A Miracle In The Making

To continue the subject that we have been discussing. On the surface there is one issue involved - are frum boys superficially choosing a spouse? The truth is that there is a MUCH more fundamental and basic issue at hand.

I really need a book to fully explain myself but I will try to summarize the "book" in this post. There are two basic paths in life. Path 1: Ruchniyus, purity, holiness, spiritual elevation etc. Path 2: Gashmiyus, impurity, filth, immersion in the more base elements of our being. As Chazal say in the Gemara - In three ways we are similar to angels and in three other ways we are similar to animals.

The question is, what do I truly value, the angelic side of me or the animalistic? As Rabbeinu Yonah says in his Shaarei Teshuva and Maran HaRav Hutner [zchuso yagein aleinu, mee yitein lanu tmuraso!] in the Pachad famously expands, a persons spiritual level is gauged by what he values and conversely by what he considers meaningless [koach ha'hillul neged koach ha'chillul].

Eliyahu Hanavi in the showdown at Har Hacarmel told the Jews - If Hashem is G-d, go after Him, if the Baal is god, go after him. THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND! Anybody who is middle of the road in his relationship to Hashem is not on Hashem's side. "Hashem Echad" means that there is no other REALITY! Any other considerations in life besides the will of Hashem are considered by our hallowed tradition nothing less than AVODA ZARA - foreign worship. If a person believes that anything matters other than Hashem he is completely out the bounds of acceptability on ANY level.

Hashem says in His Torah: "See I place before you life and good, death and evil" - There is NO middle ground. To use a sports metaphor - you can't play for two opposing teams at the same time.

To our topic. If a yeshiva bachur makes just about the most important decision in his life based on a girls dress size or her hair color and pretty eyes then this casts a pall over EVERYTHING that he does - his learning, davening, chesed etc. This means that what is dominant in his world view is his ANIMAL side. All of his ruchniyus is really gashmiyus.

And that, sweetest friends, is nothing less than frightening.

Please let me be clear. As one of my single friends says to shadchanim "I am not a picky guy , but I am a guy". A guy MUST be a guy. "Vi'anshei Kodesh tihiyun li" - the Kotzker says that means that Hashem wants Heilige MENTSCHEN, people not angels. The writer of this post is a male also, with all that this entails. When I was looking for a wife I certainly noticed what the girl I met looked like. Chazal already say that it is FORBIDDEN to marry a woman before looking at her. OF COURSE it matters! But that MUST NOT be the primary concern and a girl should not be rejected because she doesn't look like a prutza in Hollywood. There are many many fine bnos Torah who wouldn't get on a movie screen [nor would they want to] but who would make FABULOUS wives and mothers.

After 16 years of marriage [this month!] I can say that my wife's physical appearance has had a VERY MINOR influence on her my level of satisfaction and as time goes on I care less and less because I have learned that a wife's character and level of purity and many other qualities mean infinitely more that the chitzoniyus.

I hope people read this and take it to heart and give girls a chance. When you get to know and love somebody, something miraculous happens.

She becomes beautiful.

When I went to Rav Aviner's blog to copy the piece about face book I came across this letter.

At first, I wanted to get married to a beautiful woman. I was young and I didn't understand life. I didn't understand that grace is false and beauty is vain. I didn't understand that a beautiful woman is no help if she has bad character traits and that she will embitter my life. I learned this lesson the hard way. I met many young women for the purpose of getting married, who were externally pleasant, but did not have a good heart. I finally understood that inner beauty is what is important. Beauty is important – but inner beauty. I then got married to my wife, who is the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes. Her good character traits give her incredible beauty. And the wonder is that this beauty does not wither with time. On the contrary, it grows. At first, I thought that I would love a woman who is beautiful. It then became clear to me that it is the opposite.

Because I love her, she is beautiful.



Love and blessings sweetest friends and PLEASE - continue sending feedback and pass these words on to others who may benefit from them.