Chapter II
It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to find a new wife. Some say he had her killed while others say that he just divorced her. The FBI was appointed to investigate the matter. Then the King fired the head of the FBI. He claimed "I have never met anyone so stupid - and BELIEVE ME, I have met a LOT of stupid people. NOBODY is better at noticing how stupid people are than me. Nobody. And let me tell you - he is STUPID." A long investigation uncovered nothing after key documents were put through a shredder and emails were erased. Vashti's personal email server had been hacked and tampered with.
He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which, in accordance with multi-cultural practices, consisted of, among others, one woman, one Indian, one black Jew, and one handicapped person, who was also rumored to be gay. One of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested holding a beauty contest, attended by all the fairest maidens in the land. But his female advisor informed him that Memoochan was a Neanderthal living in the dark ages, and that beauty contests where men gawk at women walking around in swimsuits had long ago gone out of fashion. [She suggested that the King make the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue illegal.] Instead, she suggested giving a test in such subjects as physics, literature and music, and the most intelligent woman would be made queen. The woman had to be a college graduate from an Ivy league school who had extensive experience in foreign affairs [the king - as is well known - had many foreign affairs. He was SUPER at "International Relations"]. And the King, already lagging in the public opinion polls, had no choice, and he said to make it so.
Now it just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a young Jewish girl named Esther [called by her friends "Estee"] who was very beautiful, but much more importantly, had a 195 IQ. [She was, as we know, Jewish. Jews are the smartest group of people on the planet. That is what enables them to control the world's banks etc.] Her resume was quite impressive. Harvard grad. Worked as a COO in Silicon valley for 5 years at a start up. Spent a summer as an Oxford scholar with Sheryl Sandburg. They were very involved with the Chabad there. Wrote 3 books that made the Shushan Times best seller list. Having successfully sued her parents for termination of custody, she had been living with her uncle Mordechai [called by his students "Rav Mutti"]. Esther aced the test [without the curve I used to take advantage of in high school] and was chosen to be the new queen. Only, the homosexual community objected to the word "queen", and the feminists didn't like the whole gender-based title thing, so it was decided that she would just be called "Royal Person." [Some suggested "Yoetzet Ha-melech" but that was rejected as sounding more like a psychologist than a queen].
So Esther was crowned "Royal Person of Persia" [others objected that "person" had the word "son" in it, once again perpetuating the male hegemony, so they called her "Royal Perdaughter" or "Royal Per"] and was married to King Achashverosh, though she kept her own last name. And being that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own right, and had no intention whatsoever of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty, she was given her own staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the palace.
The King was very happy because rumor had it that Vashti had being suffering from a serious case of acne and the King refused to be married to a woman with unsightly pimples. Esther had a clear [albeit greenish] complexion. The King LOVED green because it reminded him of the color of his money.
