R' Yoni Lavie - Shabbat Bi-shabato Shoftim 5775
Shalom, I am religious, aged 27, and for the last four months I have been dating somebody. She is of good quality, and there is a lot about her that I really like. We link up very well, I have a lot of fun with her, and I can picture us as being together for a very long time. At the same time as I see her good traits I also see some faults, but I always tell myself that there is nobody in the world who is absolutely perfect.
However, there is still something that bothers me and does not allow us to progress further. I hope this will not seem petty, but she is not what I always imagined as my mate. Ever since I was young I had an image in my head of the girl I would want for my wife, and she is very different from my current girlfriend, both in some of her traits and in her appearance. And then, a week ago something happened that turned everything topsy-turvy and brought me to "heretical thoughts" about our whole relationship. We had met in her apartment, and a friend of hers came in to borrow something. It was no more than a minute or two, and I didn't talk to her much, but I was very impressed by her. She appeared happy, "with it," sociable, and even prettier than the girl I am seeing now. She was a perfect example of what I had always dreamed about. And suddenly, a thought popped into my head. Could it be that I was going out with the wrong girl? Maybe I should be seeing her friend? Since then I have been completely confused, and I feel that I should not continue our contact if it is not for real...
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Shalom to you,
You asked several questions, so let me add one more: Let's say a friend would come to you and tell you that he is seeing two girls at the same time – one on Sunday and Wednesday, and the other on Monday and Thursday, and that he would ask you what you think of the idea. What would you say to him?
I assume that most people would be disgusted by this idea, and rightly so. This is not only because of the way the friend was fooling the two girls (just imagine how you would feel if you suddenly found that your girlfriend was dating your best friend), but also because it probably won't go with either.
I am sorry to say that many single men are always going out with two girls at the same time! Not physically, but psychologically. They are really meeting only one girl, but in their hearts there is always somebody else – the "girl of their dreams." This is an ideal woman which they have developed through the years. They sit with a girl in a coffeehouse on a date while in their heads they fantasize about the other girl, while they mark an Excel table in their heads with plusses and minuses, checking how close the real girl in front of them is to the ideal. Unfortunately, in most cases the real girl is no match for the ideal, and the date is a failure.
How is this ideal model created? Well, this exemplary creation is built up manually through exacting labor, based on everything that a person has encountered throughout his life. It comes from his home with his parents, from visiting with friends, from movies and advertisements, from stories that he has heard, and from meetings with real girls. What is really amazing is that the more experience a boy has with dates, the more the ideal girl reaches higher and higher levels, leaving behind a trail of thick dust for any real girl who tries to live up to the ideal.
Is it possible to get away from this trap? The first step is to be aware of this behavior, which exists under the surface. The second step is to try to analyze how the ideal model was created, and what feeds its continued development. The third step is to determine the following: Is this model at all realistic? And does it really suit my needs?
What you wrote to me, my friend, is that you have developed a long and meaningful relationship with a girl. You are progressing, and things seem to be going well, while at the same time you are aware of her faults. You can now ask yourself the following questions: Do I appreciate her? Do I like her? Are we attracted to each other? Have we developed good contact with each other? Have we managed to cope with gaps or disagreements between us? Can we and do we want to continue building something together? Can you imagine her as your mate in the future and as the mother of your children? And now look at another point of view – How would you feel if she suddenly called you and said, "I have decided that this won't work, let's split up."
With respect to meeting her friend, I want you to think about two points:
(1) You noticed that she was happy and pretty. Do you have any idea what kind of person she is inside and if the two of you are at all compatible? Can it be that she is engaged? Or perhaps she is looking for a different kind of boy altogether? You only met her for two minutes. Is it possible that this is just a fleeting imagination on your part, a balloon full of air and nothing else?
(2) Here is a tough question: What will you do if the same thing happens to you after you are married? Your wife's friend may drop by for a visit, or you meet somebody at work and discover that she is prettier/smarter/funnier than your new wife. Will you fall into despair over the fact that you are married and "stuck" with the wrong girl?
I hope that by now you understand that the response to these questions must be a resounding no, but perhaps you do not know how to explain to yourself why this is so. Let's think a bit together. What would you expect of a mother of a one-year-old baby who gets the following offer: A man comes to her and says, "Look, your baby is cute, but he is quite average. I want to make you the offer of a lifetime – give the baby to me and in return you will get a baby who is much prettier and smarter." It goes without saying that the mother will adamantly refuse such an offer. Why? Well, sure, she knows that her baby isn't the prettiest and the smartest one in the world, but on the other hand he is the only one in the world that is hers! He cannot be replaced. The same principle holds for a match. If you manage to get to a wedding, the Holy One, Blessed be He, Himself will give you both the seal of approval for the companionship and the love you will have for each other. Nothing should ever be able to separate you again.
Meanwhile, while you are still in the process of searching, remember that you marry a person, somebody who has a whole personality – and not an image on a piece of paper. Try to dedicate yourself to what you can see in front of you and to decide what you really feel. No comparisons, no imagination.
Good luck, my friend!
