SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Costco announced this week that it would be rolling out new "Mormon Family Size" items for even larger families of a particular religious persuasion.
The move came in response to demand in the area of enormous families that needed larger quantities than Costco's traditional portions to feed entire squadrons of children.
"We've noticed our usual product sizes don't meet the needs of families of ten or more kids," Costco spokesperson Natalie Carson told reporters at a press conference in Salt Lake City this week. "We believe this new sizing option will greatly benefit Members of the Church Of J---s C---t Of Latter-day Saints, or MOTCOJCOLDS, as they prefer to be called."
The new size options will include a 9-foot-tall box of Cheez-It crackers, milk that comes in 50-gallon drums instead of gallon jugs, eggs that come in a gross rather than dozen, and bananas sold by the tree instead of by the bunch.
"I love this idea!" Mormon mom Tiffany Thueson said. "Now I only have to buy 10 grosses of eggs instead of 150 dozen every week. It makes shopping so much simpler."
Costco announced the product offerings will appear on shelves just in time for the holiday season, which for Mormons begins on Joseph Smith's birthday on December 23.
At publishing time, Costco had also rolled out "Catholic Size" options for families of 15 kids or more or one childless gay couple, whichever Pope Francis decided to promote this week.
Agudath Yisrael Of America lauded the move. "This is a great boon to the typical Haredi family", said Rabbi Moshe Piryonovitch. "I think of a Jewish grandmother buying presents for her countless children and grandchildren. So convenient! Barukh Hashem".
