The Capacity To Listen

What does it mean to listen? Listening is the most basic key to effective communication. If one wants a good marriage, well-adjusted children or to be a good friend, he must learn to listen.

Most listening is just waiting for the person to finish so that we can say what we want to say. What is the difference between a monologue and a dialogue? A monologue is when one person speaks and other people listen. A dialogue is when two people speak and ..... nobody listens.

We often create contact because we need stimulation [See "Facebook"]. We want Shabbos guests so that the meal will be interesting. We are human beings and the cholent and kugel are not enough to enable us to completely enjoy the gastronomical experience. We want company. Look inside a restaurant or in a hotel dining room, how many people are eating alone? Almost nobody or nobody. They are not eating there primarily because they are hungry but for social purposes. As Aristotle put it: “Man is by nature a social animal; an individual who is unsocial naturally and not accidentally is either beneath our notice or more than human. Society is something that precedes the individual. Anyone who either cannot lead the common life or is so self-sufficient as not to need to, and therefore does not partake of society, is either a beast or ...." If the person with whom we are eating is saying something interesting then we listen but usually so that he can finish and we can share what we have to add. If he is saying something uninteresting then we tune the person out. But the listening usually revolves around ourselves, unless we are being polite and feigning interest in the other person. At Mevakesh we aren't big fans of fakeness:-).

When someone - let's say a spouse or child - tells us that he is "sad", we imagine how we would feel if we were sad and assume that he feels the same way. That, say the experts, is a mistake. He DOESN'T feel the way you would. People experience things in a completely different way. Sometimes we decide that the other persons feelings aren't justified because if we were in an identical situation, we wouldn't feel the way this person does. That of course is another symptom of the self-absorption that afflicts so much of society. Just because I would have a different reaction, why does that make his feelings illegitimate? It doesn't, but the reality is that most people can only view other's through the prism of their own experience and perspective.

Even therapists make this mistake. They are paid hundreds of dollars to listen but spend much of their time thinking about what the right response should be. They also will often extract from their world view and judge how the client should be feeling and reacting. Quite patronizing if you ask me. Especially given the fact that studies show that a large percentage of therapists themselves need therapy. But who am I to impinge on the parnassa of good people.....

The only time I ever feel I have a real conversation with anybody is on Shabbos and Yom Tov. This is because that is the only time people aren't checking their phones or other toys every 15 seconds. I feel bad for goyim who don't have Shabbos and Yom Tov. When do they ever have the opportunity to listen or to be heard? 

If you learn how to listen, you are a rare, special person who has much to give to the world. Listen to your spouse, listen to your child, listen to your friend, listen to a shiur. Tune the whole world out and listen:-)!