Rabbi Frand
The
Torah says that Yehudah had a relationship with Tamar, thinking that
she was a zonah:
"So he turned to her to the road, and said, 'Prepare please, let
me come to you', for he did not know that she was his
daughter-in-law. And she said, 'What will you give me if you
come to me?'" [Bereshis 38:16] She was in fact, playing
the role of the zonah
and asked Yehudah what he would pay her for her services.
Yehudah promised to send her a young goat from his flock.
But
Tamar told him that she wanted a deposit to back up his promise:
She specifically asked for his signet, his wrap, and the staff that
was in his hand. Yehudah gave them to her, had relations with
her, and she conceived by him.
Later,
Yehudah sends a young goat with his friend, Chirah the Adullamite, to
deliver to the zonah
as promised and to retrieve the personal items, which he deposited
with her. Lo and behold, Chirah cannot find her. He
inquires of the people and is told that there was no zonah
in town.
Of
course none of us would ever be caught in such a situation. But
let us imagine that one would have found himself in such an
indelicate situation as Yehudah was facing. Isn't this
something a person would take care of by himself, rather than going
to a trusted friend and asking him to find the zonah
he hired, pay her off, and retrieve his pledge? A person does
not ask for such a favor even from a trusted friend! How did
Yehudah do this?
The
answer is that the Torah is revealing something that is so true.
The Torah says "Yehudah sent the young goat through his friend
the Adullamite…" [Bereshis 38:20] This person was
ray-ay-hu
– his friend. The definition of a friend is someone who you
can tell, "I had an illicit relationship with a zonah,
I have to pay her off. Do me a favor and take the money to
her." This is the definition of a friend.
The
Rambam, in his Mishna Commentary to Tractate Avos, on the Mishna that
advises, "Acquire a friend," writes as follows: A person
should have a friend that he can fully trust and not hide anything
from. He should not have to guard himself in the friend’s
presence in either speech or action. He should be able to tell
the friend all his personal matters – the good and the unseemly –
without fearing that he will think less of him or tell others about
them.
This
is the definition of friendship – "You are so close to me and
I trust you so much that I can even open up to you and tell you the
worst things about myself without feeling self-conscious and without
fearing that I will lose you as my friend."
-----
The
fifth bracha
of the Sheva
Brochos,
recited at a meal during the week of a wedding begins: Sameach
te'Samach Re'yim ha'Ahuvim, ke'Samechacha Yetzircha be'Gan Eden
mi'Kedem
[Gladden the beloved companions as You gladdened Your creature in the
Garden of Eden from aforetime.] Have you ever wondered why it
is we refer to the Groom and the Bride as "Re'yim
ha'Ahuvim"
[beloved companions]? The bracha
is directed at the Chosson
and Kallah.
We pray that their relationship should be the type of relationship
that is "Re'yim
ha'Ahuvim".
(The Choson
and Kallah
should not try this during Sheva
Brochos.
First, they need to build the relationship. However…) If a person
builds a relationship with his wife and he has a successful marriage,
he should be able to come home some day and tell his wife "I did
the stupidest thing… I did something so stupid, so bad, and so ugly
today…" And his wife will accept him because she knows
that this "stupid act" is only part of a much bigger
picture. This is a good friend. This is a ray-ay-hu.
Such
was Yehudah's friend, Chirah -- ray-ay-hu
ha'Adulami.
Yehudah was literally one of the premier sons of Yakov Avinu, if not
the
premier son. He has a relationship with a zonah
and he tells Chirah "take the money to her". How does
he do that? It is because he was a good friend and with a good
friend one can
do that. If a person is lucky in life, his spouse may be
that friend. If he is even luckier, maybe he also has somebody else
who can fill that role. This is what the Mishna says in Avos:
Acquire for yourself a friend. Try to get a friend who will
stick with you through thick and thin. Whatever may occur, he will
stand by you. We hope that every Chassan-Kallah
will
merit having the mutual relationship of Ray'yim
Ahuvim.
