Sunday, December 27, 2015

The Struggles Of Adolescence

R' Yoni Lavie 


Last night I left you with a bad feeling from out talk. I am not even sure that we can call what happened between us a discussion or not. I felt much more like I was taking part in a duel – two warriors who were involved in shouting at each other and causing harm, without trying to arrive at any new place. I assume that you, like me, went to bed unhappy and frustrated, with it being clear that we cannot continue like this anymore...

Today is a new day, and I am sitting in my room trying to write to you. My thoughts are racing through my head, and with the help of this page I am trying to organize it all, and to analyze for myself what I feel on the inside.

Abba, you said to me yesterday that you do not know me anymore. That something bad has come over me, and you can no longer see in me the child that you knew all those years. What can I tell you, other than that you are right? That sometimes I look in the mirror and even I don't recognize the person I see there?

It is not only the two of you, Abba and Imma, who don't know how to react to this phenomenon that is called adolescence, I also sometimes get an upset stomach from what I am going through. I am confused and upset, and sometimes I feel swept away like a little leaf blown around in the wind. Sometimes I get the urge to run quickly in one direction, and the next day I might be pulled in the opposite way. There are things that I feel that I must try, even though while I am doing them I know that they are not good for me and that the next day I will regret what I have done. Sometimes I feel that this is stronger than me, this urge to try and to feel by myself, to learn things the hard way all the time. Can you understand this? I admit, there are things that I do simply because others are doing them too, and there are things I do differently, so that I will be different from the others. What can we do, that is the way I am now.

What do I want from you, is that what you ask? In this raging maelstrom, it would help me very much to know that you will remain calm and stable. If you could be some sort of anchor for me to grab hold of in this mess that has swallowed me. Even if I will not accept everything you say, the very fact that you state your opinions in a way that is stable, clear, and well explained can help me organize things and set me on a straight path. Even if I sometimes cross the borders that you set for me, I don't ignore them completely. I always try to keep my eye on the limits, even if I have moved a few steps beyond them.

Please do not be upset by my text responses to you – my exaggerated use of such words as "stam," "klum," or "sababa," among other things. Don't lose your cool from my constant repetition of the sentence, "Enough, Imma, stop digging for dirt!" This is the language I use, even if you aren't in the mood to "like" it in facebook all the time. If this will cause you to stop asking about me and showing an interest, I will be very upset.

I want you to know that now and then I go along with some things in your speeches and scolding. But do you know what has the greatest effect on me? It is what you share the essence of your lives with me. If you go on and on about values and ideals but our Shabbat table has the feel of a neighborhood gossip club, and matters related to money, politics, and fights between neighbors are what we get throughout the meal, I get a very strong message ... Abba, when you go to a daily Talmud lesson, bone weary after a day of hard work, it impresses me and moves me in the right direction, even if you fall asleep on the bench, much more than a thousand discussions about the importance of studying Torah.

And, by the way, when you are with me do me a favor and put your cellphones on silent. Instead of giving me a five minute introduction about how much you love me and that I am the most precious thing you have, can you maybe demonstrate that this is true? And no, don't peek at the screen to see who is calling in the middle of our talk. This gives me a really bad message about how unimportant our talk is to you.

If I have started on this subject, I will take the opportunity to ask you about one more very small but very important item. Don't make disparaging remarks to me when there are other people around. It will be much easier for me to take your comments seriously if you speak to me quietly, when we are alone. Abba, if you scold me or even make a small comment in front of my friends, you can rest assured that not one word of what you say will get through to me, no matter how right and justified what you say is.

If at times you make a mistake (yes, this can even happen to you), don't feel that it is beneath you to apologize. If you made a mistake about me and hurt me without justification, an honest apology will cause me to appreciate you much more than before. And it will also teach me to do the same when it is called for.

Also, don't be afraid to tell me about your mistakes. I will not have less respect for you because of them. Just the opposite – I will appreciate your honesty. I will also appreciate hearing how you corrected your mistakes and how this led to improvement on your part.

I will also be very happy if you let me into your world now and then. Ask my opinion about things that happened to you, ask for my advice (even if you don't really intend to listen). This will give me a feeling that you see me as an adult and that my opinion can be important to you.

And here is the last thing: Do me a favor – make sure that the internet in our home is protected. I am embarrassed to ask you for this directly, so that you will not begin to investigate and ask me questions, but you should be smart enough to understand this on your own. When the line is open, it puts me in a terrible situation! And I haven't yet said anything about the new smartphone that you bought me, which stays with me wherever I go. All the money you are investing in the prestigious yeshiva high school where I study is liable to go down the drain because of a momentary downfall. 

Only you, with your credit card, can install a filtering and protecting application. This will not make the struggle go away, but it will at least channel things in a more reasonable direction...

In the end, Abba and Imma, after all the fights and anger between us, I know that you love me, and I want you to know that I love you too. Watch out for yourselves and stay healthy, just for me. I need you very much. I don't have any other parents than the two of you.

All the best,

Your son.