A Blog About The Blog

Every so often I take stock of the blog and this time I think aloud...

One should never do something today because he did it yesterday. Just because I blogged yesterday doesn't mean that today it is the right thing to do. Doing things by rote has never been considered a virtue by our Sages.

Obviously the purpose of the blog is to spread Torah, Light, Emunah and everything good. I WISH that I could also accomplish those goals in a Yeshiva setting but in the meantime Hashem has decreed otherwise. Two years ago I opened a Kollel but after a year it closed because in order to keep a Kollel functioning one needs a constant flow of cash and to my great dismay the money I raised ran out quite quickly and very little more was forthcoming. Nu, disappointments build character:).

Then I tried to start a Yeshiva after being encouraged by many people to do so. I invested a great deal of time and energy in the planning but had to close before I opened primarily because I raised only enough money to buy a nice set of Shas, leaving me hopelessly short of the very significant sum I needed to open. ONE of the lessons I learned was not to get too excited when people encourage but make sure that people are willing to pledge enough to make the project a success. Had I ASKED the people I thought would give in advance whether they would be behind the project then I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. Nu, disappointments build character. The positive that emerged was that I saw how competitive yeshivas are with each other and frankly, I don't want to "compete". You compete with the "opposition" but here we are all working for the same Boss. I learned that people don't see it that way and I didn't find schools and Rabbeim who said to me "Oh my, a new makom Torah with new exciting ideas. Of course I will send you some boys..." Instead, it was "New place? Sorry."

In our history numerous yeshivas started when other Yeshivos willingly sent them boys who would constitute the nucleus of the yeshiva and they built from there. I wasn't zocheh to find such tzadikim who wanted me to help me in such ways. But like I said, it saved me from the terrors of running from state to state, city to city and school to school, begging boys to come to my yeshiva [and Rabbeim to send them] and not to others. ברוך שפטרני מעונשו של זה. It was a bracha that it didn't work out and I thank Hashem often.

The situation now is that yeshivas are saturated with Rabbeim and it is virtually impossible to find a position that would both allow me to spread Torah and support my family at the same time. So I learn with boys on skype and have the Edenic pleasure of being able to sit and learn Torah as much as my heart desires. In the meantime we are bi-simcha and patiently wait for Hashem to show me that opening that will allow me to serve Him and spread his glorious Torah. As the Chabadniks say יפוצו מעיינותיך חוצה - the goal is that all of our internal wellsprings should spread forth. I am busy writing a sefer because before I die I would like to write 100 sefarim. I also would like not to die.

Here the blog comes into play. The blog consumes my most valuable asset. Time. The time I spend blogging could be spent learning. It actually HURTS thinking about that. In addition, the medium of the internet is extremely problematic for a ben torah. I need not elaborate.....

Sometimes I want to take my internet router and fling it over porch, down into the valley beneath my apartment 1000 feet below. Not literally but you catch my drift.

I blog because I want to make a difference and help people change and grow. Yet, the more I live and observe, the more I see how rare it is to actually see people make lasting significant changes in their middos and behavior. Today we also know that physiologically it is EXTREMELY difficult to alter the synapses in our brain that determine our actions and feelings [we have expanded upon this elsewhere]. Somtimes I feel that my calls fall on to deaf computers....

So, in the meantime I continue in the hope that even ONE person UNDERSTANDS what I say and then IMPLEMENTS the ideas into his or her life. And in the spirit of R' Yisrael Salanter, even if that person is me, it will have been worth my while. I thank those who read because it is a tremendous zchus to share Torah and you afford me that. People have told me that my words made a difference in their lives and that makes all the difference.

If I feel that Hashem wants me to stop and completely devote myself to learning, then I will happily go in that direction and make a dent on my ignorance. Not because I am so frum or anything but because I have still found no greater pleasure in this world than learning. I often observe people who don't and am filled with sympathy.

Just thinking out loud. The lesson for is that you are also allowed to reassess whether to contune projects you started:).

Love to all.