Doing Personal Renovations

Some time back I read a review of an autobiography written by a well known contemporary rabbi. What struck me is that the reviewer noted that none of his failures are recorded in the book, only his many impressive successes. I have not been able to get this out of mind because I see it as a common malady that crosses all ideological and social borders. ALL OVER I observe people who don't admit to failure. They try to give off the impression that everything is just fine. A woman once confided in me that in 30 years of marriage her husband has never admitted being wrong. [Is it ironic that this gentleman is a follower of this rabbi. Rav Kook says that one should be aware of his rebbi's faults because those are the ones that one is most likely to follow].

Many people try to project an image of themselves to society that is really not them. Sometimes they are so successful that they actually start believing it themselves. It is remarkable. I know people for years and whenever I speak to them everything is perfect. Not perfect in the sense that everything Hashem does is for the best but that everything that they do is for the best. I ask myself - do they realize where they are really holding and are just embarrassed to admit it or are they blind?

You ask me - I am riddled with failings. I make mistakes with my kids, in my marriage, and in life in general. Now the truth is that many of my failures in life were not my fault because I was completely dependent upon others, so I am not sure that they could be defined as failures. That being said, Hashem has showed me time and again that I am not in control. I would rather say it like this: Hashem has showed me time and again that I am nothing. I am not embarrassed to say it on the blog and broadcast it to the world. That is the stark existential reality of the mortal human existence in this world. If someone would sit with me and learn mussar, shtark, for a little while I can convince him that he too is nothing. It is soooooo self evident from all of our sources.

This brings us to the best and holiest state a person can be in: A state of Humility. AHHHHHHH - The middah of Moshe Rabbeinnu the greatest of all men.

Humility is a recognition of the truth of who we really are. Humility is also a prerequisite for happiness because a humble person is saved from constantly having to defend himself and prove to himself and to the world how right he is.

The truth is that each middah tova requires so much of us and we are light years away. The truth is that our tefilla is often a self indulgent exercise in telling Hashem what He must give us - if we are davening at all and I assert that most people [myself included] don't really daven and don't even understand what davening is. To do so once must learn maseches brachos really really well bi-iyun. Almost nobody does that. [For women they must learn from a rov who learned maseches brachos really well and who himself properly davens]. In Torah - talk in learning for 10 minutes with Rav Shlomo Fischer Shlita and anybody with a shred of honesty will admit that he is an ignoramous [in Yiddish it sounds better "ah grubbe am ha-aretz"]. Chesed - how much do we do compared with how much we can do? What are our motivations? Do we do chasodim we don't like doing? Do we really care about the people we are doing chesed for? I can organize a meeting with real baalei chesed and one will immediately realize how far one is from shleimus.

What is my point? To rip you?

Chas Vi-shalom! I love you:-).

So what is my point???

A mashal: I buy a new apartment in Manhattan. It costs me a cool 10 million. Small money for groise gvirim [excessively rich men] like me [you know - I sit and learn by myself all day and have no income but Hashem made me rich. I will keep dreaming:-)]. The apartment is mamesh beautiful. The view? Central Park. G-o-r-g-e-o-u-s! But it's an old apartment and not exactly my taste. So I decide to invest five more million, gut the whole place and renovate. It is a hassle, will take a long time, will cause me discomfort at times but it's worth it. At the end I will get an improved apartment which will be worth 25 million.

Your neshama is gevaldik. You are wonderful, filled with good middos and maasim tovim. There are so many laudable traits that you possess. There is nobody like you on earth and you are indispensable. But you need to renovate. You can take all the good you have and make it so much better. In order to do that one needs to engage in [to use a kabbalistic term] שבירת הכלים. To break yourself down a bit in order to build. Not with עצבות. If one is sad he loses everything. With simcha gdola. You are growing! How rewarding:-).

There is so much more to say but I must end here. I will let you complete the thought:-).