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The struggle with lust is a struggle with the deepest human emotions. And therefore, fixing these emotions fixes a person deeper than anything else. That's why the Zohar calls this Yesod. Hashem is not just telling us not to be dirty. Rather, he is telling us to build ourselves with the things we don’t do. The foundation of a building is underground and no one sees it, but it holds up the entire building. Shemiras Habris is the hidden part of a Jew, it's the real you. And if the foundation of a Jew is weak, his whole spiritual structure is fragile and in grave danger of collapse.
It is brought down from the Baal Shem Tov that if a person succeeds in subjugating this particular desire then he is automatically able to subjugate all other desires, as the Mekor Mayim Chaim writes (Baal Shem Tov, Lech Lecha), “For it is from the strength of this desire that man is created, and a person has 365 sinews--parallel to the 365 negative commandments, and by subjugating this he therefore nullifies [the desires for] all 365 negative commandments”. The B’nei Yissachar also writes (Derech Pikudecha): “We have a tradition from our fathers that the Yetzer Hara desires more than anything to attack the person through these sins, because included in this lust are all the others.” Perhaps this is why R’ Nachman also writes that these temptations are a man’s main test in life.
It says in the Korbonos: “Zeh Ha’isheh asher Takrivu LaHashem – This is the fire that you should sacrifice to Hashem.” Isheh means fire, but it also spells Ishah, which means “a woman.” The biggest sacrifice that a man needs to make in his life for Hashem is zeh Ha’isheh – this desire for women and the fire of lust.
By working on these areas, we ultimately learn to give over our entire heart to Hashem, as the Pasuk says “Bechol Levavcha – with all your heart.” And Chazal say “Bishnei Yitzrecha – with both your inclinations.”
And not only are we fixing ourselves deeply through this struggle, we are also fixing the world. Every generation has its tests, and this is likely the test of our generation. There has never been a time in history where promiscuity and licentiousness filled the world in every corner, to the degree that it does in our time. In the generation before Moshiach’s time, we are cleaning out the filth from the very bottom of the barrel. We are doing the final work before the great days that are to come.
Only great souls with immense potential were given this difficult job. So if Hashem gave us this struggle, it means he trusted us with a great mission. This alone should bring us joy and motivation to substantiate His trust. And of course, if we succeed, we will be in the front lines to greet Moshiach!
Principle 2: Fear of Heaven can’t always stop us, but it can PUSH us
Often we are aware of how serious these sins are, yet our “Fear of Heaven” alone isn’t always enough to stop us when faced with an attack of lust. It’s not that we don’t fear Hashem, but will power alone is often not sufficient when dealing with these extremely addictive behaviors. Not only that, but lust is so powerful that even the greatest Tzadikim who feared Hashem with all their hearts, sometimes felt powerless when faced head-on with lust. See what happened with Masya ben Charash and Rav Amram, Rabban Shel Chassidim. In both these cases, these great Tzadikim had to take extreme measures to ensure they didn’t stumble.
The Medrash Yalkut Shimoni (Vayechi) tells this story :
Once the Satan fixed his sight on Masya ben Charash who was a big Tzaddik, and said to himself: "Is it possible that this man does not sin?" Then the Satan went and asked G-d: "How do you view Rabbi Masya Ben Charash?" And G-d replied: "He is a perfect Tzaddik". The Satan said to G-d: "Give me permission to put him to the test". G-d told the Satan: "Go".
The Satan appeared to the Rabbi as a beautiful woman, the likes of which had never been in the world. When the Tzaddik saw her, he immediately turned his face away. Then the woman quickly moved to the side where Rabbi Masya had turned his face to, and again he quickly turned his face away. Then the Tzaddik said: "I am afraid that my Yetzer Hara will overpower me and cause me to sin". What did the Tzaddik do? He called a student that was with him and ordered him to bring him fire with nails. The student brought him nails and the Tzaddik put them into the fire and then to his eyes and became blind. When the Satan saw this, he trembled and fell on his back.
At that time The Holy One Blessed be He called the angel Raphael - for he is in charge of healing - and told him: "Go and heal Rabbi Masya Ben Charash". Then Raphael came in front of the Rabbi and the Rabbi asked him: "Who are you?" and he replied: "I am Raphael the angel, I came for G-d sent me to cure your eyes". Rabbi Masya replied: "Leave me alone, what is already done is done". Raphael returned before the Holy One Blessed be He and said: "Master of the World, thus spoke Masya". G-d said to Raphael: "Go back to him and tell him that I will personally guarantee that the Yetzer Hara will have no power over him". Immediately Raphael went and cured Masya. From here our Sages said: "All those who are careful not to look at women, the Yetzer Hara has no power over them".
The Gemara in Kidushin 81/a tells this story:
Some women who had been taken captive were redeemed and brought to Nehardai. They were kept in the attic of Rav Amram the Chasid and the ladder was removed. At night, a beam of light reflected off one of the women, revealing her beauty. Rav Amram was seized with lust and he moved the ladder (which normally needs 10 people to move it) to ascend. As he was halfway up, he screamed "There is a fire in Rav Amram's house!" and the Rabanan (Rabbis and students) flocked to his house. After they saw that there was no fire they said to him, "You embarrassed us (with your behavior)!" Answered Rav Amram: "It is better to suffer embarrassment in this world than in the next".
What we can learn from the two stories above is that, although Yiras Shamayim is not always enough on its own, it should push us to take EVERY step we can to break free of these pitfalls.
Principle 3: You are not alone
Almost everyone struggles with lust on some level, and a high percentage have stumbled in these areas as well. Rav Wolbe Zatza”l in his Sefer “Psychiatry and Religion” (Pg. 82) writes: “The difficult phase of adolescence is fertile soil for feelings of guilt, especially for religious youth. Masturbation is a serious prohibition. Yet almost all youth stumble with this and are unable to find the strength to overcome this in any way.” In the GYE community, you will find thousands of religious Jews like yourself, struggling in these areas. On our lively and vibrant forum at www.guardyoureyes.org/forum, people like yourself exchange questions and tons of Chizuk, post logs of their progress and share experience and hope. And you can also read the many stories on our website to see what others have gone through and how they have succeeded.
Principle 4: Determination is completely up to us
The Vilna Gaon says that what a person says they want, and even what they feel they want, has no relation to what they actually want. The Yetzer Hara was given permission to make a person feel they want something they really don't. And the same goes for what a person feels they can or cannot do. This has no relation to what they can or can't do in reality. So believe you will succeed, even if you feel you can’t!
The biggest obstacle to succeeding is not believing you can succeed. The first impediment to overcoming this struggle is not in your genes, your childhood or your environment. If you believe you can succeed and are willing to make the effort, you will find the way out. Absolutely NOTHING stands in the way of a true RATZON. You can read the recovery stories on our site to see that many people even worse off than you have successfully broken free of these behaviors.
We must truly want to break free of this Mitzrayim. Chazal say that those who didn’t want to leave Mitzrayim died in the plague of darkness. Already at the outset of our journey, we must be determined that we will never give up and always keep trying, no matter what.
R' Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin writes (Tzidkas Hatzadik 154): "Just as one must believe in Hashem, so too, one must believe in himself!" Hashem wants us to BELIEVE in our strengths, our capabilities, and in our ability to overcome evil and achieve greatness.
Although we might feel stuck, determination is completely up to us. The trick to ultimate success is only to want enough. So let’s be honest with ourselves. If we find that we don’t want to let go fully of the lust, let’s ask ourselves “why not?” Do we really need the lust? What is it doing for us? There are so many far more important things in life! When we try to hold on to the poison of lust, we are acting like little babies who kick and scream when their father tries to take the colorful little medicine pills that they thought were candies, away from them. Lust is poison! If we keep feeding it, it will ultimately destroy our lives. Let’s let our loving Father take it away from us.
Principle 5: No pain no gain
By nature, we go to what feels good and try to avoid pain. In that, we are no different than cows. Animals don't understand that a painful experience can be beneficial. Try to explain surgery to a cow! Pleasure and suffering are both part of life. But we get to choose which pleasures we want and which suffering we want. And the choice is either the false pleasure that lust offers us, or the pleasures that Hashem wants us to have – which are infinitely greater. Do we choose the pain of the spiritual “work-out” or the pain of the Yetzer Hara getting stronger?
The Steipler points out that anyone who keeps away from these forbidden pleasures is promised to receive the pleasures of life from other areas instead. And it follows that those who accept upon themselves the suffering that breaking-free entails, will save themselves much suffering in other areas of life.
If we decide that no matter how painful it is we won’t give in - even if we feel like we are dying, Hashem takes away the pain from us and it becomes much easier.
Principle 6: Making it a top priority
Nothing worthwhile comes without hard work. One of the greatest obstacles stopping a person from changing is the notion that it can be done without a lot of investment. We live in a generation of instant results, and we come to expect that whatever needs to happen should happen quickly. We tend to forget that our whole purpose on this world is to grow and improve. We tend to look at any weakness that we have as an "inconvenience" that needs to be gotten out of our way (or ignored), while in reality it's Hashem's personal message telling us exactly what He sent us to this world for. As it is brought down in the Sefarim (such as Tzidkas Hatzadik #49 and #181), that the things we struggle with the most in life are the very things that we came down to the world to fix.
The Vilna Gaon (Sefer Yonah 4:3) talks about Gilgulim (a Gilgul means that the soul comes back to this world after a previous life). And he explains that every soul has one major job to fix on its return to this world, in the one major area that it messed up last time. The Vilna Gaon asks, how we can know what the purpose of our soul’s Gilgul is? He answers that we can figure it out by observing what sins we stumble in the most, and which sins we have the most intense desire for.
So if this is what we indeed came down to the world for, let us make our growth in this area the most important thing in our life.
Principle 7: True fulfillment vs. false fulfillment
The Yetzer Hara's job and goal is to cause us damage, and to do this he was given permission to use pleasure and "Sipuk" (fulfillment) as a bluff to be able to harm us. Otherwise, how could he possibly do his job? We would tell him to get lost! But we must understand that his seductions are like a terrorist offering us a piece of cake to ensnare us. We know he doesn't mean the cake, he means to use the cake to damage us somehow. Only pleasure that is tied with truth has a Kiyum (lasts) because it can make a mitzvah complete; for example, eating meat on Yom Tov or the enjoyment we experience on Shabbos. But pleasure that is tied to Sheker has no kiyum, which explains why when the pleasure is over, we don't feel any fulfillment. And we also don't talk about it with those who love us, with those who want the best for us, because we know that it was just there to damage us. And that's also why we want it again not long afterwards, even though we just had it. After all, if it was truth, why isn't it there anymore? Because we feel a void, and so we look again to fill this void with another false Sipuk (fulfillment).
Principle 8: “With cunning make your battle” (Mishlei 24:6)
We are unlikely to succeed if we try to fight the Yetzer Hara head on. As the Ohr Hachayim writes (Parshas Acharei Mos), the only way to succeed in this struggle is to diligently guard our eyes and thoughts. Once we are thinking about these things, and especially if we see the temptations before our eyes, it will often be too late and we won't be able to control ourselves.
There are a series of stories recorded in Gemara Kiddushin (80a-81a) where Hashem demonstrated the power of the Yetzer Hara to some of the Tana’im who had belittled it's influence. The Gemara relates that the Satan presented himself to R' Akivah as a seductive woman in a treetop. He became so inflamed that he was unable to resist, and he started to climb the tree to sin. Halfway up the tree, the woman turned back into the Satan and said: "If it wouldn't be that it had been said in the Heavens to respect R' Akivah and his teachings, I'd take your life!". A similar story is recorded with R' Meir swimming across a river to sin with a woman, and upon reaching the halfway point, the woman turned back into the Satan, rebuking him with those same words. We can learn from these stories how it is almost impossible to overcome these tests when a person is faced head-on with powerful lust.
Therefore, to succeed in this struggle, we need to avoid fighting it head on. Just like terrorists are often successful because they don’t try to fight a big army head on, we must also learn to apply guerilla warfare and pre-empt the Yetzer Hara. Fighting him head-on is a sure recipe for failure. Instead, we need to make careful fences to avoid him. To learn what fences we need to make, we have to start asking ourselves how the evil inclination has been so successful until today? How does he get us to fall? How do our minds work in the various situations we find ourselves in? In what habitual ways have we learned to scan our surroundings? How is our mind used to thinking and processing information? Which scenarios most trigger our lust? What moods are we in when it happens, and in what situations do we begin to slip?
When we study ourselves honestly (and sometimes it helps to view our behaviors as if we were a different person watching ourselves from the outside), we can learn how the evil inclination works with us. Then we can pre-empt him and prevent him from fighting us head-on. Ultimately, we must learn to try not to even get into discussions with him at all. Instead of fighting him directly, we must learn to walk around him.
Principle 9: Learning to love Hashem through this struggle
This struggle is the fertile soil that our “true” selves will grow out of. And through it, we learn how to give our hearts over to Hashem. And hopefully we will be able to look back one day and say that it was all worth it. After all, for what did we come down to the world for, if not to learn how to give Hashem our hearts? As the Pasuk says: "Ten b’ni libcha li – my son, give me your heart." Through this struggle, we learn how to “Let go and let G-d” and how to surrender our will and our lives over to Hashem in a very deep way. And this is something most people never merit to learn, even in 120 years on this world. So in a deeper sense, this struggle is truly a gift from Hashem and a sign of His love for us - if we only use it correctly!
No matter how much we have fallen, we must never view ourselves as “despised” by Hashem or imagine that Hashem is annoyed and frustrated with us. Instead, as we learn to give over our will to Hashem we will begin to feel that Hashem is truly our closest and most eternal friend.
As we progress and mature, we begin to view our relationship with Hashem on a much more intimate level. We begin to perceive how the lust is trying to get in between “us and Hashem” and interfere with the greatest love that can possibly exist!
To learn how to redirect our love to Hashem through this struggle, here is one helpful approach from the Holy Sefer, Noam Elimelech from Rav Elimelech of Lizensk (Parshas Bishalach):
Yakov Avinu A”H, used to serve Hashem with his midah, which is “Tiferes” (meaning "Awesome Beauty"). And from everything he used to see, hear, do, or eat, he took from it awesomeness of the Creator--Blessed Be He. For example, if he would eat something tasty, he would think in his mind: “This food is but a creation. Who put the good taste into this food? Was it not the Creator--Blessed Bbe He? And if this food is so good in taste, is it not obvious that all the good and pleasantness is to be found in the Creator--may his name be blessed--without any limits or boundaries?! And so he would think with each thing. And with this is understood the Pasuk, “and Yaakov kissed Rachel”.
How uplifting and beautiful it is to try to apply this midah of Yaakov Avinu to ourselves. Whenever we see something that turns our hearts to these desires, we need to tell ourselves, "If this is truly so good and I desire it so much, how much more desirable it must be to connect with Hashem, for in Him lies all beauty, comfort, security, love and pleasure. (After all, if He didn't have it all within Him, could He have created it?) All of us have a "G-d hole" that we are trying to fill. Hashem gave us a deep subconscious need to seek Him out, for He is the source of all that we need. Our physical minds are simply messing up the signals of our soul's yearning. The beauty we see in this world is but a fleeting shadow of the real thing!
The Baal Shem Tov also speaks a lot about how these desires are “fallen love” that really have their roots in the upper spiritual world of “Ahavah”. As is written in Parshas Lech Lecha:
Everything (in this world) is a projection of Hakadosh Baruch Hu through his attributes of love and fear, as is known. But the love is in exile, clothed in the physical, such as in a woman or in food… One should say in his heart, if I love this, which is only a ‘fallen and broken love” dressed in a putrid drop (which is where we all come from), how much more should I love the Holy one Blessed Be He!
Those who struggle with these desires can use it as a spring board to Ahavas Hashem. And when we successfully do this, we are uplifting the greatest physical desires and turning them into a great love for Hashem! This is a very high level of Divine service. We can also see this midah at play when Yaakov Avinu met his son Yosef after 22 years and, as Chazal tell us, he turned his love to Hashem by saying Kriyas Shema. We can grow in this direction if every time we feel unhealthy desires we daven to Hashem and say, “Hashem, please help me find in You what I am looking for in lust”.
The sefarim speak about how the highest desire a Jew can have is to be dovek - attached to Hashem and to the ziv of the Sh'chinah. It is actually supposed to be a ‘lust’ of some sort, as the Rambam (Maimonides, Mishnah Torah, "Laws of Repentance", 10,3) writes:
What is the proper love that we must have for G-d? It is to love G-d with an exceedingly great and intensely powerful love until the individual is constantly enraptured by it; he must be stricken like a lovesick person, whose mind is at no time free from his passion for a particular woman, with the thought of her filling his heart at all times, whether he be sitting down or rising up, whether he be eating or drinking. Even more intense should the love of G-d be in the hearts of those who love Him, and this love should constantly absorb him, as we are commanded to love the Lord "with all your heart and with all your soul." Solomon expressed this allegorically in the verse, "for I am sick with love." (Song of Songs, 2:5) Indeed, the entire Song of Songs is an allegorical description of this love.
Principle 10: Redirecting the power in our souls
We have often discovered that we were trying to fight only the Yetzer Hara, rather than building and changing ourselves. For true long term success, we must learn to fight the cause of the bad behaviors and not just the symptoms.
The Medrash says that if you did many chavilos (bundles) of sins, do chavilos of Mitzvos instead of them. The Beis Aharon of Karlin explains that chavilos is a language of hiskashrus - connection (as it says “Yaakov Chevel Nachalaso”), and he explains that in order to fix what we did in the past and break free from the “other side,” we need to use the same hiskashrus and enthusiasm that filled our mind and limbs during the times we sinned, and instead do the Mitzvos in the same all-consuming and enthusiastic manner.
In general, those who struggle a lot with these issues, have a great deal of emotional and spiritual energy inside them. It is they who actually have the capacity and potential for the most intense spiritual connection with Hashem. We just need to learn how to channel the energy of our souls in the proper ways.
It is also known that people with particular character traits, such as creativity, love for people and spiritual sensitivity, are more prone to seeking alternate expression for their inner strengths through a stronger than usual lust drive. That is why it is so important to learn how to channel the strengths we have in the proper ways. Heightened lust is actually a symptom of a deep subconscious need that, for some reason, has still not reached fulfillment.
Our Sages have said (Sukkah 52a, discussing the desire for lust): "Whoever is greater than his friend, his Yetzer is greater as well". It is important to understand that, in a psychological sense, the Yetzer Tov and the Yetzer Hara are really the same inner force. The greater a person is, the more his soul's strengths require expression, and these strengths will ultimately burst forth and find expression in either a positive or negative way.
As Rav Tzadok (in Tzidkas Hatzadik #44) writes, if a person has major temptations, he should not be saddened about blemishes in his soul; on the contrary, he should be glad to realize that he has special strengths that need to be properly channeled. This, he explains, is what Chazal meant by "One who is greater than his friend, his Yetzer is greater as well."
Later on, Rav Tzadok explains (based on the Zohar) that the Dor Hamabul and the Dor Hamidbar who received the Torah, shared the same souls. And he explains that the reason is based on the above principle. The Dor Hamabul's major sin was spilling seed, as is well known from all the kabalistic oriented seforim, and the Dor Hamidbar were Zoche to receive the Torah. Rav Tzadok explains that the spiritual energy is one and the same. The fake desire for lust is the flip side of the same coin of a true desire for Torah and spirituality. And he explains further, that this generation will appear once again in the days before Moshiach, where the spiritual Kochos will once again succeed in overpowering the koach of lust.
So let us direct our spiritual vigor into our prayers. We will be amazed at how uplifting they can become! And let us start doing the mitzvos with enthusiasm and learn Torah with passion! We were given a gift by Hashem because the struggles we experience are really just the vibes of our souls, striving for genuine expression and a true connection with the Almighty.
Our Divine service can be so much more than average if we use the struggle in the way it was intended by Hashem, as a spring-board for growth. Spiritual progress that might take other people many years of intense Divine service to achieve, we can attain through this struggle in a very short time if we use it right!
It can also be very helpful to seek alternative ways of connecting to Hashem to find inner fulfillment. We can seek out Chesed projects, Torah projects or study new areas or techniques in Divine service. For that is what our souls are really yearning for: a meaningful connection with Hashem, and to fulfill that which we came down to the world to accomplish.
It is also important to point out that instead of running frantically away from the Yetzer Hara in fear, we can learn to run instead towards Hashem with joy. If we do this, the Yetzer Hara falls away by himself. As the Sefarim say: “Sur merah.” How? Through “Aseh Tov!”
Principle 11: Dealing with thoughts and fantasies
Everyone has these fantasies. Some people more, some people less. We are human beings and not angels. Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world in such a way that men and women are attracted to one another and, because of this, people get married, have children and populate the Earth. If it bothers you that you struggle with these thoughts, that is already something to be proud of. If we get down on ourselves about fantasies, we become sad, and the sadness brings even more fantasies, and this becomes a vicious cycle that is difficult to break away from. However, the moment we start to look at ourselves in a positive light, we will see that the fantasies will come much less often.
The Ba’al Hatanya (Chapter 27, abridged) writes about those who subdue these bad thoughts:
The Zohar (p.128) extols the great satisfaction before Hashem when the sitra achra (the other side) is subdued here below. For then the glory of Hakadosh Baruch Hu rises above all, even more than is possible through any praise, and this ascent is greater than all else.
Therefore, no person should feel depressed, even should he be engaged all his days in this conflict, for perhaps because of this he was created, and this is his service -- to constantly subjugate the sitra achra.
They tell a story of a Ba'al Teshuvah who once came to one of the Chassidic Masters with a question. Having done Teshuvah for his past evil ways, he found that he was still plagued by bad thoughts and fantasies. The Rebbe gave him a parable:
There was once a Jew named Moshkeh who owned an inn where he used to sell wine and spirits to the gentile peasants of the area. After a while, he became disgusted in dealing with the drunken gentiles and decided to go into another line of business and he closed down the bar. That evening, there was a banging on the door. "Moshkeh, Moshkeh, open up! We want some wine and spirits!" "Sorry," Moshkeh replied, "from now on, the inn is closed." The gentiles had no choice but to leave disappointed. For days, and even weeks afterwards, Moshkeh would keep getting knocks on the door, but as the word slowly spread that the bar was closed, the knocking became less and less frequent, until the gentiles stopped coming altogether.
The same goes with these thoughts, explained the Rebbe. After doing Teshuvah, the thoughts keep trying to get in. But, if we keep the store closed and refrain from our past behaviors, the thoughts too will stop coming to us after a while.
Practically, we can control our own minds to an extent. For some people, the following technique works well: Think of a "clean" pleasurable image of a place you've been or an experience that you enjoyed. Concentrate on this image for a while with your eyes open or closed. Feel the feelings, see the picture and hear the sounds all around you. Now, every time an old image or fantasy comes up in your mind which you want to get rid of, simply replace it with this good image.
Others suggest focusing on your breathing as you inhale and exhale deeply for a couple of minutes. This exercise has the power to divert our awareness from our thoughts as we focus on the breathing in our body. It is also relaxing and releases the tension and pressure built up by the lust we experience through the fantasies.
One person wrote on our forum:
You can't wrestle with a pig and not get dirty. The thoughts will come - accept that. It doesn't mean anything. Worrying about them or doing something with the express purpose of getting rid of them just won't work - you're wrestling with a pig. It’s like trying not to think about a green elephant, that will only make you think of a green elephant more. When the thoughts come, try to just acknowledge that they popped into your head, wish them a friendly 'shalom aleichem!' and then move on to try and do something else.
In the Chassidic literature (see Likutei Moharon 27:8) it is brought down that getting bad thoughts and fantasies is actually a zechus. They give a person the opportunity for teshuva and proper tikkun for past aveiros. So many people get down when they get these thoughts and feel bad about themselves. But these thoughts are there in order for a person to chase them away and merit true teshuva. The thoughts come to a person so that they should uplift them. Kabalistically, the thoughts have somewhat of a life of their own and actually WANT to be uplifted! So just realize that your current challenges are intended for you to attain teshuvah shleima. Knowing this can prevent unnecessary hindrances and should invigorate us for continued growth.
Teffilah is a very powerful tool in this struggle as well. When feeling under attack by lust, say: "Please Hashem, save me from lust! I want to love You, not flesh and blood". Or say; “Ribono Shel Olam, I know that it is my fault that I have these thoughts. I don't want them. Help me to distract myself to something else and leave them be.” Even short “foxhole” type prayers can work wonders like: “Hashem, Help me. I can’t do this alone.”
Everyone has these fantasies. Some people more, some people less. We are human beings and not angels. Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world in such a way that men and women are attracted to one another and, because of this, people get married, have children and populate the Earth. If it bothers you that you struggle with these thoughts, that is already something to be proud of. If we get down on ourselves about fantasies, we become sad, and the sadness brings even more fantasies, and this becomes a vicious cycle that is difficult to break away from. However, the moment we start to look at ourselves in a positive light, we will see that the fantasies will come much less often.
The Ba’al Hatanya (Chapter 27, abridged) writes about those who subdue these bad thoughts:
The Zohar (p.128) extols the great satisfaction before Hashem when the sitra achra (the other side) is subdued here below. For then the glory of Hakadosh Baruch Hu rises above all, even more than is possible through any praise, and this ascent is greater than all else.
Therefore, no person should feel depressed, even should he be engaged all his days in this conflict, for perhaps because of this he was created, and this is his service -- to constantly subjugate the sitra achra.
They tell a story of a Ba'al Teshuvah who once came to one of the Chassidic Masters with a question. Having done Teshuvah for his past evil ways, he found that he was still plagued by bad thoughts and fantasies. The Rebbe gave him a parable:
There was once a Jew named Moshkeh who owned an inn where he used to sell wine and spirits to the gentile peasants of the area. After a while, he became disgusted in dealing with the drunken gentiles and decided to go into another line of business and he closed down the bar. That evening, there was a banging on the door. "Moshkeh, Moshkeh, open up! We want some wine and spirits!" "Sorry," Moshkeh replied, "from now on, the inn is closed." The gentiles had no choice but to leave disappointed. For days, and even weeks afterwards, Moshkeh would keep getting knocks on the door, but as the word slowly spread that the bar was closed, the knocking became less and less frequent, until the gentiles stopped coming altogether.
The same goes with these thoughts, explained the Rebbe. After doing Teshuvah, the thoughts keep trying to get in. But, if we keep the store closed and refrain from our past behaviors, the thoughts too will stop coming to us after a while.
Practically, we can control our own minds to an extent. For some people, the following technique works well: Think of a "clean" pleasurable image of a place you've been or an experience that you enjoyed. Concentrate on this image for a while with your eyes open or closed. Feel the feelings, see the picture and hear the sounds all around you. Now, every time an old image or fantasy comes up in your mind which you want to get rid of, simply replace it with this good image.
Others suggest focusing on your breathing as you inhale and exhale deeply for a couple of minutes. This exercise has the power to divert our awareness from our thoughts as we focus on the breathing in our body. It is also relaxing and releases the tension and pressure built up by the lust we experience through the fantasies.
One person wrote on our forum:
You can't wrestle with a pig and not get dirty. The thoughts will come - accept that. It doesn't mean anything. Worrying about them or doing something with the express purpose of getting rid of them just won't work - you're wrestling with a pig. It’s like trying not to think about a green elephant, that will only make you think of a green elephant more. When the thoughts come, try to just acknowledge that they popped into your head, wish them a friendly 'shalom aleichem!' and then move on to try and do something else.
In the Chassidic literature (see Likutei Moharon 27:8) it is brought down that getting bad thoughts and fantasies is actually a zechus. They give a person the opportunity for teshuva and proper tikkun for past aveiros. So many people get down when they get these thoughts and feel bad about themselves. But these thoughts are there in order for a person to chase them away and merit true teshuva. The thoughts come to a person so that they should uplift them. Kabalistically, the thoughts have somewhat of a life of their own and actually WANT to be uplifted! So just realize that your current challenges are intended for you to attain teshuvah shleima. Knowing this can prevent unnecessary hindrances and should invigorate us for continued growth.
Teffilah is a very powerful tool in this struggle as well. When feeling under attack by lust, say: "Please Hashem, save me from lust! I want to love You, not flesh and blood". Or say; “Ribono Shel Olam, I know that it is my fault that I have these thoughts. I don't want them. Help me to distract myself to something else and leave them be.” Even short “foxhole” type prayers can work wonders like: “Hashem, Help me. I can’t do this alone.”
Principle 12: Catching ourselves as we slip
Even if we started to slip, we can achieve the greatest levels of Kedusha by stopping ourselves from sliding further. The Sefarim write that the Nachas Ruach we give to Hashem by holding back even when we feel that “we already blew it”, is even greater than when we successfully avoid the tests in the first place.
Perhaps the greatest illustration of this is Yosef Hatzadik. The Gemara (Sotah 36b) says that Yosef actually came to Potifar's house to sin (as Rashi brings). And the Gemara goes on to say that he actually spilled some seed at the time, thereby losing ten Shevatim that were supposed to come from him. And when after all that, he still held back from sinning, he became the great Yosef Hatzadik!
R' Tzadok explains that this is what really constituted the great test. The Satan said to Yosef: “Don't you see that you already messed everything up? Don't you realize what a goner you are? Your brothers hate you and sold you to Mitzrayim, nobody cares about you anymore. You're lost and cut off from this world and the next. And now you’ve failed so badly. Face the facts, it's over!”
But Yosef Hatzadik said “No! I don't care about anything - not even about being a Tzadik. The only thing that concerns me is: What do I need to do at this very moment? What does my Father in Heaven want from me right now?” And it was in that zechus that he merited everything. And Chazal say that even the splitting of the Yam Suf was in Yosef’s merit!
So, if we want to split our own personal Yam Suf, this is one of the greatest Yesodos to keep in mind!
Principle 13: Every Little Bit Counts
We must believe that coin after coin are added to our “spiritual bank” every time we say “no” to the Yetzer Hara, no matter how insignificant it may seem to us at the time. Even if someone is sure that they’ll fall in the very near future, they should know that for every second they hold back, they are earning reward that no person or malach can fathom! And when a person has enough “coins” in their “spiritual account”, they will succeed beyond their wildest dreams!
The Gemara says: "Habah letaher misaayen lo – He who comes to be purified, they help him," and Chazal also say: "Biderech she'adom rotzeh leilech molichin osoh – in the way a person wants to go, they lead him." Why does the Gemara speak always in plural form: “they help him,” and “they lead him”? The Maharsha explains that every resolution and every effort that a person makes creates an angel. And when the army of angels gets large enough, it has the power to help one overcome all the obstacles and lead him to where he wants to go!
