Remaining With Questions

"Fun a kashya, shtorbt men nicht"

"From a question nobody dies"

Yiddish Aphorism

Today I had to make a trek to the unemployment office in Yerushalayim. It is a weekly journey that requires me to first wait for a hitch to leave my neighborhood, followed by a healthy "power walk" to the office, I register that I am still unemployed, then I make my way home, usually stopping at a used sefarim store to pick up a metzia to expand my consciousness [today I picked up a Nachalas Tzvi for seven shekel, a sefer about the laws of marriage and divorce by the legendary Rov from Toronto, HaRav Gedalia Felder z"l].

I can't really say that I have no "job" because learning and davening keep me quite busy. Avodas Hashem is a 24 hour job. But according to Israeli law I have no job. All I have to do is prove that I have no "real job" and no other income, then they give me a lot less than I need to live. IF they see that I have other income even it is not enough to live, and need the unemployment to fill in what I am missing, then I do not qualify. Then, most of the unemployment goes away on the dreaded apartment tax known as "arnona". This is not what I dreamed to be doing as a child but I try to take everything in a good spirit and with a healthy sense of humor. I have so much bracha - why focus on what doesn't seem right??

Last week Aliza [the clerk at the unemployment office] saw everyone coming only to her and she bitterly complained "Why is everyone coming to me?" So I said "You are popular. You could be Prime Minister". She insisted that she is not popular [gee whiz! Take the compliment!:-)]. She then asked me what my cell phone number is. I said [tongue in cheek] "I am unemployed. How am I supposed to be able to afford a phone?!" Hehe. [Even beggars at the Kotel have cell phones. There are other reasons why I don't have a one which are beyond the scope of this post.] One guy told me with a smile that there are inexpensive plans. A lady opined that it could be the phone I bought when I still had a job.

Today I was walking down the street next to the Russian Compound on my way home and was pondering the following. A friend of mine wrote a book on life and its struggles for those who are searching for Hashem [called נגוהות by R' Aharon Stern Shlita. Highly recommended:-)!]. One chapter [based on a Torah of Rebbe Nachman] was about the importance of QUESTIONS.

I will put it in my words and thoughts: People like having answers. Questions make them uncomfortable. But life is FILLED with unanswerable questions. Every answer one gives leads to more questions. Everyone who has ever learned gemara seriously knows this. A certain gemara doesn't make sense. After consulting a chavrusa/ Rabbi/ Artscroll or sweating a lot, he finally gets it. But then he thinks about it and something doesn't make sense. Ahhhh - Rashi answers the question in 3 words. Great! Got it!! But wait - he could have given a much more logical answer. Why didn't he say THAT? Hmmmmm. So he opens up a Pnei Yehoshua who answers the question. But on that answer there is another question from a different gemara. Ad infinitum. It never ends. And how many sugyos end with תיקו. No final answer. Such is Talmud. Such is LIFE.

Theological questions. Why did the Holocaust happen? I have seen alllll the answers and I am left with one question - Why did the Holocaust happen?? I am not doubting Hashem. I AM doubting the limits of my puny brain to comprehend catastrophes of such magnitude. How can I take the Great G-d and neatly place Him within the framework of my limited intelligence. I DON'T UNDERSTAND AND REMAIN WITH A QUESTION. THAT IS OK. No, not just OK. That is the way of life. כי לא יראני האדם וחי - To see means to understand. A person cannot understand Hashem in this world and live. We try our best but know that ultimately there is going to be a point where we reach an intellectual brick wall which will present difficulties that will only become clear at the end of days. Hashem is compared by the Torah to a consuming fire [אש אוכלה]. If you try to grasp fire with your hand it will be burnt. If you fully grasp Hashem with your mind - it will be fried.... [My shadchen spoke about this idea at my son Shmuli's נ"י bris seuda at a restaurant next to the Kings Hotel over 16 years ago when I was deliciously young and naive:-)].

Older singles with tears on their cheeks often ask "Why does Hashem not bring me my zivug. He could???" I have an easy answer - "I don't know. Only Hashem knows and I am sure that He has His reasons." [That answers the theological question. What the person REALLY means quite often is "I am in pain". For pain relief we don't philosophize but EMPATHIZE!]

Why do children get cancer? Why do adults get cancer? Young mothers??? Tzadikim?? אל אמונה ואין עוול declares the pasuk in Parshas Ha-azinu. Hashem is a G-d of faith with no injustice. But do I get it? No. I just keep learning in order to come closer to some level of understanding. I do so because that is my mandate as a thinking Jew. Moshe Rabbeinu ALSO had questions which Hashem didn't answer [see Brachos 7].

We call a study hall a "Beis Medrash" - a house of seeking. We seek and seek and seek. But there is never a point where we can say "I understand everything. Done." People want easy, pat answers to everything. Sometimes boys ask me questions and I tell them that BOOKS have been written in order to explain this issue. They will say  "OK, so tell me the bottom line." Meaning, I don't want to trouble myself with seeking. Just give me a 15 second sound bite. That is much of what we see on various "question - answer" websites. I feel it is a disgrace to Torah and to Hashem. Since the answers are often lacking and inadequate, they misrepresent the Torah. Also, it shows that people think "I have it. I understand Hashem perfectly". We know that HASHEM is perfect but us imperfect tipa sruchas can never hope to fully comprehend His Divine Intelligence. All we can do is learn and learn, experience and seek. But to say "I have all the answers" is misplaced arrogance.

Anyway, back to our story. I was pondering this point when I saw a huge color poster with the picture of a famous kiruv activist. The caption invited everyone to a talk of his where he promises that he will "ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS". "תשובות לכל השאלות"

The search is over. In one hour one will gain a complete understanding of all the secrets of the universe.

HMMMMMMMMMM.

I will not attend the talk but will keep seeking the Holy [but often hidden] Face of Hashem. I hope you will join me.

את פניך השם אבקש - Your face, I will [future tense, meaning constantly] seek.