"Doc, I just want to be happy.” It’s what my patients tell me all the time, usually at our first appointment. We spend some time on that, because happiness is complicated. We feel like it’s an end point to strive for, but aiming for it generally leaves people tired, frustrated, and…not happy.
Instead, I encourage people to focus on feeling fulfilled. Unlike happiness, which is fleeting and difficult to attain, fulfillment is a state of being that is all about accepting who you are, being grateful for what you have, and remaining optimistic about the future. Side benefit: You may find happiness as you seek fulfillment. And fulfillment is actually easier to achieve—especially when you let go of the following myths about happiness.
Happiness Myth: Big Wins = Huge Joys
Who doesn’t want to earn the promotion and the raise, or to always have the time of their life? There’s a name for that. It’s known as hedonic happiness, and it’s the kind of happiness that focuses on experiencing pleasure. Hedonic happiness feels so great that it can become addictive. But like any high, it wears off, and chasing those experiences again and again can leave you feeling empty. That’s what was happening with a guy I’ll call Eric, an engineer in his late 40s whom I met at a party a few months ago. He graduated from an Ivy League school, lived in an expensive house, and was married with two sons. “Last year, I thought, I’m living my dream life, so now what?” he told me. He was looking for the next big win.
When it comes to living a fulfilled life, winning bigger isn’t always winning better. Small wins—the things that no one really sees but that make you feel good—can help you find more gratitude for what you have today and help you become excited about what’s next.
To figure out what yours might be, ask: What would I be doing if I didn’t have to compete, move ahead, or get other people’s attention? It could be anything from spending more time with your kids to taking care of yourself by going for a run at the end of a long day. For Eric, having quality time with his boys helped him feel grounded, and he eventually realized that being a good dad made him just as happy as being a successful engineer. So he shifted his goals to wins that supported that, which meant setting boundaries around work by reserving weekends for family time. When you’re as intentional about winning small as you are about winning big, you can bring yourself closer to fulfillment.
Happiness Myth: Your Past Is Your Future
I see lots of patients who are experiencing depression, anxiety, or PTSD because of something someone said or did to them years—or even decades—ago. Grudges and regrets can get in the way of feeling fulfilled. How to know if you’re carrying them: If you think about your past and feel your heart racing, or if you get annoyed when reflecting on a missed opportunity, you’re probably living with regret. If you avoid the person at your office who got a promotion instead of you, that’s a grudge.
With either, the way to get out of your own way is through forgiveness. That doesn’t have to involve telling someone you forgive them. It involves being able to think about something from your past that would normally make you feel sad, irritated, or angry and, instead of reacting emotionally, finding value in the experience. Having regrets about a marriage, for instance, might give you a chance to practice identifying toxic relationships early on. Holding a grudge because someone took credit you deserved could help you see yourself as a resilient person. Forgiveness can also include learning not to blame yourself for what happened to you. This allows you to appreciate who you are today—important for living a fulfilled life.
When we were all staying six feet apart and celebrating holidays on Zoom, it made sense that many of us felt lonely. But almost 60 percent of men are still dealing with that feeling. Chronic loneliness can be hard on you—it can lead to depression and an increased risk of dying early.
In the past, I’ve encouraged people who are feeling lonely to reach out to others. Indeed, if you’ve spent several weeks isolating, feeling down about yourself, or struggling to connect when you want to, then get in touch with people (or a mental-health provider).
But I’ve also come to see that loneliness isn’t always that terrible. We learn a lot about ourselves from it. Being lonely every once in a while is an inevitable part of life, and understanding how to feel comfortable being alone can bring fulfillment. For instance, take advantage of the time away from people to try a new hobby, focus on what you’re grateful for, or plan the next chapter of your life. It can be key to understanding what fulfills you.
Happiness is an emotion, and by nature, emotions come and go. But fulfillment is a state of being that you can achieve regardless of how happy you are (or aren’t). With a little time and practice, you can find your way to a more fulfilled life.
