The notion that we must always succeed actually turns us into easy prey for our Yetzer Hara. He uses our good qualities, such as our constant yearning for perfection, and he turns it against us by trying to get us to feel down when we experience a fall! In this struggle, it is never “all or nothing”. When an army goes out to battle, do they always win? Are there never casualties? People injured? The Pasuk says: “There is no Tzadik on earth who does only good and never sins” (Koheles 7:20).
Rav Hutner once wrote a letter to a Bochur who was despondent over his personal spiritual failures. In the letter, Rav Hutner explains that what makes life meaningful is not basking in the exclusive company of one's Yetzer Tov, but rather the dynamic struggle of one's battle with the Yetzer Hara. Shlomo Hamelech's maxim that "Seven times does the righteous one fall and get up" (Mishlei, 24:16), continues Rav Hutner, does not mean that "even after falling seven times, the righteous one manages to gets up again." What it really means, he explains, is that it is only and precisely through repeated falls that a person truly achieves righteousness. The struggles – even the failures – are inherent elements of what can, with determination and perseverance, become an ultimate victory.
If you were watching a fight between a man and a lion, who would you be inclined to reward more, a man with a gun who shoots the lion in one fell blow, or the man who needs to use his bare hands? In the latter case, there is a huge fight and sometimes the man is down and the lion is winning, yet he manages to push off the lion again and again and finally overpowers him and wins the fight! Hashem wants to reward us with infinite Divine delight, and He gave us a beast inside us to slay. He could have made us mighty as the Malachim, but it is only through human beings who fight with their bare hands in the darkness of this world that Hashem’s Divine presence is uplifted and is able to brighten the darkest places.
The Zohar in Parshas Tetzava writes:
For there is no light besides that which comes out of darkness. And when the "other" side is subjugated, the Master of the World is elevated and his honor is increased. And avodas Hashem can only be through darkness, and there can be no good, only though bad. And when a person goes into a bad path and then leaves it, the Master of the World's honor is elevated. And therefore, the "Shleimus" (completion) of everything, is good and bad together - and then to leave to the (side of) good. And there can be no good but that which comes through bad, and from such good, Hashem is elevated. And this is called an "avodah shleimah" (a complete service of Hashem).
Principle 15: Hashem looks at our efforts, not the results
Hashem doesn’t seek great successes and big achievements from us. Whether we succeed in a big way or not, is ultimately His business. All He asks from us is that we try to get a little stronger every day and do what we can at this point in time. Our struggle with the Yetzer Hara is even more precious to Hashem than our ultimate success in breaking free. Hashem has enough great and powerful Malachim in Shamayim, but only humans struggle with the Yetzer Hara and can give Hashem Nachas Ruach through that.
It is brought down in the sefer Menucha v'Kedusha, written by a talmid of R' Chaim Volozhiner, that even a person who sins his whole life can still be considered a Tzadik, as long as he never gives up and always continues to fight. We like to think of success in terms of results. But Hashem looks at our efforts, not at the results.
Principle 16: Getting back up after a fall
If we experience a fall, we must never let it get us down. Getting depressed is exactly what the Yetzer Hara wants, and it leads to a vicious cycle of continued falls.
The truest test of an eved Hashem is davka when Hashem takes everything away from him, such as when he falls and feels no inspiration, no emotion and no Hislavus. That's the moment of truth where a person can ask himself honestly, “am I an eved Hashem because it's my nature and/or because it keeps me emotionally happy, or do I serve the Almighty because that's His will and nothing else?”
The Lechevitcher Rebbe (a student of R' Shlomo of Karlin) once went as far as to say that even if a person just killed someone and the knife is still dripping with blood, and he feels unable to stand up and daven Mincha (the afternoon service) with all his strength and heart, then he has not yet tasted from the waters of Chassidus!
The Be’er Mayim Chayim says that in the army, when they would want to test a great soldier to see if he's fit to be a general, they would put him on a wild horse that was impossible not be thrown off of. Although no one could stay on that horse, the test was only to see how fast he would get back up after he was brutally thrown down and wounded.
Principle 17: Don’t dwell on the past
Although the spiritual damage we cause by acting out is very great, we must accept that Hashem brought us into this situation and that it is not all our fault. Let us never dwell on how it happened, or on past falls. This will cause us to feel down and lead to future falls. The Chidushei Harim (in Likutei Yehudah) tells his followers never to look back, claiming that if we look back, we remain in the mud. Everyone has dirty laundry. We don’t have to be ashamed of our laundry, unless we let it pile up and never clean it.
We must also realize that we didn’t always have free will in the past. This is clear from various Sefarim and in various places in Chazal. To quote one of the foremost baalei mussar of our times, Rav Shlomo Wolbe, [zt"l]:
The great [Jewish] philosophers established bechira as the cornerstone for the whole Torah.... But from this resulted a common misperception among the masses; that all people actively choose their every act and every decision. This is a grievous error. (Alei Schur, Vol. 1, p. 156)
What, then, is bechira? To answer this question, Rav Wolbe refers us to Rav Eliyahu Dessler's "phenomenal essay on bechira” (Michtav MeEliyahu, Vol. 1, pp. 111-116). In this essay, Rav Dessler describes how the “nekudas habechirah – the point of free choice” is different for different people and in different situations. He explains that bechira is not a theoretical concept that can be applied to any circumstance where a person can hypothetically choose between two options. Rather, it only applies to moral conflicts where the two opposing forces are of approximately equal strength, the person is aware of the internal conflict, and he makes a conscious decision in one direction. When a person does something over which he does not experience conscious conflict, or if the compelling force on one side is significantly stronger than the other, the fact that he is theoretically able to decide either way does not qualify his act as an expression of bechira.
“Ain Hakadosh Baruch Hu ba beterunya im habriyos – Hashem doesn’t come with complaints to his creations.” As the Pasuk says: “He created together all their hearts and understands all their deeds,” and he knows that almost all men stumble in this sin at some point in their youth.
There’s a well known adage that if Hashem gave us a test, we must have the ability to overcome it as well. R’ Tzadok HaKohen says though, (in Tzidkas Hatzadik) that this is not as simple as it sounds. It is true that we all have free choice to do what Hashem expects of us in this world, over the course of our lifetimes. However, in the process of our journey, there are many times when a person is considered an onus.
After the sin of the golden calf, the Midrash says that Moshe said to Hashem, if a father gave his son gold and sat him down on the doorstep of a Beis Zonos – “ma ya’aseh haben velo yecheta? - What can the son do and not sin?” In other words, we find in Chazal that there are times when a person may not have full Bechira.
See also the Rambam Hilchos Issurei Biyah 1:8 – “for the Yetzer and human nature forced her to want,” and see Tosofos in Sanhedrin 26b where they discuss how someone suspected of illicit relations may still be a Kosher witness, since it could be that his desires simply overpowered him. And see the Gemara in Brachos, 32b: “Asher Hari’osi” where Hakadosh Baruch Hu acknowledges to Eliyahu Hanavi that He was the one who had turned the Yidden’s heart away from him.
The Steipler too, in regards to a specific behavior that someone had difficulty controlling, writes: “He is not a Ba’al Bechira now in this area, and the only thing he can (and should) do, are Tikkunim that will help him over time.”
Once we understand that we didn’t always have free will in the past, we will prevent the guilt from dragging us down into a vicious cycle of despair and continued falls. And guilt can be even more dangerous than the falls. As they say: "It's not the one cookie you ate that broke the diet. The diet ended when you felt bad about that one cookie, and then went on to finish the entire BOX!”
And even if we may have had some freedom of choice at the time we fell, it could be that we had very little. The sins we did are only judged according to the circumstances and the level of free will that we had at the time. Only Hashem knows if we could have done better or not.
Principle 18: Guilt vs. Shame
It is important to understand the difference between charata: healthy guilt & regret, as opposed to yiush: shame & despair.
To quote Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski:
We generally use the words “shame” and guilt” interchangeably. One may say, “I am ashamed of what I did”, meaning “I feel guilty over what I did.” Technically, however, the two terms are different. Guilt is about what a person did, and it can be a constructive feeling in that it can lead one to Teshuvah, to take corrective action. Shame, however, is what one feels he is. In other words, guilt is “I made a mistake”, whereas shame is “I am a mistake”. If one feels that he is inherently flawed, that he is made of “bad stuff”, there is nothing he can do to change that. With guilt there is hope of improvement, but not with shame.
Every person should feel he is a child of Hashem with a holy Neshama. Hashem doesn’t make defective goods. There is never room for despair or shame. However, healthy “guilt” is important. As the Nesivos Shalom writes in Parshas Noach, the guilty feelings we have are a gift from Hashem that come from the inherent good inside every Jew. Indeed, he writes, a Jew who does not have these feelings anymore, no longer has much hope.
A person who gives in to the Yetzer Hara only because the Yetzer hara has tempted him strongly and he can't hold back, is still not "bad' in essence. With sincere Teshuvah, Hashem will forgive him. But if one doesn't feel guilt anymore, that means that the bad has taken him over totally and there is little hope.
The Nesivos Shalom ends by saying that “guilt” is actually a Tikkun for every Jew to be able to break free of the bad. Even when one falls, they should make sure that the fall does not become part of their essence. By continuing to hold on to Hashem and feeling guilty when we are far from Him, then even in the case of the worst sins chas veshalom, we still have hope and will be forgiven.
There’s a simple test we can do to know whether we are being motivated by healthy guilt/regret or by shame/despair. If we see that we want to get right back up and find ways to strengthen ourselves again, then it’s a sign that our “bad” feelings are those of healthy guilt and positive regret. If, however, we feel that we just want to give up, then it’s a sure sign that we are experiencing despair and shame, and we must quickly find a way out of these harmful feelings before they lead us to a vicious cycle of continued falls.
How indeed can we remain happy after a fall? Let’s read on…
It is important to understand the difference between charata: healthy guilt & regret, as opposed to yiush: shame & despair.
To quote Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski:
We generally use the words “shame” and guilt” interchangeably. One may say, “I am ashamed of what I did”, meaning “I feel guilty over what I did.” Technically, however, the two terms are different. Guilt is about what a person did, and it can be a constructive feeling in that it can lead one to Teshuvah, to take corrective action. Shame, however, is what one feels he is. In other words, guilt is “I made a mistake”, whereas shame is “I am a mistake”. If one feels that he is inherently flawed, that he is made of “bad stuff”, there is nothing he can do to change that. With guilt there is hope of improvement, but not with shame.
Every person should feel he is a child of Hashem with a holy Neshama. Hashem doesn’t make defective goods. There is never room for despair or shame. However, healthy “guilt” is important. As the Nesivos Shalom writes in Parshas Noach, the guilty feelings we have are a gift from Hashem that come from the inherent good inside every Jew. Indeed, he writes, a Jew who does not have these feelings anymore, no longer has much hope.
A person who gives in to the Yetzer Hara only because the Yetzer hara has tempted him strongly and he can't hold back, is still not "bad' in essence. With sincere Teshuvah, Hashem will forgive him. But if one doesn't feel guilt anymore, that means that the bad has taken him over totally and there is little hope.
The Nesivos Shalom ends by saying that “guilt” is actually a Tikkun for every Jew to be able to break free of the bad. Even when one falls, they should make sure that the fall does not become part of their essence. By continuing to hold on to Hashem and feeling guilty when we are far from Him, then even in the case of the worst sins chas veshalom, we still have hope and will be forgiven.
There’s a simple test we can do to know whether we are being motivated by healthy guilt/regret or by shame/despair. If we see that we want to get right back up and find ways to strengthen ourselves again, then it’s a sign that our “bad” feelings are those of healthy guilt and positive regret. If, however, we feel that we just want to give up, then it’s a sure sign that we are experiencing despair and shame, and we must quickly find a way out of these harmful feelings before they lead us to a vicious cycle of continued falls.
How indeed can we remain happy after a fall? Let’s read on…
Principle 19: We don’t lose past gains after a fall
If we were trying to stay clean and had a fall, we must realize that we haven’t lost anything that we gained until now. We simply have to get up and continue from where we left off. The Steipler once told someone who complained to him about how difficult this struggle was, that the times we fail are erasable, but every time we pass a test is a Kinyan that's ours to keep forever. Even if we are successfully misgaber (overcome) only once in a while at first, this initial hisgabrus will ultimately lead us to break free completely.
The Ba'al Hasulam says a beautiful parable:
A king once had a good friend whom he hadn't seen in many years. When this friend finally returned, the king was so happy to see him that he told his treasurer to take his friend - who happened to be a pauper - to the royal treasury, and to give him one hour to take as much money as he wanted! So they brought him into the treasury and gave him a bag, which the poor man proceeded to fill with gold coins until the bag could hold no more. Full of gratitude and happiness, the poor man began to leave, but as soon as he stepped out of the door, the guards gave the bag a big kick and all the coins spilled onto the floor. The man was distraught, but he looked at his watch and saw that he still had plenty of time until his hour was up, so he quickly returned to the treasury and began to refill the bag with coins. But when it was full and he tried to leave, once again the guards gave the bag a big kick and everything went flying. The man was at his wits end, but seeing that he still had more time, he refused to give up and went back again to refill the bag.
The same scenario repeated itself over and over. The guards kept kicking the bag of coins and causing everything to spill, until the poor man was sure that he was simply wasting his time.
Finally the hour was up and the guards dragged the poor man out of the room with his bag barely half full.
But suddenly the poor man looked up and he saw a wagon overloaded with gold coins standing before him. And as he stood there wondering for whom all that money is intended, he saw the king coming to greet him with a big smile. The king told him that the entire wagon load of gold coins belongs to him, explaining that all the coins he had gathered and thought he had lost were saved for him. The king had commanded the guards to empty the bag again and again only so that he would manage to gather up so much more in the one hour that he had!
The lesson is clear. Even if we fell and it feels like we lost everything and are starting again from scratch, we should know that Hashem does this only so that our “vessels” should be empty once again, to enable us to fill them up yet another time with even more achievements. But the attainments from the first vessels that we filled were never lost. They were already deposited into our “spiritual bank account”.
So if you were doing great for a while and had yet another fall, don’t despair! Trust that Hashem had much Nachas Ruach from your spiritual successes, but he wanted you to take it to the next level and therefore he gave you these pitfalls, even though he knew you would fall. What makes a person great is his ability to get back up, despite his falls. And davka by having to renew our determination from the ground up, we are rocketed into a much closer Kesher with Hashem than we ever had before!
Instead of getting down on ourselves after a fall, let us reflect back on how many times we did manage to say “no” to the Yetzer Hara before he won us over now! Let’s recall the many tens - if not hundreds - of times during the past clean-streak that we didn’t give in to him! We definitely have the upper hand in this war. He is determined to make us feel down so that we should continue to slip. But let us focus on the overall picture. Even though we may have lost a battle now, we are still winning the war. Let’s rejoice about our successes and get right back up for the next round, where B’Ezras Hashem, we will do even better!
Principle 20: Experience is built out of failures
The saying goes: “The man who never did anything wrong, never did anything.” Experience that makes a man ultimately successful is always earned through his initial failures. The difference between a successful person and a failure is not the number of times they fell, but rather the number of times they got up again. The successful person got up just one time more than the failure did. Our Sages said: “The Torah cannot be upheld, only through one who has stumbled in it first.” The falls are part of the struggle. And through them, we learn how to make better fences, try better strategies, and ultimately become much greater human beings.
Principle 21: There’s always hope
Rav Yisrael Salanter said: “As long as the candle is lit, one can still fix.” And Rabbi Nachman said “There’s absolutely no such thing in the world as giving up.” There is always hope, even from what seems to be the deepest depths of sin and despair. Rabbi Nachman also said: “If you believe you can destroy, believe you can fix.” There is no such thing as a sin that can’t be fixed, or a situation that is completely hopeless.
As we brought above, the Zohar says that there can be no light if it doesn’t come first through the darkest darkness. Even in a state of deep darkness, we must recognize that Hashem is with us, loves us, and is hiding Himself only so that we will ultimately be able to appreciate His light so much more. Hashem is always ready to help us, as soon as we are ready to let Him.
