WILMINGTON, DE — After finding out how much money former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson made from his highly publicized Netflix exhibition fight, failed presidential candidate Kamala Harris announced plans to pay back her $20 million campaign debt by agreeing to fight Jake Paul early next year.
With her campaign severely in the red following her lopsided loss to Donald Trump this month, Harris had been searching for quick and easy ways to pay down the remaining debt, making a prize fight against Paul an appealing option.
"It's time for me to wipe that smug smile off Jake Paul's face and make a truckload of cash," Harris said in a statement announcing the fight. "If Mike Tyson can do it at the age of 58, I can do it at 60, am I right? HAHAHA! Besides, age is just a number. Campaign debt is a number. Numbers tell a story. But not with words. With numbers. And the story they tell is time. And the story of time is us. And that's why I'm going to fight Jake Paul in 2025 to get my campaign out of astronomical debt. The money will flow in like illegal aliens through our totally open borders. You better get ready, Jake! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
A Harris-Walz insider revealed the campaign was hoping the proceeds from a match with Paul would yield enough revenue to make up for the exorbitant fees paid to celebrities like Oprah and Beyonce to appear and endorse what ended up being Harris's losing effort. "This could solve all of our problems," the source said. "Even if she loses — which, let's be honest, that's all she ever does — she'll come away with a cool $20 million. We'll all be looking forward to the loss this time around."
At publishing time, Harris's efforts to get her campaign out of debt had hit obstacles after Harris offered to pay John Legend and Julia Roberts $10 million each to help promote her fight with Paul.
