Learning To Listen

In my lifetime, I have probably met tens of thousands of people. I have conducted countless conversations. Here is a quality that I have met almost nobody who possesses.

The ability to LISTEN.

Am I implying that everybody is deaf? Hardly.

What I mean is as follows....

EVERYBODY has a unique way of viewing life. This is a result of natural inclinations, life-experiences, education, surroundings, parents etc. etc. To listen is to MEET THE OTHER PERSON ON HIS OR HER TURF. It is to step out of one's shoes and try to really "hear" where the other person is coming from. When the other person utters a sentence, one is NOT to immediately [as we ALL do] refract what they are saying through the lense of one's own being, but rather to try to experience who that other person is, how they feel and what makes them tick.

This is a critical point when relating to .... women and children. A woman is not a man [BIG CHIDDUSH]. The mistake men make is relating to women as men with high pitched voices. It is so rare for a man to meet a woman on her terms precisely because he can't possibly imagine what  it is like to have a female brain and psyche. [A woman, in turn, cannot possibly fully understand a man. Try explaining to a woman that a playoff game is as important as life itself.....:-)].

When a guest comes over and the house is a bit messy, not only am I not bothered but I don't even notice. I cannot count the number of times I have been to people's houses and the woman of the house profusely apologizes for the "terrible mess". It is a different way of looking at the world and must be accepted and even embraced.

Children are not adults in smaller bodies. Children have underdeveloped brains, or better, developing brains, and a different way of viewing life. A parent must LEARN his children and embrace who they are and where they are holding.

One should certainly criticize others when it is constructive and necessary. The sina qua non is to fully understand the person before voicing criticism. We are so quick to express our educated opinions on many different matters without fully grasping the reality of the parties or issues involved. The only way the criticism will be accepted is if the person feels understood. It seems to me that in 99 percent of all instances, this is not the case.   

Nu - an avoda for Elul. Listen, validate, accept, absorb, be fully engaged. In yiddishkeit we call those qualities "Bein Adam La-chaveiro".