Insights Into The Dynamics Of Hachnosos Orchim

Somebody invites you to their house for Shabbos. You don't really want to go and start hemming and hawing. "I have plans" you mumble, meaning I plan NOT to spend Shabbos at your house. The person insists and you try to wiggle out of it. Finally the inviter, disappointingly relents and you are off the hook.

What are the dynamics of this exchange [I have been on both sides many times:)]? On the surface, the inviter wants to do a chesed and have you at his house, feed you and give you a good time. The invitee is ostensibly going to be the recipient of this chesed that his friend is so eager to bestow. So why is there so much resistance? We all love ourselves so why shouldn't we embrace the opportunity to indulge ourselves.

Here is the secret: The person who is inviting is really ASKING for a chesed. He wants to host you. There could be a thousand reasons WHY he wants to host you but whatever they are it doesn't change the basic fact - he is asking you to do HIM a favor. NOW EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE! Of course people are resistant! People are almost always resistant to doing people favors that will inconvenience them. [When I fundraise I almost never meet a person from whom I don't sense some level of resistance. They are being asked to release their hard earned money. It doesn't matter how much they have but it is always hard to let go. I know a few exceptions to this rule but I only need the fingers on one of the hands typing this to count them. I would love to publicize their names but they probably don't want me to. Hashem knows though, and that's all that really counts. This to me is the paradigm of people being resistant to chesed which they consider difficult, burdensome or otherwise unwanted. I must confess that I am no different and often feel the same resistance to people asking me for favors or money. Nu, that's what avodas hamiddos is all about]. The tables are turned. The person inviting is asking the person invited to do him a chessed and please come to his house. The invited doesn't really need this chessed because he will not go hungry whether he comes or not.

Here is another point. When you are at someone elses home it is a type of incarceration. You can't really come and go as you wish. They have a bathroom but how comfortable are you in the bathroom at someone elses house? The food might not be what you enjoy. Every home has different rules and behaviors and when you are someone elses home you don't know what they are. For example, in some homes it is considered acceptable to leave the table in the middle of the meal while at others it is not. In some homes you can freely go into the kitchen and help serve while at others homes the hosts prefer that you remain seated. I have a cousin who gets very offended when people walk into her kitchen. It's HER KITCHEN.

I am not saying that the dynamics I described are always true but they often are. Some people LOVE being invited and always answer in the affirmative when invited. Some hosts don't really care for themselves if the person comes and are only inviting in order to take care of the needs of the recipient of the invitation. However, I believe quite often the dynamics are as I described. This explains to me the volume of refused invitations that I have proffered over the last 19 years [since I got married], the fact that I am often offended [not "pounded over the head" offended but quite subtly] by the refusal [I am essentially asking the person to give me the pleasure and honor of their company and am being rebuffed. Sort of like asking a girl out and being rejected], why the people refuse [not because our food isn't tasty or plentiful but because it just isn't comfortable to be a semi-prisoner in someone else's home], why I often turn down the invitation of others [ditto previous brackets], and why when I invite someone and they turn me down and then invite me back I will become doubly offended and [politely] decline [I asked him for a favor and he rejected me and now he is asking me back for a favor? NEVER!:)].

One more issue is that when someone hosts you and toils to make you comfortable and satiated, you feel indebted. NOBODY likes to feel indebted. Saying yes is in a sense saying "I need you". People would much rather feel that other people need them than feel that they need other people.
Saying 'no' is a way of asserting "Look, I can manage with out you". Hence, the refusal. When a person hears someone say "I don't need you" what he is really hearing is "You are not needed".

That hurts profoundly.

As always I am curious as to what others think and thank those who share. The dynamics of interpersonal relationships are a central part of our Avodas Hashem and that is what I attempted to explore in this brief essay.