By Ben Brafman
5 Towns Jewish Times
5 Towns Jewish Times
This is a difficult time for all of us — those hunkered down in their homes, petrified by a deadly virus, and those who seek to escape this abject terror by finding some outdoor time in a relaxed atmosphere. We should go out of our way during this time to be more menschlich to each other, not look to add tension and aggravation.
As a former prosecutor and as someone who has been a criminal defense lawyer for more than 40 years, I have learned that violence is rarely a smart response. All that knowledge and wisdom was almost lost on me this past Tuesday when I confronted a foul-mouthed bully and had to use all of my self-control to restrain my response.
Last summer, as a birthday gift, my sister and brother-in-law bought me a golf lesson at the Lawrence Club. Not one to waste a gift, I took my first lesson ever and at age 70, I hit my first golf ball. I quickly understood that this was a “sport” I might really like, recognizing that it was played in the sunshine, did not require physical size in order to excel, there was no opponent to conquer except myself, and, best of all, required “total” concentration, a distraction I desperately needed to clear my mind from the tension I deal with every day. In short, I was hooked and became a serious student of the game, taking many lessons, quickly coming to understand what a difficult sport this really is. Nevertheless, with the guidance of good teachers and the patience of my brother-in-law, Richie, I played and played and played, enjoying the fresh air, thrilling in the “occasional” good shot even when surrounded by the many “bad” shots that I now know to be the nemesis of all golfers, even those playing for years.
To be honest, I found other aspects of the sport also appealing, particularly the civility of course play. Despite the frustration this difficult mind game provides to “all” who play, there is generally an unspoken courtesy and kinship among those who play. Other players usually offer good-natured advice and encouragement, recognizing the struggling efforts of this serious beginner who with focus, concentration, and never-failing humor has been trying his best to get better and is actually seeing some modest signs of improvement.
The serenity of the sport took a mild hit for me when I encountered a foul-mouthed bully who like most bullies turned out to be a coward. General golf course etiquette provides for people who lose patience with a beginner like me playing ahead of them to politely ask if I “mind if they play through.” It’s quite simple. The beginner never says “no.” We simply step aside and let the better golfers play through so as not to require them to wait as I struggle to make an “8” on a Par 4 hole. That’s how it is done throughout the golf world except for this person.
Thus on Tuesday, as the temperature reached 50 degrees and as my self-imposed Corona quarantine became claustrophobic, Richie and I went out to play and enjoy the one outdoor athletic activity that still allowed for responsible social distancing. Then as I struggled on my 6th shot on a Par 3 hole, someone came up to me without warning and in defiance of all social distancing rules got into my face, called me a profanity, and stated that I should find another sport. I have to believe that this person never met someone like me, who, despite my size and weight disadvantage to him, did not back away but stood in his face and responded in kind. Like all bullies I have encountered growing up in Crown Heights as a 5’ 6” Jewish guy, this person predictably slinked away, much to the humiliation of his three playing partners who were perhaps secretly hoping to see their buddy and this much shorter golfer mix it up. (As an aside, while his group of four backed away from the encounter, Richie stood toe to toe and had my back throughout.)
Maybe my opponent understood from my serious expression that I was not afraid of him. Maybe he took note of the heavy golf club I was wielding or maybe just maybe he wanted to defuse an encounter he foolishly started and then quickly understood he was losing as the short Jewish guy he hoped to terrorize with his brutish behavior was surprisingly ready to fight this jerk who simply picked on the wrong guys at the wrong time. Hopefully, his three golfing buddies who witnessed his humiliating public display later explained to him the error of his ways, especially after one of them asked me, “Are you Ben Brafman?” Perhaps my opponent realized that he had made a fool of himself. What matters is that he backed down, and perhaps he will think twice before he acts like a prepubescent kid outside the privacy of his bedroom.
Twenty-five years ago, when representing a professional hit man who was a dangerous sociopath, I asked him to explain a particularly vicious assault he had been accused of. I will never forget his response as he looked me straight in the eye and said with a serious tone and piercing eyes, “Sometimes, a person just deserves a beating.” Perhaps my opponent “deserved a beating,” but as a sophisticated, civilized, law-abiding successful criminal defense lawyer and community activist who is also a father and grandfather, I have chosen to respond with a more effective reprimand.
Stay safe out there and let’s keep looking for the best in people. Most people do step up, especially in times of global crisis and near panic.
Shabbat Shalom. Daven well for all of us, especially for soon-to-be-reformed bullies.
