I Can't Stay Long - Mazel Tov!

I have written about this extensively in the past but it was on mind this week.

Simchas. Or Smachot. However you prefer saying it. The hallmark of a true, hartzige yid [Jew with heart] is that somebody elses simcha is as his own. What does it matter if my friend had a baby or I had a baby? A new neshama in the world!! I should rejoice just the same. If I FEEL my friend then I can truly partake in his simcha as I should.

The custom in these parts is that many people come to simchas just to be "yotzei" [תרתי משמע - to fulfill their obligation and to leave]. Two families spend MONTHS planning a wedding and a FORTUNE of money. They want everything to be just right, the food, the music, the service etc. etc. Then people come in for 2 minutes, wish a quick mazel tov and leave. Are they experiencing this person's simcha. I know one thing for sure - when I make a simcha and I am really bi-simcha I have these involuntary radars which can sense who is with me in my simcha and who is not. These radars are very strong and I believe accurate. If the simcha is called for 4pm and a friend of 20 years walks in at 8:30 as the last people are leaving then it just says to me "I came because I had to and I know I won't have to stay long because I came at the end. Mazel tov:-)."

My question is  - where is everybody rushing to? What is everybody up to that is so important? Am I missing out? I was taught that if one is mesameach chosson vi-kallah he eats the fruits in this world and gets rewarded in the next? Hashem Himself, were are taught, was mesameach Adam and Chava in Gan Eden. Big mitzva. Huge. What is greater than a mitzva? Is everyone rushing to the Beis Medrash? I wish everyone was such a masmid but I know very-very-very-few learning-every-available-second-masmidim.

I was recently at a simcha and I saw person after person and 5 minutes later they were gone. Their friend was marrying off his daughter/son. What an unbelievable simcha!! I have a 17 year old who is not far from being in the parsha. I already CANNOT CONTAIN my simcha. I love this girl more than anyone else on the planet [outside of her mother but her mother requests that she not be mentioned on the blog...] and the thought of her being happy and starting a life and family with someone else is overwhelmingly joyous. May Hashem give me the life to see it [and if He could help me pay for it that'd be great too]. But I have this vision of my "friends" coming in for one minute "Mazel Tov, Reb Elchonon". One circle on the dance floor and then they rush out. And many other friends who "couldn't make it" [I had this experience at the previous simchas I made]. "Couldn't make it" means "not important enough to me". Nobody ever misses their own daughter's wedding and being able to come or not is a function of how important an event is.

Some might say that I am being hyper-sensitive but the truth is that in order to truly enjoy a simcha it has to be shared with others. Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz quotes from the sefer kuntres hasfeikos in his preface who says that if someone would see a vision of angels he wouldn't enjoy it if he couldn't share it with his friends. Or the old story about the Reform Rabbi who loved golf and even on Yom Kippur snuck our before prayers to get in 18 rounds. The angels were furious but he nevertheless shot a hole in one. Hashem explained "Whom is he going to tell....?" To be so happy about an event in your life and not to have others partake in your joy is disheartening. Despite my joy and thanks to Hashem at all the simchas I was zoche to have, I still couldn't get rid of that gnawing feeling I had when I noticed how few friends bothered to show up and how many people had to rush out because they had "other obligations". What made it even more "joyous" was when I thought of the efforts I had made to partake of their simchas. Isn't that what friendship is? My simcha is yours and vice-versa. Unfortunately, not always.

In any event, I was not planning for this to be such a long post. I thought that I'd make the point briefly and press "publish" but I feel that this quality of really being there for other people is lacking. When there is a tragedy people are generally GREAT. They make food, come to the shiva, sit there, talk, feel the loss and commiserate. Maybe even shed a tear or three. מי כעמך ישראל. Hurricane Sandy? People were tzaddikim. However, it is much more of a challenge to be happy for others and make them feel that you are with them in their times of joy. [It is even more of a challenge just to care on a regular day. Everybody has areas of life where they are aching and can use emotional support and care. It is wonderful to host families who lost their homes in the storm but even more wonderful to host the funny dressing meshulach who barely speaks English. Why do people shoo these meshulachim out of their house but are so welcoming to others?? I have a theory but not for now....]

A talmid of the great Rosh Yeshiva of Slabodka Rav Isaac Sher, once remarked that the Rosh Yeshiva taught him a life-transforming lesson. "There are other people in Hakadosh Baruch Hu's world besides me". Huge lesson:-).

I watch people and try to find those people who have internalized this to the fullest degree. That means that other peoples lives and successes and failures are no less important to them than their own. It means that if I have no debt but my neighbor has huge debts that keep growing, I can't sleep at night cracking my brain trying to think of ways to help him. It means that if I am married but my friend who really wants to be is not, I constantly daven for this person and try to set him/ her up if possible. Such people are rare. Very rare. How often have I heard singles complain that their married friend's forget them after they get married. Why is a woman's husband the only thing that matters in life?? She can - and should - be devoted to her husband, while not forgetting her friends, for shabbos meals, to set them up or just to be there for them.

I would say that if I am wrong please tell me but everything I wrote is a Ramban on the pasuk [you guessed it] ואהבת לרעך כמוך.....

PS - This writer makes no claims on being any better than anyone else in these areas and on the contrary - he is the only person whom he is sure is going to read this blog so the words are primarily directed at him.

PPS - Everybody is invited to my daughter's wedding בשעה טובה ומוצלחת when that special day comes. She is not engaged yet but when the very Light of Creation decides it is time we pray that everything go smoothly. For her and everybody reading this:-). בלי עין הרע לכולנו.