It's Not Working!

Dear ...,

HI! I wanted to ask you a question. I keep davening for my zivug and he is not coming. I am getting very frustrated and frankly quite angry at Hashem at times. What is the point of all this davening if I am not getting what I want and need. My friends are already having their second and third kids and I am stuck in my depressing apartment with my two similarly unhappy single roommates. Do you have any insight?

Frum but Frustrated

My answer:

HIIII!!!:-)

We always must try to distinguish between "means" and "ends". To daven is the "end" because it brings us closer to our beloved Father. The need we have that we are trying to get fulfilled is the means by which we connect. So ultimately it doesn't really matter whether our needs are met because we connected. Getting married is a means by which we connect to Hashem by loving another person and building a family. But if He decided it's not time yet then it is not our fault and we must find other means by which we can connect. Getting married is not the only reason we are here. It is an important component of our existence but not the only one.

Hashem is not a candy machine where we deposit the necessary change in the slot [tefillah] and we get what we want. He wants to give us the pleasure of connecting to Him in a deep way so he creates needs and after we daven MAYBE we will merit to have our request fulfilled. The important thing is that after we daven WE are transformed into deeper, more spiritual, more emunah filled people. Whatever He decides to do is His business. We know that whatever He decides is absolutely for our best because he loves us 'AHAVAS OLAM' [from the nightly maariv] - eternal abiding love. We know this because he sent the nevi'im to clearly convey this message to the Jewish People. אהבתי אתכם אמר ה' - מלאכי פרק א

However, there is an element of pain and loneliness as well. So I would recommend that you make a list of thing to DO that give you simcha and then set aside time to do them, such as chesed, reading, learning, art, music, trips etc. etc. It is not within your power completely to get married but it IS within your power to determine your mood and activities.

About your married friends and the envy you may feel at times - DON'T! They ALL have their own problems that you don't want. Many of them are UNHAPPILY MARRIED. Many have problems with their children. Others suffer from a variety of physical and/or emotional problems and/or financial problems. EVERYONE has things to deal with and being married NEVER solves all of one's problems. So try if you can to have an ayin tova and to feel JOY at the good fortune of your friends. REMEMBER, their success is not at your expense. They are not married to your husband, they didn't give birth to your children and they don't have your money. Hashem gives everyone what they need to fulfill their purpose on earth.

MAY HASHEM BLESS YOU WITH A WONDERFUL HUSBAND AT THE RIGHT TIME AND YOU SHOULD BUILD WITH HIM A HOLY JEWISH FAMILY!!

BLEEEESSSINGS!!!