PYONGYANG — In a stunning display of grassroots democracy that definitely wasn't fueled by the rhythmic clicking of assault rifle safety catches, Kim Jong-Un has been re-elected as Supreme Leader, Supreme Snack-Consumer, and All-Around Best Guy.
The "People’s Choice" secured a modest 104% of the vote—a statistical miracle attributed to Kim’s undeniable boyish charm, his promise of "three meals a decade," and the three-story-tall posters reminding citizens that voting for anyone else is a "self-correcting lifestyle choice."
"The people have spoken," said a government spokesperson while nervously checking a live feed of his own family in a holding cell. "And what they said was, 'Please don't put us in the woodchipper, we love the haircut, it's very slimming.'"
Kim’s platform, titled “Bread, Peace, and I Will Personally Feed Your Liver to a Badger if You Hesitate at the Ballot Box,” resonated deeply with the starving populace. Campaign rallies were high-energy affairs, featuring synchronized weeping, mandatory cheering that lasted for eight consecutive hours, and a "Kiss the Ring or Lose a Wing" meet-and-greet.
"I am humbled by this totally voluntary landslide," Kim told a crowd of 50,000 people who were physically chained to their bleacher seats. "To those who supported me, I promise to continue our journey toward nuclear relevance. To the 0.001% of you who didn't vote for me: I have already seen your fingerprints on the ballots, and I look forward to hearing your 'constructive criticism' while you are suspended over a vat of boiling vinegar."
"Thank you for your support and for not forcing me to kill you," Kim said. "It means so much to my family and me that you would once again choose us to lead our people and our great nation. As always, it is my solemn pledge to you that I will do everything in my power to earn your loyalty, and my other solemn pledge is that if you are not loyal to me, I will see to it that you experience a most painful death. Thank you."
Sources say Kim’s first act of his new term was to host an intimate "Feedback Brunch" for the seven people who dared to leave their ballots blank. The brunch reportedly featured no food, but did include a very lively demonstration of how many volts a human elbow can withstand before it hums like a microwave.
The "opposition candidate"—a local man named Park who was only on the ballot because he accidentally checked the wrong box while trying to apply for more sawdust rations—has been graciously invited to participate in the nation’s new aerospace program. Specifically, he will be strapped to the nose cone of a Taepodong missile to see if "human wind-resistance" improves aerodynamics.
From his gold-leafed balcony at Mar-a-Lago, former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social to offer his "warmest, most envious congratulations" to the North Korean leader, while simultaneously complaining that the "Fake News Media" would never give him credit for such a dominant performance.
"Big win for Chairman Kim! 104% of the vote. Very impressive, even though I probably did 110% in 2020 if you count the secret ballots under the floorboards," Trump posted in all caps. "He’s a tough cookie, a smart cookie. When he speaks, his people sit up at attention. My people? They just ask about ‘due process’ and ‘the Constitution.’ Boring!"
During a televised "emergency press conference" held next to a stack of classified folders he’s using as a coffee table, Trump expanded on his admiration for Kim’s electoral strategy.
"You look at the 0.07% who didn't vote for him. Very low energy. Very sad," Trump told a group of confused tourists. "And Kim, he handles it perfectly. He asks for their feedback, and then he gives them to the sharks. It’s a very efficient system. We have sharks here too, by the way. Great white sharks. Some say the best sharks. But the Radical Left won't let us use them. They say it’s 'unethical' to feed CNN reporters to the sharks. Can you believe it?"
Trump reportedly spent most of the afternoon calling his campaign advisors to ask if they could look into "the cannon thing."
"Did you see the cannon? He launched the other guy into the DMZ. Boom. Gone. No more debates, no more nasty questions. That’s called a 'decisive victory,'" Trump said, while sketching a diagram of a catapult labeled MAGA-PULT on a Mar-a-Lago cocktail napkin. "I told my team, I said, 'Look at the cannon. Why don't we have a cannon for Ron DeSanctimonious?' They told me it’s against the zoning laws in Palm Beach. Total Witch Hunt!"
According to sources, Trump also expressed extreme jealousy over the "mandatory weeping" portion of Kim’s victory rally.
"When I walk into a room, people cheer, but they don't always sob uncontrollably for three days straight," Trump complained to an aide. "Kim’s got the sobbing. It’s beautiful sobbing. Very high ratings. I want the sobbing. If the people aren't dehydrated from crying by the time I finish my speech, the rally is a failure. Get me some tear gas—we’ll make them cry one way or the other. It’ll be the most emotional inauguration in history!"
At publishing time, Trump was seen trying to trade a slightly used Mar-a-Lago membership for a copy of North Korea’s "No-Choice" ballot software, claiming it would be "perfect for the 2024 primary, but only if we can change the sharks to crocodiles with lasers."
At publishing time, the North Korean state media had already released next year’s election results, confirming that Kim Jong-Un has already won by 112%, including votes from three different species of local birds and several deceased ancestors who "rose from the grave specifically to click the 'Kim' button."
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Mussar Haskel: Wherever you live - you are BLESSED!!
