Four Destroyers

Dr. John Gottman is a "gadol" in marriage counseling. He is also one of us. Jews are soooo talented!! He has what we will call [see end of post] the "Four Destroyers" which are guaranteed to ruin every marriage. Here is it dedicated to all of my friends, past present and future chassanim and kallos.

1. Criticism:
Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making
someone right and someone wrong:

Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why
are you so …”

2. Contempt:

Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically
abuse him/her:

- Insults and name-calling: “loser, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…”
- Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
- Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip

3. Defensiveness:
Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack:
- Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in
a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
- Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of
your own, ignoring what your partner said
- Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did
this because you did that…”
- Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
- Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
- Whining “It’s not fair.”

4. Stonewalling:
Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they
are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation,
disconnection, and/or smugness:
- Stony silence
- Monosyllabic mutterings
- Changing the subject
- Removing yourself physically
- Silent Treatment

Remedies:
- Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z)

- Conscious communication: Speaking the unarguable truth & listening generously

- Validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they
are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes)

- Shift to appreciation (5 times as much positive feeling & interaction as negative)

- Claim responsibility: “What can I learn from this?” & “What can I do about it?”

- Re-write your inner script (replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent
victimization with thoughts of appreciation, responsibility that are soothing & validating)

- Practice getting undefended (allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they really
are: just thoughts and puffs of air) and let go of the stories that you are making up

© Bob & Marlene Neufeld and Mary Ann Carmichael, 2005


This list is GADLUS!
based on Gottman, John. 1994. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

It has been brought to my attention [thank you D.R.! Don't ask me what D.R. is a DR. of...] that the term "Four Horsemen" that Gottman uses [and appeared in my original post] is from the New Testament. We were very happy with the Old one and found no reason to update it. G-d didn't change His mind and reject us. Part of my feeling of stability in life comes from knowing that those who love me will not eternally reject me. Hence I changed it to the "Four Destroyers". In Yiddish "Der Fear Mashchisim". Why did I add that? Am I spending too much time with chasidim? Certainly not in New York I'm not. The only chasidim I am coming into contact with here are chasidim of the Jets and Knicks.