This brings us to a huuuuge principal of life.
Why are soooooo many people sooooo unhappy? The answer is - unmet expectations. The gap between our expectations of what SHOULD be and reality [as we perceive it] is the place in which unhappiness festers. [לשון אחר - "Rears its ugly head".]
If I WANT to be married and I am not, then I am unhappy. If I want to be rich and feel that I am not then I am unhappy. If I want a car and don't have one then I am unhappy etc. etc. etc.
The problem is that even AFTER we get what we want, we raise the bar and thus make ourselves perpetually unhappy.
Let me explain with an example: To get into Harvard is really hard. It is the dream of many a high school student. So you have a high school student who works his tail off to get accepted to Harvard [which is why no Harvard students have tails] and he overcomes the heavy odds against him [94.7 percent of applicants are NOT admitted] and is accepted. When he receives that acceptance email he is OVERJOYED but that quickly dissipates and now he starts feeling anxiety about how he will fare. OK - He gets there and doesn't spend all day in a state of euphoria because he is in Harvard. No no. [BTW - My shver (why doesn't spell check like that word?) went to Harvard, so I know what I am talking about. We actually never spoke about this....:-). We have actually not been on speaking terms for almost 13 years. This Erev Rosh Hashana is his 13th yahrtzeit]. He is working VERY HARD and feeling TREMENDOUSLY stressed out. In fact, a very high percentage of Harvard students suffer from depression. I recall a survey that revealed that 45 percent of those students asked if they were involved in a serious relationship with a member of the opposite gender DIDN'T EVEN KNOW [!!]. That is what stress does....
"In 2004, a Harvard Crimson poll found that as many as 4 in 5 Harvard students suffer from depression at least once during the school year, and nearly half of all students suffer from depression so debilitating they can’t function." [Shawn Achor - The Happiness Advantage]
A good number consider suicide! But why? You are such a bright kid. You have your whole life in front of you in the most free, most wealthy country in WORLD HISTORY.!!! You are in just about the top university ON THE PLANET!!
The answer is as follows: The freedom of America, he takes for granted. He has never known any other type of existence. The material wealth he enjoys, he takes for granted. He has never gone to bed hungry and doesn't think about it. He WAS excited to get accepted to Harvard but that was short lived. He immediately RAISED THE BAR and decided that he would only be happy if he EXCELS at Harvard. In high school he was in the top one percent of his class and was the quarterback on the football team. But in Harvard 99 PERCENT of the student body is NOT in the top one percent and he is also just playing intramural sports. Now what??? DEPRESSION.
Another example: A kid LOVES to play basketball and dreams of making it into the NBA. He practices ENDLESS hours earning him the title "gym rat" [I wouldn't want to be named after such a שרץ but who asked me]. He spends GRUELING hours in the weight room. He goes to the best basketball camps [for the record - I once went to one. I thank my parents for paying for my mishegass]. He plays Division One ball and MAKES IT!! He is drafted in the FIRST ROUND by the Detroit Pistons. He is in SEVENTH HEAVEN. He signs a rookie contract - 8 years 54 million dollars. And then there are all of the advertising opportunities. Plus, he doesn't even have to buy sneakers because Nike gives him a NEW PAIR for each game. AHHHHHH!!!:-)
Is he happy?? Yes, for a VERRRRY SHORT TIME. Watch the players on the court. Do they look happy? Almost never. Only sometimes if they are creaming the other team. Does the coach look happy? Almost never. Why NOT??? Even if you lose the game, you are STILL paid MILLIONS OF DOLLARS to play [or coach] a silly game. Otherwise - you'd be earning minimum wage pumping gas. Why aren't you happy?? What happened to your original state of elation?
Answer: He raised the bar. After he reached his goal of reaching the NBA, he made new goals and told himself [subconsciously] that he will not be happy until he reaches those goals. Sometimes those goals are impossible. He is unhappy every time he misses a shot or loses a game but who makes every shot or wins every game. So he is SETTING HIMSELF UP for misery. [And that explains much of the substance abuse problems. It is a feeble attempt at being happy despite their misery].
In a sense, we ALL do this. We were eager to get married and got married. How long did the euphoria last? Very short lived. Now you want children. So until a child comes you are not happy. OK - the child is born. EUPHORIA. 2 months later?? Over. Now there are new goals: Getting a good night sleep, having a content baby, keeping your shalom bayis intact despite the baby etc. etc. And then after some time there is the new desire for another baby. This one is not enough. [I have six and wish I had lots more and certainly am not happy like I was when my children were born]. Whenever one goal is reached the bar of happiness is raised as we establish new goals.
Same thing with our careers. We have a goal to get a certain job and are happy when we get it. But of course that is short lived and then we are stressed out about succeeding at our job. We also get accustomed to whatever salary we are making and create goals to earn yet more money. Then when we get to that sum - more.
We really want a house and the day we sign we are ELATED. That dies fast when we reveal that the house isn't the answer to all of our life problems, has defects and we also have a 25 year mortgage to pay.
The examples are LEGION. I can't write fast enough and am eager to end this post so I can give a shiur to the MILLIONS worldwide WHO CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT until they properly understand the sugyos of קים ליה בדרבה מיניה.
So let us conclude with the למעשה. Set goals. By all means. Constantly advance forward. BUT NEVER FORGET TO ENJOY EVERYTHING YOU HAVE AT THE PRESENT MOMENT.
In the words of our Brilliant Sages: איזהו עשיר - Who is rich not only in the financial sense but also in the emotional and spiritual senses??? השמח בחלקו. One who is happy with what he has. Lungs. A pancreas. A working heart. Blood coursing through his veins. A mind that can distinguish between a door and a hot dog [which we take for granted]. A memory that allows us to speak, eat, walk and function in this world etc. etc. etc. And if you have a job - constantly remind yourself that you are fortunate to have a job. Forget the stress for a few minutes. YOU ARE EMPLOYED!!! It might not be the perfect job but you are being paid. You have FOOD TO EAT!!! If you are married - think of how fortunate you are. She [or he] isn't perfect? FAAAAR FROM IT. But hey, either are you and being married is USUALLY better than being single. Are you single?? BARUCH HASHEM!! This is your job in life at this time. To be happy even though you are single and maybe want a spouse. And if you think that if you just would be married you would be happy forever automatically [like I recall naively thinking before I got married] - think again. It ain't so.
The secret to happiness ISN'T in getting what you want but in being happy with what you have and at the same time striving for more [in certain areas]. Be שלם with what you have and strive for yet higher levels of שלימות.
