Recently, I have been sick like a dog [why that expression? Are all dogs sick? Do they get sicker than other animals?]. Since Monday night, I have only ventured out once to see the doctor [he looked much better than I] but not one phone call asking where I am and if everything is alright. I couldn't even make it to shul on Shabbos. So even though I almost always daven in the same shul and everyone knows me - no inquiries. And by the way - if you don't know me I will tell you that I am NOT a quiet guy. Some would argue - the least quiet guy in my neighborhood hands down. No competition. [I am not necessarily proud of it - but so is my nature].
This leads me to believe that I don't really make a difference in people's lives. Here, not here - all the same. That is distressing. We all want to feel that we made an impact on the lives of others. So I will die, some people will come to the funeral, then many will make the perfunctory shiva call, waiting for that first guy to stand up and say המקום ינחם so that they can follow suit - and life goes on. As the popular song of the 70's went "Hey Hey Hey, another one bites the dust".
These thoughts and feelings bring me back to high school where I suddenly and inexplicably disappeared from school in the middle of tenth grade, yet except for one good friend - nobody called to ask where I was [maybe one other boy - not sure about that]. And THIS boy, later in life when I needed him most - pretended that I didn't exist. Sweet friend. [No anger chas vi-shalom. Just some hurt. Anyway - tens of millions of dollars tend to corrupt people].
But it is not only my own personal failure in making a mark on people's live because to some degree I believe that I do [if you are reading this then that would be an indication that on some level I am making a difference].
The explanation and lesson
I don't think that people are bad. At least not the people I associate with. I actually believe they are quite good. But even "quite good" people have a human flaw that they are so focused on themselves and their own lives that they don't really notice the "other" qua "other", but only insofar as the other meets their needs. So if I were the only guy with the keys to the shul and I hadn't left my house for a week, EVERYBODY would be talking about me [some of the more zealous possibly suggesting I be stoned. In the biblical sense and not in the party sense]. If I were the manager of the local supermarket and I closed up shop while I was sick, the WHOLE TOWN would be up in [their now much thinner due to hunger] arms [we only have one supermarket]. But since I am merely one of many people who is not really needed by anybody - nobody notices. And if they do - I am not worth a call.
I taught in a Yeshiva for over 20 years and was fired [why? Ask the boss. But not because I did anything bad, chas vi-shalom. But it wasn't because he loved me too much. I liked to call myself the "Firedike Rebbe"]. No goodbye's [with one significant exception - and he was chastised for it!]. No thank you's. No "it was nice working with you". I just ceased to exist in their world because they no longer saw me.
And so it goes....
So my message is not to get sympathy. I don't like sympathy. I doesn't help me. If I could pay my rent with sympathy I would ask you to send some and pay my rent but my landlord demands shekalim. So none of that. Plus - I am in many ways the most fortunate person alive. Not in the Lou Gerhig sense, but really - without the horrific disease, BARUCH HASHEM.
What yes? Notice the people around you. Take an interest. Show you care. Not as a "show" but for real. [Just like people who practice medicine shouldn't really be practicing. If they are - stay away...]. If you don't see someone around - drop them a line. Tell them you were thinking of them.
People sometimes say "send regards" Today - we don't have to send regards anymore. Everyone texts or emails or calls. "Sending regards" is often just a cop out [what do you call a policeman who quits? A "cop out"] for creating true connection. I don't have the time or patience to call him so I'll send regards and feel like a great guy that I sent him a message that I remembered him. No - pick up the phone and say "Hey Jack - was thinking of you and wanted to see how things are?" [If he says "My name isn't Jack" then you have the wrong number. What then? Maybe for another post]. There are actually quite a few people out there who wish that they could open up to someone but can only find one type of person who is willing to listen - i.e. one who says that he or she will listen but on condition that 45 minutes into the conversation you give them about 300 hundred dollars. [And people actually pay it!!!]. Others don't want to open up [EVERYBODY is afraid to open up - we all walk around with bottled up secrets for only Hashem to see] but at least want to know that someone cares.
I often quote the Ponovitcher Rov who was asked about his thoughts upon man reaching the moon. He said "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." No. Actually that was Neil Armstrong. The Ponovitcher Rov said that indeed man reached all the way to the moon but לב אל לב לא נגעו - Hearts have yet to touch.
THAT is what we need.
Complete health and prosperity to all of my beloved friends and may we merit to spread light and goodness wherever we go.
PS - When I do die, one of my wishes is that the posts that I wrote for the blog [both here and there] be edited and committed to book form. I told my wife but she didn't seem thrilled by the idea so I am throwing it out there.
