To my mind, one of the greatest tragedies of this whole Corona disaster has been the number of kids who have gone off the derech [not to make light of the 1.2 million corpses and over 46 million sick people]. The Yeshivos and Beis Yaakov's have been closed and more than the average number of kids have been seeking to leave their homes and communities [according to media reports].
Why? The answer is always the same. Everyone has their own story but the common denominator is that they think that life outside the community being secular will be better for them than it was when they were in the community and religious. Nobody in their right mind would leave a life where they felt happy and fulfilled. Human nature is to desire and seek out what makes us happy and feeling good and avoid what makes us feel unhappy and unpleasant. So they leave in order to find happiness.
The reality is that after these kids leave they find out that they just exchanged one set of misery for another. The suicide rates among what they call in Israel דתל"ש which is short for דתי לשעבר and in Chu"l is called OTD is quite high. These kids never really find the happiness they are searching for. There are multiple reasons for this. One is that studies show that living a fulfilled religious life makes one happy. It gives one a sense of purpose and meaning and human beings CRAVE purpose and meaning. It affords one a solid community, strong family ties with large, usually stable, loving families, discipline, enjoyable holidays and frequent family celebrations, intellectual stimulation [learning Torah is QUITE stimulating], a belief that one will live forever [certainly a happier thought than the notion that we are all here by accident and once we go into the grave we are gone forever ח"ו] and many other benefits that nourish the body, psyche and soul. I once heard from a complete atheist who is at the top of his field in social psychology that human beings need religion. Why? He of course has no explanation but we know that it is b/c of the soul that we all have that yearns for Hashem.
So these kids leave and now FINALLY they can have ביאה with whoever will agree to have it with them, be מוציא זרע לבטלה w/o feeling guilty, watch movies, go to bars, read any book or newspaper they want, become a basketball or soccer fan, buy a dog and two cats to keep them company, not have to worry about their annoying parents, dress however they feel like dressing, smoke weed, etc. etc. etc. FREEDOM!!!
A MECHAYE!!!
But you know what? It is really not such a "mechaye". If it were then they wouldn't be so miserable. It turns out that having parents who love you is a GREAT thing. NOBODY in the world will ever care about you like they do. Having siblings is also very rewarding. Being part of something bigger than your little tyvos and whims - like 5,000 of a glorious heritage - makes for a much much happier life. Paradoxically, OVERCOMING urges is a recipe for happiness and success in life. Controlling one's desires is a GREAT feeling. Restrictions are GOOD FOR YOU. That is why we have them.
To be a religious personality is to live for others. That is fulfilling! To be a secular person is to think primarily about oneself. That DOESN'T mean that all irreligious people are completely selfish. It just means that if someone is religious he has Hashem telling him to live for others. He doesn't have a choice and that is AWESOME! To be secular is to do whatever you feel like. That could be helping others but it could also be following one's innate animal soul and thinking about oneself. As the brilliant mathematician, philosopher, scientist and agnostic David Berlinski wrote: “What Hitler did not believe and what Stalin did not believe and what Mao did not believe and what the SS did not believe and what the Gestapo did not believe and what the NKVD did not believe and what the commissars, functionaries, swaggering executioners, Nazi doctors, Communist Party theoreticians, intellectuals, Brown Shirts, Black Shirts, gauleiters, and a thousand party hacks did not believe was that G-d was watching what they were doing. And as far as we can tell, very few of those carrying out the horrors of the twentieth century worried overmuch that G-d was watching what they were doing either. That is, after all, the meaning of a secular society.”
It is a sad life when you leave Hashem.
So the kid goes off and an organization helps him [or her] make the transition to the outside world. They supply him with mental health professionals to help him deal with the trauma of the past and present. But a psychologist is no substitute for a parent and they have ruptured their relationship with their parents. They are often PLAGUED with guilt. Feeling guilty for all of the pain they have caused their whole family - parents, grandparents, siblings, teachers, friends etc. etc. Guilty that they are now doing aveiros. It turns out that it is not such a thrill to eat without making a bracha or texting on Shabbos.
Then they often go to the army. That is not a fun time by any stretch of the imagination. They are often not serving for any ideological reason but b/c that is what you do in order to integrate into the secular society. So they are losing out on true meaning and as I wrote - human beings crave meaning. So they are screamed at by their superiors, go on very little sleep, are pushed to their physical limits and beyond and don't have the warm loving home to return to like their irreligious friends b/c they no longer have a home.
This is not criticism. These kids often suffered through various traumas and didn't fit into the system so I will let Hashem JUDGE them. I am just describing the reality that when they leave with the hope that life will be better for themselves, they are in for a huge shock. It is often much much worse. Keeping mitzvos isn't so bad after all....
Then they have to make up all of the math, English, science etc. that they didn't learn when they were religious in order to eventually go to university. No easy task. Then they have to get through university, again, with no emotional [or financial] support from their families.
Finally, maybe when they are in their thirties they get married but can never quite feel an internal sense of wholeness. Instead of having a large happy family then will have one-three kids and a few pets and will often get divorced. Not what they hoped for. And they know it. They won't have the joy of the Pesach seder or Purim chagiga or a Yiddishe chasuna. There is a LOT that they will never have again. What do they have instead? A smartphone? Netflix? The human soul is too high and too holy to be satisfied with such superficiality. They might become leftist activists, fighting religion. If you will notice - leftist activists who spend their lives fighting religion are NOT happy people. They are ANGRY. They might write a book, trashing religious people, religion, their families and communities. But that doesn't make people happy.
It is sad. Actually, it is tragic. That is why there is so much depression and suicide among dropouts.
So the solution then is not to drop out but to get psychological help and find ways to stay connected to what their souls need. If they have emunah questions then they can find the right people to help them navigate their questions. If they don't fit into their Yeshivos or Beis Yaacovs they can search for alternatives. These organizations that help them become secular would be doing them a HUUUUGE favor if they helped them remain religious within their comfort zones.
The statistic I saw is now [in the Charedi world - in the religious Zionist world it is much higher] is that 14 percent of the kids go OTD. That means almost one child per family. The amount of pain this causes not only to the child but to his family is indescribable.
I hope that we are all able to bring all types of people close to Hashem and particularly in our families. If you have difficult children, remember, you are not alone. It is the mageifa of our generation.
