Unwritten Contracts

The halacha is very specific about defining the parameters of relationships. Let us give a number of examples: A child is obligated to honor and fear his parents, rise when they enter the room, avoid contradicting them, bring them food, avoid sitting in their place etc. etc. A child is NOT obligated to honor his parents with his own funds. He is also NOT obligated to listen to them when it comes to choosing a spouse or in matters not pertaining to them [according to some sources].

Marriage: A husband must support his wife, pay her medical bills, honor her etc. etc. A wife must perform those wifely duties that are accepted in the place they live [see the Rambam in the 21st chapter in Hil. Ishus]. They are both obligated to be intimate with the other. Refraining from fulfilling one's obligations are grounds for divorce [even הוא בבגדו וכו' יוציא ויתן כתובה].

Student to teacher - there are very specific laws delineated by the Rambam in Hilchos Talmud Torah.

Sometimes, there are gray areas that aren't so clear and one needs a healthy moral compass to decide what is the right way to act. One must define for oneself WHAT THE EXACT PARAMETERS of the relationship are. This certainly applies to friendship, where the halacha is less clear about what friendship means.

Example: What does it mean to be a good friend? I live in Israel. My friend arrives on a visit, do I go to the airport and pick him up?? How far do I travel in order to take part in his simcha and how long do I stay [as we have recently discussed]? How often do I call? Do I call?? Some friends have a friendship where one often calls the other but the friend rarely reciprocates. Each has a different definition of the parameters of the relationship.

In marriage, there is something called "The Unwritten Marriage Contract". Each side consciously or unconsciously has expectations from themselves and from their partner. What makes things exciting is that there is almost always a gap between what the wife expects and what the husband expects. This results in "conflict". HELLLLLOOOOO, MARRIAGE COUNSELOR!!

The Rambam writes that a Rebbi must relate to his student as he would relate to his very own child [Talmud Torah 5/ 12]. What does this entail? The Rambam doesn't say but I have some of mine own ideas as to what it means. A student, outside of what is codified in halacha, has other general obligations to a Rebbi. For example, if the Rebbi is giving a shiur, the right thing to do is to ATTEND. Can a student be expected to attend every shiur his Rebbi ever gives? That seems a tad bit much. So how often should he attend?? It seems that most students feel no obligation to attend a shiur out of respect to the Rebbi and will only attend if they personally feel that they will benefit and it fits into their "schedule" [we make our schedule...]. As a student of a [Chassidic] Rebbe, I feel obligated to attend shiurim whether they fit into my schedule or not. Maybe I am wrong and should feel no obligations to him other than rising when he walks into the room and speaking with him in the third person? Maybe I am wrong for not going to every shiur. I think a lot about the parameters of my obligations in many different relationships. But it is axiomatic that there ARE obligations.       

What I wonder is - do others ALSO think about their obligations in various relationships? Or do people just "go with the flow". My intuition is that most people do not think about these things much and when they do it is more about what others are obligated to me than about what I owe them...

Remember sweetest friends! Life is first and foremost OBLIGATIONS. To quote JFK [before he became an airport]: "Ask not what your country can do for you rather ask what you can do for your country".