Happy and sad.
Happy because I am THRILLED to be alive. I am infinitely blessed.
Sad because I am so far from where I want to be spiritually. 46 years and soooo empty of Torah and true Yiras Shomayim, Ahavas Hashem and Ahavas Yisrael.
But yet happy again because realizing how far I am, gives me the impetus to improve and as long as there is life there is hope - even for a someone like me.
And happy yet more because these years have taught me some of the most important lessons I can learn. I will share two.
1] I have learned a ton about human nature. For example, the pasuk - אל תבטחו בנדיבים בבן אדם שאין לו תשועהrings so true. Don't trust in people. Even נדיבים. People who seem to be generous. Maybe they really are generous but all generous people are selective. Let us take a philanthropist. Maybe he has his name on buildings but what about all of the people he turned away without giving them a nickel? Or maybe by just giving them a nickel. We don't hear about those people. So he is generous and kind but selectively. I am not saying that to be critical. It is impossible to give a million dollars to whomever asks. People could have very good intentions, but still - one cannot trust them because how does this particular poor man know he can trust this wealthy man? He clearly can't. That is what the pasuk may be teaching.
Or maybe you need a favor. How many people do you feel comfortable asking? I know that when people ask me for a favor they first apologize profusely. And I to others. Why? Because we all have an innate sense that people don't want to be bothered. And when we do a favor for others it is often out of a sense of discomfort or guilt but not because we really want to do it for them.
People - all people - have their agendas. I haven't met an exception [or maybe I have and didn't realize it]. Here and there maybe people can be counted upon but ultimately - אל תבטחו - don't be so sure of them. You never know. They have other desires that aren't in line with yours, they cannot be experiencing your particular need as their own and thus can't be counted upon.
Who can one count on? Who will be there ONE MILLION PERCENT for you whenever you need it? Who will always do what is the absolute best thing for you? Who knows your pain?
Only Hashem. As the pasuk in that very perek says אשרי שא-ל יעקב בעזרו שברו על ה' אלקיו. Fortunate is the one who the G-d of Yaakov is helping him, his hopes are upon G-d. שברו means hope. It also means broken. All of ones "brokenness" should be placed upon Hashem alone. People may or may not be there for you and all too often will disappoint.
That has been my life experience repeated thousands of time and I hope your experiences have been more positive. I of course have also encountered a lot of kindness from people but not to the point where I believe that people are totally trustworthy.
But Hashem - He is ALWAYS there and ALWAYS has time. He NEVER ignores your calls.
2] Another thing my 46 years have taught me is ... ME. Who am I? I went through the "system" and dropped out quite early. In retrospect, I understand part of the reason why. People who were supposed to shape me such as many teachers didn't first understand ME. I was just taught and related to like everyone else. That was a mistake and I rebelled against it. If I am the same as everyone else then why on earth am I here? Others can do the exact same thing. And maybe I don't fit into the mold you are trying to shape me in to?
As the years progressed I found myself. And something transformative happened - I became HAPPY. Really happy and fulfilled. Because how can "I" serve Hashem if I am not connected to my "I"? But once I discover the "I", I can use all that encompasses [and still learning about - the human soul is infinite] in order to serve Hashem and my fellow man.
There is a lot more to reflect upon but I will leave it at that.
I will conclude with a bracha [on one's birthday one has special bracha powers as per the Yerushalmi] that we should all find ourselves and thereby find Hashem, with simcha and prosperity. I thank all of my readers for allowing me to share Torah and chochma [with an occasional slice of humor].
BI-AHAVA RABBA,
Me 
