The Dimensions Of Gratitude

Continuing the thought from a recent post:

Gratitude is a universal value. In all cultures people value gratitude, in Torah a fortiori [kal va-chomer]. A story that made me think...

Rav Shalom Shwadron [the famous Maggid of Yerushalayim] was once in England where he fell and hurt himself. He wondered why this happened. Those who were with him explained that he was an elderly man, and elderly people fall all the time. He wasn't satisfied with that explanation so he went to see the famed "Tzaddik of Manchester" Rav Yehuda Segal ztz"l. After discussing it with him he concluded that it was because someone who had once helped him had recently made a wedding in the U.S. and despite the man's invitation, Rav Shalom didn't attend. This was Hashem's way of telling Rav Shalom that he had made a mistake and out of gratitude he should have attended. So he made a reservation and flew to the U.S. for the last sheva brachos and was zocheh to be misameach choson vi-kallah and to show gratitude to his benefactor.

I have a close friend who is a Rebbi in a Yeshiva in Israel. He has flown to dozens and dozens of talmidim's weddings over the years. To fly is not easy. It is tiring, it means leaving one's family, there are expenses [even if the flight is paid for], it disrupts one's daily routine of learning and davening etc. etc. But he selflessly has been doing this for years. What I don't fully understand is this: When HE makes a wedding for one of his children, barely any of these students come. [By the way, for anyone wondering, I am not this anonymous Rebbi, because I am not "selfless" and I have yet to make a wedding. Although I did tell my 2 year old Chana Leiba on Shabbos when she cried for challah, "Don't worry, one day you will be a 'challah'". She did NOT appreciate my humor...]

Why, I ask, wouldn't the talmidim want to join in their Rebbi's simcha? The way I see it is that there should be a certain sense of obligation. He came out for me in my time of joy, I should similarly be there with him, despite the expense and disruption of life etc. etc. Not only that, just the fact that he gave me the greatest gift imaginable - ruchniyus - should create this never ending sense of gratitude that should be shown in any way possible.

Of course the answer is that people don't think this way. They think [I assume] "I paid for him to come to my wedding, it was a great kavod for him. Mazel tov to him on the occasion of his child's wedding." Or more likely they don't think about it at all. It is just not done that people fly in for the weddings of Rabbeim's children. But if he did it for the talmid, shouldn't the gesture be reciprocated? When a friend gets married in Miami, all the guys in New York get on the plane and fly to Miami. When a friend gets married in Chicago, New York to Chicago and back is the popular route. One owes a Rebbi more than a friend - no??  Should one NOT repay the Rebbi in the same way that he was beneficiary of his kindness? Hmmmmmm. Even if you disagree, does it at least make you think?? It makes me think.

On the topic. I once spoke to the administrative head of a certain yeshiva who told me that he estimates that about 85-90 percent of all graduates give NOTHING to their alma matter. Where is the gratitude, I wonder. The answer I can suggest is that people feel that they paid tuition and owe nothing more. Does tuition cover the life in this world and the next that the yeshiva facilitated? Not in my book. [This is not an appeal. Just making a point:-)].

Some people say that they would love to help but just can't. I don't know what is in anyone's bank account but Hashem does, so a person must be honest about that.

That brings us to the very delicate issue of people who are hesitant to give because they feel they don't have enough even when they do. Maybe for another post....

In any event, this should trigger thoughts about gratitude, its magnitude, its expressions and where one can improve. Remember, Yehudi means "thanker" and the first words out a Yehudi's mouth every day are מודה אני.