Eric Barker
1) Positive Self-Talk
A while back I interviewed a Navy EOD Team Leader, a bomb disposal expert. His superior officer once told him a story about trying to defuse a mine while underwater — and realizing that he had become trapped, unable to move his hands or feet. What was the next thought that went through the chief’s head?
“I’m still breathing, so that’s good. Now what else do I have that’s going for me?”
Now that’s what you call “looking on the bright side.” Steven Southwick and Dennis Charney studied resilient people for over 20 years. They interviewed Vietnam prisoners of war, Special Forces instructors and civilians who dealt with terrible experiences like medical problems, abuse and trauma. And what was one of the things that kept all of these survivors going? Optimism.
By starting with the good, but staying realistic about the facts of the situation, our EOD’s superior was able to stay calm and focus on what he was able to control and start taking steps toward resolving the situation. Our EOD friend explains:
He’s like, “If you can wiggle your fingers, the line that’s wrapped around you or whatever situation you’re in, if you can do one little thing to make it a little bit better, then do that. If you can do another thing and then another thing, and then you can have cascading positivity as opposed to spiraling negativity.” You get to know the technical parameters of whatever job you’re doing and then you go, “Is this really an emergency? Yeah, but it’s really only an emergency if I can’t find a solution. What is my next step to make this situation just slightly better?”
Again: He was underwater, unable to move his hands or feet, and was next to an explosive device. But he didn’t see it as an emergency.
It was only an emergency if he couldn’t find a solution. That's optimism. But how can we stay optimistic when the news is 24-7 death statistics? Well, it's all about that voice in your head.
It’s estimated you say 300 to 1000 words to yourself per minute. Olympic athletes and Navy SEALs agree: those words need to be positive. One of the Olympians said:
Immediately before the race I was thinking about trying to stay on that edge, just letting myself relax, and doing a lot of positive self-talk about what I was going to do. I just felt like we couldn’t do anything wrong. It was just up to us. I said, “There’s nothing that’s affecting us in a negative way, the only thing now is to do it, and we can do it . . . I just have to do my best.”
And as I discussed in my book, positive self-talk is one of the four techniques the Navy used to increase SEAL graduation rates from 25% to 33%.
We all spend a lot of time thinking about what we say to others. To stay strong during this challenging time, give a little more thought to what you say to yourself. And make it positive.
Positive self-talk can help keep that brain of yours steady. But guess what? Your brain is part of your body. So we need to keep our bodies strong too...
2) Physical Fitness
Again and again, Southwick and Charney's research found that the most resilient people had good exercise habits that kept their bodies strong.
The stress of exercise helps us adapt to the stress we will feel when life challenges us.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
Researchers believe that during vigorous aerobic exercise, the “anxiety-sensitive” person is forced to tolerate many of the same symptoms (that is, rapid heart rate, sweating, and rapid breathing) that frighten him or her during periods of anxiety. Over time, the “anxiety-sensitive” individual who continues to exercise vigorously can learn that these symptoms of arousal are typically not dangerous, and the fear that these symptoms trigger gradually decreases in intensity (Salmon, 2001)
And feeling physically prepared changes your attitude. When I interviewed Special Forces Lieutenant Colonel Mike Kenny he said that being physically conditioned makes you more confident and this creates an upward spiral elite operators rely on:
Something that people underestimate is that preparedness is not only that you’re hardening and conditioning your body, but there’s a powerful mental aspect. Physically, you know you’re prepared. You and your mind are going, “I’m ready for this. This is what they said their standard was, and I know I can do that. I know I’m at this level so that whatever they throw at me I know I am adequately conditioned.”
It's easier to be strong when you feel strong.
So your mind is positive and your body is fit. Now how do we leverage those to face the challenges ahead?
3) Make It A Game
When I hear an idea over and over from very different sources, I take notice. And “make it a game” is one of those concepts:
What’s one of the things people who live through disaster scenarios have in common? They make survival a game.
Happiness expert Shawn Achor said the best way to deal with stress is to see problems as challenges, not threats.
Kids do better in school when it’s treated like a game.
Navy SEAL James Waters told me the same thing about getting through the tough times at BUD/S:
Many people don’t recognize that what they’re doing at BUD/S is assessing your ability to handle a difficult circumstance and keep going. It’s a game. If you want to be a Navy SEAL, you’ve got to play that game. You’ve got to have fun with it and you’ve got to keep your eye on the bigger picture.
Face it: things right now are a lot more like science fiction than everyday life. We're walking around wearing breathing masks for crying out loud. So roll with it. When games are challenging we don't give up -- we just keep playing. That's their magic.
So stop seeing the challenges you're facing as inconveniences and see them as challenges to be overcome in a video game. You're not a schmoe stuck at home; you're braving the wilds of a post-apocalyptic landscape in order to acquire vital provisions.
Yes, it's silly. But we could all use a lot less serious and a lot more silly right now. And it works.
So get a little silly. In fact, we need a lot more silly. Because another thing that our panel of researchers, disaster survivors and elite military units agree on for getting through tough times is...
4) Humor
You would think Navy SEALs, Rangers and Special Forces would be all serious and stoic like heroes in action movies.
Well, they definitely know how to be serious when needed but it shocked me when time and time again in separate interviews I heard them all say the same un-serious thing helped them cope with the toughest times imaginable: laughter.
What did Army Ranger Joe Asher say got him through some of the most punishing training out there?
I said, “You know what? If I can laugh once a day, every day I’m in Ranger School, I’ll make it through.”
Navy SEAL James Waters said the same:
You’ve got to have fun and be able to laugh; laugh at yourself and laugh at what you’re doing. My best friend and I laughed our way through BUD/S.
And in researching Special Forces, sure enough, I heard it again.
Via Chosen Soldier: The Making of a Special Forces Warrior:
This training is serious business, and it will demand your best effort to be successful, but every day, try to smile at least once. A little humor will help you to get through this, and it might even help some when it starts to hurt.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
Substantial evidence exists for the effectiveness of humor as a coping mechanism. Studies involving combat veterans (Hendin & Haas, 1984), cancer patients (Carver, 1993), and surgical patients (Culver et al., 2002) have found that when humor is used to reduce the threatening nature of stressful situations, it is associated with resilience and the capacity to tolerate stress (Martin, 2003).
Now we can't laugh all the time. We need a bit of seriousness to help us get past a very serious threat...
5) Embrace Meaning
What was the #1 thing one researcher found when studying people who triumphed over tragedy?
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
Dr. Amad found religious belief among survivors to be the single most powerful force in explaining the tragedy and in explaining survival.
But what if you’re not religious? No problem. When we look across a broader range of studies what we find is it's some form of meaning in life that matters. And most often that comes in the form of a deep connection with others.
The emotionally resilient people that Southwick and Charney studied all had a strong sense of right and wrong. Despite being in situations that could threaten their lives, they always thought about others, not just themselves.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
In our interviews, we found that many resilient individuals possessed a keen sense of right and wrong that strengthened them during periods of extreme stress and afterward, as they adjusted to life following trauma. Also altruism – selflessness, concern for the welfare of others, and giving to others with no expectation of benefit to the self – often stood as a pillar of their value system, of their “moral compass.”
Much of the strength from religious activity comes from being a part of a community. So you don’t have to do anything you don’t believe in, but you want to be a part of a group that strengthens your resolve.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
For example, the relationship between resilience and religion may partly be explained by the social quality of religious attendance. The word “religion” comes from the Latin “religare” meaning “to bind.” People who regularly attend religious services may have access to a deeper and broader form of social support than is often available in a secular setting.
Many of us are by ourselves right now, including yours truly. But being by yourself doesn't have to mean you're alone. Text, call, or break out the Ouija board. If we connect, we'll persist.
Sum Up
This is how to be resilient:
Positive self-talk: When you talk to you make sure you are nice to you.
Physical fitness: Stress your body a little bit every day and it will handle the big stresses to come that much better.
Make it a game: Obstacles in life make us wanna quit. Meanwhile games drive us to keep playing until we win. So make life a game.
Humor: If a laugh a day got Joe Asher through Ranger School, it'll get you through quarantine.
And the last one was Embracing Meaning via community. Let's start there. You might think people who survive disasters do it by putting themselves first...
And you'd be wrong. When Laurence Gonzales compiled the research on those who get through life threatening situations what he found was the exact opposite.
Those who help others were more likely to survive.
Via Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why:
Helping someone else is the best way to ensure your own survival. It takes you out of yourself. It helps you to rise above your fears. Now you’re a rescuer, not a victim. And seeing how your leadership and skill buoy others up gives you more focus and energy to persevere. The cycle reinforces itself: You buoy them up, and their response buoys you up. Many people who survive alone report that they were doing it for someone else (a wife, boyfriend, mother, son) back home.
Venice might be an island but you are not. We're all in this together.
"Social distancing" is a poorly worded term. Physical distancing is important right now to prevent the spread of the virus.
But we need to stay as socially close as possible.
