I was asked how we build a true and strong experience of love in a child. It's obvious that we love the child very much and will do everything for him, but he doesn't always feel that way. It's not so obvious. Even among siblings who grow up together in the same house, it's not always natural and clear. We find this in the Torah portion in the relationship between Yaacov and Esav. At the beginning of the parsha, the word "brother" is mentioned in various inflections many times, and it is no coincidence that the Torah repeats, "Esav my brother." The expectation from siblings is for a deep connection that expresses brotherhood: brother-family-blood ties that cannot be severed. What characterizes this relationship is the "dependence," the natural involvement that cannot be changed. This is a constant, and it is the foundation upon which the connection, which is supposed to give a sense of peace and security, is built. It all stays in the family.
And yet, we find children and students who suffer emotionally from a lack of love. Disagreements and arguments sometimes arise between siblings, leading to jealousy and animosity. Therefore, there is an essential need to clarify the foundations upon which a world of love is built.
"Unconditional love" is the first principle that influences all relationships between parents and children, between siblings, between partners, and between friends. Unfortunately, we often love the child on the condition that he meets our expectations. We will appreciate and agree to love them on the condition that they bring us satisfaction and are a source of pride because they are proof of our success. The texture of the relationship between a parent and child is so delicate and sensitive and cannot be faked. A child has a complex and vulnerable inner world that is greatly influenced by the relationship between him and his parents. Only they can provide him with a stable sense of self. A child who is loved with pure love for who he is will grow up loving himself first and foremost. He will live in peace and joy with himself.
The family is where we begin to build a loving world, and therefore the relationship between siblings is important. Modern psychology guides parents that siblings don't have to love each other; they need to learn to cooperate. It's true that you can't force them to love each other, but you can nurture and encourage positive and loving relationships. This is where children learn to love each other even if they are different, to compromise even when they really want something, to cooperate when necessary, to share and be considerate, to develop sensitivity and make room for each other, and to live in peace even if they sometimes argue and disagree.
Since the relationship between siblings is complex, parents need to skillfully guide them toward a positive and loving bond. First of all, that no one child is preferred over his siblings, everyone receives equal love. Everyone should be allowed their own private space and time, to create a safe territory for everyone, because when a child doesn't feel safe in his own space, he will find it difficult to give of himself to his siblings. Parents should manage their relationships with their children from a position of self-confidence, without being intimidated, and treat each child with attention according to their needs. This is a message that builds the child's personality, like telling them, "There's no one else like you. You have your unique talents and thoughts, and I'm happy you're my son." When parents express their love sincerely and truly, children will learn about themselves and what makes them special, learn to respect and recognize their differences, and parents will encourage acceptance of each other instead of creating an atmosphere of competition.
When a family becomes a source of love, sensitivity, and consideration, it equips the child with skills that they will also bring to their future married life, as we mentioned in the previous article about the connection between a man and a woman – a couple that refines their character receives the Divine Presence, the Light. A couple that remains with their flawed character is consumed by fire, a fire of anger and hatred. Love is the ability to focus on the other and detach from the ego, to listen to what the other is, what is special about them, what a rich inner world they have, unconditionally. And this is what the young man who grew up in a loving family will bring with him...
Planting love in a child's heart therefore begins with the loving connection between the parents. Children are also filled with love through the loving connection that exists between their father and mother. When children witness hostility and anger, the basic trust that is supposed to be built within the family is damaged. How can a child believe in love when an entire building seems to be collapsing before their eyes, creating a weak cycle that could affect the future of their family?
Therefore, our national mission in Jewish society is to add love – each person within their own "four amos," each person is a "small light," each person within the limited world they inhabit can spread love and increase love among the people of Israel.
