The recent spate of complaints of sexual assault and abuse and general inappropriate behavior has been a complete, frontal, 100 percent attack on men alone. Where is the equality?? How come we only hear about the female victims and the male aggressors and never about the female aggressors and the male victims?
For the same reason we don't hear of females who are professional football players or males who work in day care and spend all day taking care of babies - namely, they don't exist. When it comes to crimes of a sexual nature, it is almost exclusively a male domain. Women can be plenty evil too, but generally not in this regard.
What this shows is that the way men view women and sexuality is very different from the way women view men and sexuality. For example, a man - any healthy man - will see an attractive woman he has never met or seen before and within one second he has a desire to be in bed with her. This desire is suppressed because he knows that he has little chance but if she were willing then it would happen all the time - especially if the men could ensure that their wives would never find out and also provided that they lacked any fear of G-d as a deterrent. Any man who says he isn't interested is either a complete tzadik [in the sense of the Tanya i.e. he lacks an evil inclination], or he is lying or he is homosexual or he suffers from dangerously low testosterone levels ל"ע. Otherwise that is what he wants because that is his nature. There is nothing wrong with that. [He shouldn't have looked in the first place but sometimes he has to cross the street and it is dangerous to do so with one's eyes closed].
Women, on the other hand, require more that just a momentary glance to have such desires. In addition, a woman will see the act as a means towards cememting and enhancing a "relationship" whereas a man will see the relationship as starting and ending with relations. Of course, men want meaningful relationships and women enjoy sexual contact but there is definitely a different perspective on sex between the genders. We cannot encompass the entire topic in one post but that is a coarse, general summary.
What does this have to do with us? We are Yirei Shomayim!! We NEVER look or even THINK of a woman besides our own wives. Or at least we try. And we certainly never ACT inappropriately. We leave that to our Presidents. The White House has seen more adultery than Washington Heights has seen Dominicans. Baruch Hashem [that we are good Jews - not that there is so much adultery in the White House]. But here is where it gets sticky. We have wives. Or better - a wife. One per person. And the differences in sexual desire and interest are almost ALWAYS going to be an issue. An issue that most are ill equipped to deal with. How are they supposed to know anything about dealing with this discrepancy? 16 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars of education and not one word about the topic. We all learned American History and algebra, neither of which we ever use [THANK G-D!!] but we never learned how to deal with marriage difficulties, especially those of a sexual nature. And these problems carry over to areas outside the strict confines of the bedroom and affect the general mood in the home and the children. Sex is not just a physical, animalistic act, but has deep emotional and spiritual ramifications.
Solutions
The first stage is appreciating that men and women are very different sexually. And each individual is different. So expect it to be a challenge.
The second stage is to discuss it maturely and with a desire to come to a mutually satisfying solution. Both parties need to be pleased as much as possible. Each side should try to focus on what their partner wants and needs while not neglecting their own needs. We are not angels.
The third stage is to realize that even after all of the talk and desire to satisfy - it won't always be perfect.
If a couple sees that it is not working then they should go to a frum professional and get help.
