Last night Dennis Prager spoke at YU. Now he is far from being a Ben Torah. He describes himself as being a religious Jew but not an Orthodox Jew which basically means that he gets to decide what he keeps and what he doesn't.
That being said, his talk was remarkably accurate from a Torah perspective [Baruch Hashem for that, because he spoke during night seder....]. One example was that he said that a woman should be with her husband even if she doesn't feel like it. This offends many who accuse him of condoning rape. That, of course, is absurd. He never says that a husband should force a wife but that a wife should do it willingly because that is part of her job [just as a man is obligated to be with his wife if she is interested even if he doesn't feel like it]. The gemara in Nedarim [15b] says that a woman can't make a neder forbidding her husband to be with her because שיעבודי משעבדת ליה - She is subjugated to him. Just as she cooks him dinner even if she doesn't feel like it and just as she picks the kids up from school even if she doesn't feel like it - should should have relations with her husband even if she doesn't feel like it. And make it good for him.
Why? Because marriage is a contractual obligation. Both sides have a myriad of obligations to fulfill. One of these obligations is sexual. A man can get food elsewhere. He can get his laundry done elsewhere. Just about everything his wife does for him he can get elsewhere - except for sex. If she denies him [or he denies her] on a consistent basis, it is cruel and a sure-fire way to destroy their marriage.
If we live based on "moods" alone, then every one of us would cheat on our wives [if we were sure we wouldn't get caught]. We would also steal and do a lot of other things. The yetzer hara makes his living off "moods". He LOVES them. עצלות, עצבות, תאוה, כעס, יאוש - all moods.
Masechtos Ksubos and Kiddushin talk about marriage but not a word about romance. Why not? Because the romance comes after each side is completely focused on fulfilling all of the obligations delineated in the gemaros.
Some people are not really cut out to support a family. They are just not good at making money. All they want to do is learn and teach Torah [or li-havdil play video games or go traveling etc.]. Teaching doesn't support a family and learning can't support a rabbit. But then reality strikes - nobody asked them if they are cut out for it. So is life. If one doesn't want responsibilities, he could have choose to live as a vagabond. I don't recommend it. Life, Prager stressed, is not about "moods". That is why Hashem gave us "mitzvos" - commandments. Spot on.
This is a great way of looking at life. It would certainly solve a lot of shalom bayis problems. Of course the ideal is that both partners should always be in the "mood" at the same times but that is an impossibility. So we fulfill all of our spousal, parental, communal, religious and social obligations regardless of whether or not we feel like it.
This, we are kind whether or not we feel like it. We are generous whether or not we feel like it. We learn our daf-yomi whether or not we feel like it. We respond to emails and return phone calls whether or not we feel like it. We dance at a wedding whether or not we feel like it. We help our kids with their homework whether or not we feel like it etc. etc. Ultimately, fulfilling our obligations will make us HAPPY as well.
A beautiful poem I saw many years ago:
I slept and dreamt that life was joy.
I awoke and saw that life was duty.
I acted and behold, duty was joy.
So sweet friends, fulfill all of your obligations and do so with a feeling of simcha and you will see how much you grow from the experience!!!
