WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats are sounding the alarm over Trump's stated plan to shutter the Department of Education, saying such a move would put millions of kids in danger of becoming too smart to vote Democrat.
"Without government, kids no learn good," Congressional Representative Alexandria Ocassio-Cortez warned. "You want no learn good? FREE PALESTINE."
"For decades, our Department of Education has been doing the important work of ensuring kids stay economically, civically, and socially handicapped so that they'll be reliable Democrat voters," said Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona as he packed his office belongings into a cardboard box. "Now it appears our noble mission to keep children illiterate is being threatened. This could be catastrophic for the Democratic Party.
"He must be stopped," continued Cardona as tears began to well up in his eyes.
Education experts concur that empowering states to run their own schools could result in unapproved, non-Communist ideas being taught to susceptible young minds. "The impact on our loyal future electorate could be devastating," said Union boss Randi Weingarten. "Children might learn terrible Republican things, like math. Voters knowing math would be an existential threat to the Democratic party."
At publishing time, Democrats had also warned that abolishing the Fed could lead to citizens being too financially free to depend on the Government.
