Being Judgemental

Dedicated to a dear friend who feels attacked by his surrounding community due to their unfair judging of him.

One of the major interpersonal issues we face today is that of JUDGING OTHERS. Most [all?] people have opinions about others and it can be very hurtful knowing that others are watching and establishing opinions about you.

This is especially prevalent in the shidduch world. Level of religiosity, intellect, looks etc. everything is free game for all to express an opinion. Although I find the whole thing quite demeaning, I have no solution [no, I don't reccommend that we abolish the shidduch system. It is imperfect but we live in an imperfect world]. For if nobody says anything then how are people supposed to know who might be a possible match ["shayich" in the lingo].

My suggestion to those judging - even if you have an opinion about someone [it's only natural] just remember that it's not final and absolute. There are many aspects to a person that you might not be aware of and that the person himself might not be aware of [I don't think it is permitted to end a sentence with "of" but I'll do it anyway and see what happens:-)]. Generally, peoples judgements of others are quite superficial. They are based on externals such a dress and deportment. I knew a woman who seemed very pious and modest only to find out that she was a child abuser. Actually most people whom I knew personally who have committed grave crimes against the Torah [and li'havdil secular law] seemed like fine Jews. On the other hand, there are people who externally seemed like simple, ordinary people but who were in fact extraordinary tzadikim.

Those being judged should remember the following: How many people in the world REALLY know and understand you. I personally count a maximum of 2 people but probably closer to one and even that one doesn't COMPLETELY understand me. I don't reveal enough to make that possible. The only one who completely understands me is me. Come to think of it - I don't yet completely understand myself and I am on a lifelong journey exploring the depths of my G-d given soul [as should you be]. But even if I did completely understand myself I couldn't honestly judge myself because I am biased.

It emerges that NOBODY can judge you because nobody really understands you [save for a small number of people at most]. Also, whenever anyone judges they are not judging YOU as YOU but their perception of you which might well be more of a reflection on them then on you. "We don't judge people as they are, we judge people as we are". SO DISREGARD WHAT ANYBODY THINKS - THEY DON'T KNOW THE FULL STORY ANYWAY. PAY THEM NO HEED.

UNLESS!

Unless you think that their assessment of you can somehow help you grow [such as that of a Rebbe, therapist or good friend]. But most people don't know you so their opinion deserves no special attention.

And judgers - remember what the sfas emes writes in his commentary to pirkei avos: The way we judge others on earth is the way the heavenly court judges those people, so try to make your judgement favorable. An exception would be shiddchim where people must know the truth and even then we can try to see and emphasize the positive.