Q's And A's On Marriage

Dedicated to all of the friends who flatter me by confiding in me about their personal relationship dilemmas.

Q - How do I know he [she] is the right one for me to marry?

A - You don't.

Q - When will I know?

A - At least a year after the marriage. Often many more years after marriage.

Q - So why should I marry him?

A - Because Hashem wants you to marry.

Q - But why a specific guy?

A - Because you see that he has qualities you admire, shares with you a vision for the future, you enjoy his company, you have heard good things about him from his Rabbeim etc., and there is a physical attraction.

Q - For how long should I date?

A - Not too long. It is against halacha. Long enough to determine that you have raw materials to create a beautiful, harmonious marriage. Then marry him and get to work [not at speech therapy or special ed. but at marriage]! But don't rush into it either. Speak to someone you trust before making the decision [but not a single friend].

Q - Why can't I know he is the right one for me before marriage?

A- Because after marriage many things come out that were unknown before marriage. Like how you act when you are pregnant or how he acts when you wake him up for minyan on Sunday and he wanted to sleep [not telling you to do it - just giving an example]. Or how he is as a father. Or how many dishes he does. Or how often she criticizes you AFTER she made the catch.

Q - Let's say I see after being married for a while that I made a mistake?

A - We don't believe in divorce unless there are extenuating circumstances. Make it work. Treat him like a king and see what happens. Take responsibility to make the marriage work. Go for counseling. Do anything to create a lasting bond. We don't throw away spouses like an old useless gadget.

Q- What if there is abuse?

A - Go to the police and get out of there.

Q - Is that all?

A - No. There is lots more but I try to keep things concise. I may add that you really need to daven that you get the right one. Marriage the Torah way is the most beautiful thing in the world - if done correctly.