Thursday night [ie tonight] at 9:15 at 1481 East Terrace Circle Apt. 5 [the teaneck apartments]. Hosted by Reb Shmuel Simcha Kollander. Ignore the storm.
It's all the yetzer hara's job to get people to stay home:-)!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
A Blessing
A huge thank you to everybody who came to the shiur. May Hashem bestow limitless blessings upon all of you!! A special thank you to the organizer C.A.F.!
Davening Late
My friend took the not-so-subtle hint and kindly translated this post. THANK YOU AND MAY HASHEM FULFILL YOUR EVERY HEARTS DESIRE LI'TOVA!
The custom among chassidim was to daven later. The holy author of the Bnei Yissachar [Rabbi Tzvi Elimelech Spira, zt"l (1783-1841),] endorsed this practice of not being strict about zman tefilla, explaining that the reason for this is that, regrettably, we are very מגושמים, and when one arises from slumber he is still completely מגושם ; his mind isn't there yet, and who knows how his sleep affected him.
A Jew should rise and say modeh ani and cry to Hashem in bircas hatorah and immediately take a Gemara and start to learn, and learn for several hours before tefilla; at least a page or two of Gemara and Tosfos. He delves into toras emes, and separates himself a bit from physicality and purifies his thoughts, and after this, he can stand and daven to Hashem. His tefilla is of a different character than that of one who wakes up in the morning and heads to davening straight from his bed, because it's not possible to daven like that. Even if he runs to the mikvah and tovels, if he spends his time on nonsense and foolish words, then it is not, as he imagines, that he is cleansing himself; rather, he is making himself tamei there.
One who wants to daven as a Jew needs to learn Gemara and Tosfos first, before davening; and one who does so will surely be blessed. Regarding one who wants to daven early, with sunrise - he should awaken in the middle of the night, and learn Gemara and Tosfos for a few hours, and then he can daven at sunrise.[לא כל הרוצה ליטול את השם יבוא ויטולAnd not anyone who wishes ליטול את השם can just come and do so,] because to daven just by muttering words, while his head is elsewhere, is no mitzva.
See the gemara that says that one who is unable to concentrate should not daven, and such a tefilla is like a korban about which it is said, "זבח רשעים תועבה" the korban of a rasha is an abomination.
The custom among chassidim was to daven later. The holy author of the Bnei Yissachar [Rabbi Tzvi Elimelech Spira, zt"l (1783-1841),] endorsed this practice of not being strict about zman tefilla, explaining that the reason for this is that, regrettably, we are very מגושמים, and when one arises from slumber he is still completely מגושם ; his mind isn't there yet, and who knows how his sleep affected him.
A Jew should rise and say modeh ani and cry to Hashem in bircas hatorah and immediately take a Gemara and start to learn, and learn for several hours before tefilla; at least a page or two of Gemara and Tosfos. He delves into toras emes, and separates himself a bit from physicality and purifies his thoughts, and after this, he can stand and daven to Hashem. His tefilla is of a different character than that of one who wakes up in the morning and heads to davening straight from his bed, because it's not possible to daven like that. Even if he runs to the mikvah and tovels, if he spends his time on nonsense and foolish words, then it is not, as he imagines, that he is cleansing himself; rather, he is making himself tamei there.
One who wants to daven as a Jew needs to learn Gemara and Tosfos first, before davening; and one who does so will surely be blessed. Regarding one who wants to daven early, with sunrise - he should awaken in the middle of the night, and learn Gemara and Tosfos for a few hours, and then he can daven at sunrise.[לא כל הרוצה ליטול את השם יבוא ויטולAnd not anyone who wishes ליטול את השם can just come and do so,] because to daven just by muttering words, while his head is elsewhere, is no mitzva.
See the gemara that says that one who is unable to concentrate should not daven, and such a tefilla is like a korban about which it is said, "זבח רשעים תועבה" the korban of a rasha is an abomination.
Four Destroyers
Dr. John Gottman is a "gadol" in marriage counseling. He is also one of us. Jews are soooo talented!! He has what we will call [see end of post] the "Four Destroyers" which are guaranteed to ruin every marriage. Here is it dedicated to all of my friends, past present and future chassanim and kallos.
1. Criticism:
Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making
someone right and someone wrong:
Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why
are you so …”
2. Contempt:
Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically
abuse him/her:
- Insults and name-calling: “loser, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…”
- Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
- Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip
3. Defensiveness:
Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack:
- Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in
a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
- Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of
your own, ignoring what your partner said
- Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did
this because you did that…”
- Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
- Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
- Whining “It’s not fair.”
4. Stonewalling:
Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they
are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation,
disconnection, and/or smugness:
- Stony silence
- Monosyllabic mutterings
- Changing the subject
- Removing yourself physically
- Silent Treatment
Remedies:
- Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z)
- Conscious communication: Speaking the unarguable truth & listening generously
- Validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they
are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes)
- Shift to appreciation (5 times as much positive feeling & interaction as negative)
- Claim responsibility: “What can I learn from this?” & “What can I do about it?”
- Re-write your inner script (replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent
victimization with thoughts of appreciation, responsibility that are soothing & validating)
- Practice getting undefended (allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they really
are: just thoughts and puffs of air) and let go of the stories that you are making up
© Bob & Marlene Neufeld and Mary Ann Carmichael, 2005
This list is GADLUS!
based on Gottman, John. 1994. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
It has been brought to my attention [thank you D.R.! Don't ask me what D.R. is a DR. of...] that the term "Four Horsemen" that Gottman uses [and appeared in my original post] is from the New Testament. We were very happy with the Old one and found no reason to update it. G-d didn't change His mind and reject us. Part of my feeling of stability in life comes from knowing that those who love me will not eternally reject me. Hence I changed it to the "Four Destroyers". In Yiddish "Der Fear Mashchisim". Why did I add that? Am I spending too much time with chasidim? Certainly not in New York I'm not. The only chasidim I am coming into contact with here are chasidim of the Jets and Knicks.
1. Criticism:
Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making
someone right and someone wrong:
Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why
are you so …”
2. Contempt:
Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically
abuse him/her:
- Insults and name-calling: “loser, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…”
- Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
- Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip
3. Defensiveness:
Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack:
- Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in
a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
- Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of
your own, ignoring what your partner said
- Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did
this because you did that…”
- Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
- Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
- Whining “It’s not fair.”
4. Stonewalling:
Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they
are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation,
disconnection, and/or smugness:
- Stony silence
- Monosyllabic mutterings
- Changing the subject
- Removing yourself physically
- Silent Treatment
Remedies:
- Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z)
- Conscious communication: Speaking the unarguable truth & listening generously
- Validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they
are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes)
- Shift to appreciation (5 times as much positive feeling & interaction as negative)
- Claim responsibility: “What can I learn from this?” & “What can I do about it?”
- Re-write your inner script (replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent
victimization with thoughts of appreciation, responsibility that are soothing & validating)
- Practice getting undefended (allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they really
are: just thoughts and puffs of air) and let go of the stories that you are making up
© Bob & Marlene Neufeld and Mary Ann Carmichael, 2005
This list is GADLUS!
based on Gottman, John. 1994. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
It has been brought to my attention [thank you D.R.! Don't ask me what D.R. is a DR. of...] that the term "Four Horsemen" that Gottman uses [and appeared in my original post] is from the New Testament. We were very happy with the Old one and found no reason to update it. G-d didn't change His mind and reject us. Part of my feeling of stability in life comes from knowing that those who love me will not eternally reject me. Hence I changed it to the "Four Destroyers". In Yiddish "Der Fear Mashchisim". Why did I add that? Am I spending too much time with chasidim? Certainly not in New York I'm not. The only chasidim I am coming into contact with here are chasidim of the Jets and Knicks.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Shiur
Thanks to the organizational skills of one C.A.F. there will be a shiur tomorrow night [Wednesday] at 115 Central Park West 72nd Street Apt. 9b at 8pm for females.
The admission as always is a smile. If you don't have one then please see me before and we will try to work something out. Don't want to turn anyone away because they don't have the admission "fee".
Topic: Something About Hashem. It always goes back there.
For the men - it will happen where and when you want it to :-).
The admission as always is a smile. If you don't have one then please see me before and we will try to work something out. Don't want to turn anyone away because they don't have the admission "fee".
Topic: Something About Hashem. It always goes back there.
For the men - it will happen where and when you want it to :-).
UNREAL!
THIS IS NOT REAL - BUT ACTUALLY HAPPENED ACCORDING TO NEWS REPORTS!!
Julio Diaz has a daily routine. Every night, the 31-year-old social worker ends his hour-long subway commute to the Bronx one stop early, just so he can eat at his favorite diner.
But one night last month, as Diaz stepped off the No. 6 train and onto a nearly empty platform, his evening took an unexpected turn.
He was walking toward the stairs when a teenage boy approached and pulled out a knife.
"He wants my money, so I just gave him my wallet and told him, 'Here you go,'" Diaz says.
As the teen began to walk away, Diaz told him, "Hey, wait a minute. You forgot something. If you're going to be robbing people for the rest of the night, you might as well take my coat to keep you warm."
The would-be robber looked at his would-be victim, "like what's going on here?" Diaz says. "He asked me, 'Why are you doing this?'"
Diaz replied: "If you're willing to risk your freedom for a few dollars, then I guess you must really need the money. I mean, all I wanted to do was get dinner and if you really want to join me ... hey, you're more than welcome.
"You know, I just felt maybe he really needs help," Diaz says.
Diaz says he and the teen went into the diner and sat in a booth.
"The manager comes by, the dishwashers come by, the waiters come by to say hi," Diaz says.
"The kid was like, 'You know everybody here. Do you own this place?'"
"No, I just eat here a lot," Diaz says he told the teen. "He says, 'But you're even nice to the dishwasher.'"
Diaz replied, "Well, haven't you been taught you should be nice to everybody?"
"Yea, but I didn't think people actually behaved that way," the teen said.
Diaz asked him what he wanted out of life. "He just had almost a sad face," Diaz says.
The teen couldn't answer Diaz — or he didn't want to.
When the bill arrived, Diaz told the teen, "Look, I guess you're going to have to pay for this bill 'cause you have my money and I can't pay for this. So if you give me my wallet back, I'll gladly treat you."
The teen "didn't even think about it" and returned the wallet, Diaz says. "I gave him $20 ... I figure maybe it'll help him. I don't know."
Diaz says he asked for something in return — the teen's knife — "and he gave it to me."
Afterward, when Diaz told his mother what happened, she said, "You're the type of kid that if someone asked you for the time, you gave them your watch."
"I figure, you know, if you treat people right, you can only hope that they treat you right. It's as simple as it gets in this complicated world."
Julio Diaz has a daily routine. Every night, the 31-year-old social worker ends his hour-long subway commute to the Bronx one stop early, just so he can eat at his favorite diner.
But one night last month, as Diaz stepped off the No. 6 train and onto a nearly empty platform, his evening took an unexpected turn.
He was walking toward the stairs when a teenage boy approached and pulled out a knife.
"He wants my money, so I just gave him my wallet and told him, 'Here you go,'" Diaz says.
As the teen began to walk away, Diaz told him, "Hey, wait a minute. You forgot something. If you're going to be robbing people for the rest of the night, you might as well take my coat to keep you warm."
The would-be robber looked at his would-be victim, "like what's going on here?" Diaz says. "He asked me, 'Why are you doing this?'"
Diaz replied: "If you're willing to risk your freedom for a few dollars, then I guess you must really need the money. I mean, all I wanted to do was get dinner and if you really want to join me ... hey, you're more than welcome.
"You know, I just felt maybe he really needs help," Diaz says.
Diaz says he and the teen went into the diner and sat in a booth.
"The manager comes by, the dishwashers come by, the waiters come by to say hi," Diaz says.
"The kid was like, 'You know everybody here. Do you own this place?'"
"No, I just eat here a lot," Diaz says he told the teen. "He says, 'But you're even nice to the dishwasher.'"
Diaz replied, "Well, haven't you been taught you should be nice to everybody?"
"Yea, but I didn't think people actually behaved that way," the teen said.
Diaz asked him what he wanted out of life. "He just had almost a sad face," Diaz says.
The teen couldn't answer Diaz — or he didn't want to.
When the bill arrived, Diaz told the teen, "Look, I guess you're going to have to pay for this bill 'cause you have my money and I can't pay for this. So if you give me my wallet back, I'll gladly treat you."
The teen "didn't even think about it" and returned the wallet, Diaz says. "I gave him $20 ... I figure maybe it'll help him. I don't know."
Diaz says he asked for something in return — the teen's knife — "and he gave it to me."
Afterward, when Diaz told his mother what happened, she said, "You're the type of kid that if someone asked you for the time, you gave them your watch."
"I figure, you know, if you treat people right, you can only hope that they treat you right. It's as simple as it gets in this complicated world."
HELLLLOOOO SHRIIINK!!
Why is it that MANY MANY people find it necessary to make self-disparaging statements such as "I am a nobody..." "I don't know anything.." etc?
It is not humility. Truly humble people are much too busy doing constructive things and totally not self-absorbed which precludes them from constantly making such statements. The real reason [it seems to me but what do I know..:-)] is that from a very young age we are incessantly told that there is something wrong with us. We are not yet self aware so we don't realize what poison is being injected into our systems and by the time we realize it is too late.
HELLO SHRIIINK!
Observe how many times children are told "don't do that", "don't say that", don't touch that", "why did you do that?" ["Why" is not a question but a rhetorical criticism. Explanations given to "Why" are never accepted]. How many times a day do adults express displeasure with children?! It is limitless and leaves deep emotional scars WE MAY NEVER BECOME AWARE OF but leave us permanently convinced in our heart of hearts that we are "bad" "wrong" "inadequate" etc. etc. To walk around with such feelings is an emotional cancer [which I am CONVINCED causes the physical cancer and many other illnesses].
This also explains why people [particularly those of the female persuasion] constantly apologize for things they didn't do! I often try to convince people [ditto previous brackets] that they have nothing for which to apologize - but to no avail. It is a deep need which people feel somehow makes up for their [imagined] incurable inadequacies.
Any time a child is commanded, criticized or corrected another small wound is embedded on the child's soul. This then mushrooms into something much bigger.
Afterwards people get married and since they have been subject to such unwitting abuse they now heap it upon their spouse and children and perpetuate the cycle.
Should we not educate children and let them do whatever they want? OF COURSE NOT!!!!
CHAS VI'SHALOM THAT WE SHOULD RAISE UNTAMED ANIMALS. So what is the right way?
1] Ratio: For every negative comment TEN [at least] positive, encouraging, loving comments.
2] When voicing critisicm it should be done in a calm way with an effort to show the child he is understood but the rules must be abided by. That is the key - to UNDERSTAND AND IDENTIFY with the child!!
Sweetest friends - I write with a bleeding heart after knowing so many talented, gifted, wonderful neshamos who feel rotten about themselves despite their accomplishments because of the [again, unwitting and unintentional] constant criticism they were subject to as children.
There is a TIKKUN!! There is a theraputic approach called Imago which posits that we marry the person we do in order to make a tikkun for our childhood. When I get into counseling im Yirtzeh Hashem I hope to use it. It is HUGE.
One way to fix things is STOOOP CRITICIZING YOUR SPOUSE!! One month. Just a month. Nothing will happen that is so terrible. Trust me. JUST GIVE LOVE, AFFIRMATION, AND MORE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. HIS/HER SOUL IS STARVING FOR SOME. See what happens.
Would love some feedback [not telling me how wonderful the post was. I already believe that the post was wonderful. Something a little more substantial...]! And please pass on [unless you disagree with me and I am probably wrong because I usually am:-)]!!
LOVE AND BLESSINGS!!
It is not humility. Truly humble people are much too busy doing constructive things and totally not self-absorbed which precludes them from constantly making such statements. The real reason [it seems to me but what do I know..:-)] is that from a very young age we are incessantly told that there is something wrong with us. We are not yet self aware so we don't realize what poison is being injected into our systems and by the time we realize it is too late.
HELLO SHRIIINK!
Observe how many times children are told "don't do that", "don't say that", don't touch that", "why did you do that?" ["Why" is not a question but a rhetorical criticism. Explanations given to "Why" are never accepted]. How many times a day do adults express displeasure with children?! It is limitless and leaves deep emotional scars WE MAY NEVER BECOME AWARE OF but leave us permanently convinced in our heart of hearts that we are "bad" "wrong" "inadequate" etc. etc. To walk around with such feelings is an emotional cancer [which I am CONVINCED causes the physical cancer and many other illnesses].
This also explains why people [particularly those of the female persuasion] constantly apologize for things they didn't do! I often try to convince people [ditto previous brackets] that they have nothing for which to apologize - but to no avail. It is a deep need which people feel somehow makes up for their [imagined] incurable inadequacies.
Any time a child is commanded, criticized or corrected another small wound is embedded on the child's soul. This then mushrooms into something much bigger.
Afterwards people get married and since they have been subject to such unwitting abuse they now heap it upon their spouse and children and perpetuate the cycle.
Should we not educate children and let them do whatever they want? OF COURSE NOT!!!!
CHAS VI'SHALOM THAT WE SHOULD RAISE UNTAMED ANIMALS. So what is the right way?
1] Ratio: For every negative comment TEN [at least] positive, encouraging, loving comments.
2] When voicing critisicm it should be done in a calm way with an effort to show the child he is understood but the rules must be abided by. That is the key - to UNDERSTAND AND IDENTIFY with the child!!
Sweetest friends - I write with a bleeding heart after knowing so many talented, gifted, wonderful neshamos who feel rotten about themselves despite their accomplishments because of the [again, unwitting and unintentional] constant criticism they were subject to as children.
There is a TIKKUN!! There is a theraputic approach called Imago which posits that we marry the person we do in order to make a tikkun for our childhood. When I get into counseling im Yirtzeh Hashem I hope to use it. It is HUGE.
One way to fix things is STOOOP CRITICIZING YOUR SPOUSE!! One month. Just a month. Nothing will happen that is so terrible. Trust me. JUST GIVE LOVE, AFFIRMATION, AND MORE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. HIS/HER SOUL IS STARVING FOR SOME. See what happens.
Would love some feedback [not telling me how wonderful the post was. I already believe that the post was wonderful. Something a little more substantial...]! And please pass on [unless you disagree with me and I am probably wrong because I usually am:-)]!!
LOVE AND BLESSINGS!!
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