When you do teshuva out of love of Hashem - תשובה מאהבה, you have to FORGIVE YOURSELF for all of your sins just as you have to appease your friend when you offended him. It is like you are asking yourself for mechila - and willingly granting it. Your self-perception that you are pure and free of sin, will activate the Divine judgment to follow suit and transform all of your sins into mitzvos, as is the rule when you do תשובה מאהבה.
כשאדם שב בתשובה מאהבה צריך הוא לסלוח לעצמו את כל עונותיו כמו שצריך לפייס את חברו על עבירות שבין אדם לחברו כדי להשיג סליחתו, ואחר שבעיני עצמו יהיה יהיה מכופר ונקי מחטא, יתעורר עליו הקודש של חלק גבוה שיתהפכו כל עונותיו לזכיות.
קובץ א תרע"א
A person who feels the pain of his sins and the sins of the world, must forgive himself and the world. Through this, he draws forgiveness and the light of chesed on the entire cosmos and gladdens Hashem and his creations.
האדם הכואב תמיד על עונותיו ועונות העולם, צריך הוא תמיד למחול ולסלוח לעצמו ולעולם כולו ובזה הוא ממשיך סליחה ואור חסד על הויה כולה ומשמח את המקום ומשמח את הבריות ובתחילה צריך למחול לעצמו ואח"כ הוא ממשיך מחילה כללית על הכל וכל הקרוב הקרוב קודם וכו'.
קובץ ב פסקא קנ
Why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves for our infractions [some of which are not really our fault such as feeling guilty for not being as big a tzadik as other people who were given different circumstances in life and can't be compared to us]?
One answer [besides that Jews by nature are a nation of "guilt feelers"] is that we were raised in critical environments where our shortcomings were often accentuated and forgiveness for mistakes was often not forthcoming.
So if you have children, stress to them how good they are and when they mess up and feel badly about it, assure them that you love them no less and that they are forgiven. You can do the same to your spouse and hopefully as you become accustomed to forgiving others, you will come to a place where you can forgive yourself.
I saw this from a book called "Living Peace":
“Isn’t it funny how we make rational excuses for being out of alignment?
We say, “Well, this ____ and that ____ happened, so it makes perfect sense for me to be feeling like this ____ and wanting to do this ____.”
Yet, to this day, I have never met a happy person who adheres to those excuses. In fact, each time I – or anyone else – decide to give in to “rational excuses” that justify feeling bad – it’s interesting that only further suffering is the result.
There is never a good enough reason for us to be out of alignment with peace. Sure, we can go there and make choices that dim our lights… and that is fine; there certainly is purpose for it and the contrast gives us lessons to learn… yet if we’re aware of what we are doing and we’re ready to let go of the suffering – then why go there at all? It’s like beating a dead horse. Been there, done that… so why do we keep repeating it?
Pain is going to happen; it’s inevitable in this human experience, yet it is often so brief. When we make those excuses, what happens is: we pick up that pain and begin to carry it with us into the next day… and the next day… into next week… maybe next month… and some of us even carry it for years or to our graves!
Forgive, let it go! It is NOT worth it! It is NEVER worth it. There is never a good enough reason for us to pick up that pain and carry it with us. There is never a good enough reason for us to be out of alignment with peace. Unforgiveness hurts you; it hurts others, so why even go there? Why even promote pain? Why say painful things to yourself or others? Why think pain? Just let it go!
Whenever I look back on painful things or feel pain today, I know it is my EGO that drives me to “go there.” The EGO likes to have the last word, it likes to feel superior, it likes to make others feel less than in hopes that it will make itself (me) feel better about my insecurities. Maybe if I hurt them enough, they will feel the pain I felt over what they did to me. It’s only fair! It’s never my fault; it’s always someone else’s. There is a twisted sense of pleasure I get from feeling this way, and my EGO eats it right up. YET! With awareness that continues to grow and expand each day, I choose to not feed my pain (EGO) or even go there. I still feel it at times, of course, so I simply acknowledge it and then release it.
I HAVE power and choice over my speech and actions. I do not need to ever “go there” again. It’s my choice; it’s your choice. So it’s about time we start realizing this. We are not victims of our impulses or emotions; we have the power to control them, and so it’s time to stop acting like we don’t. It’s time to relinquish the excuses.”
Let go of pain, anger, resentment and all the other emotional pollution you have in your system - including the rotten feelings you often have about yourself!
