By Rabbi Gershon Avtzon
“Dear Rabbi: I am not allowing myself to get depressed, as you would not be happy. What can I do for you?” These are the exact words that I wrote in an email to my beloved Rosh Yeshiva and personal mashpia, Rabbi Akiva Wagner A”H, on 16 Teves 5780 – soon after I heard about his being diagnosed with the dreaded illness.
Before I share his answer, which is something that we all – and especially his talmidim – need to take to heart, I would like to share some personal thoughts and reflections on the Rabbi Akiva Wagner that I merited to learn from and be connected to. I am sharing these stories and reflections, as per the email that I received from him during the Shiva of Rabbi Zalman Baras A”H: “In keeping with the directive והחי יתן אל לבו, I am using this opportunity to share the following recollection about the late chosid and mashpia Rabbi Zalman Baras a”h.”
The public image of Rabbi Wagner is that he was an extravert that was blessed with a “geonishe kup”. The Rabbi Wagner that I came to know was a natural introvert that pushed himself – beyond himself – because he was a Gaon in Ahavas Yisroel. Yes, all those hours of Farbrengen, and time reaching out to individual Bochurim, was an Avodah for him that he pushed himself to do out of true caring and Ahavas Yisroel.
I vividly remember that excitement that he had when he called me over one day to share a new derher that had in the Maamer Basi Legani 5711. In that Maamer the Rebbe brings examples of our holy Rabbeim doing things which are seemingly not rational or logical – “shtus Dikdusha”. He looked at me and said: “Gershon: Did you ever realize that all the stories are stories of Shtus Dikdusha in Ahavas Yisroel”?
While Rabbi Wagner was known for his Chessed and warmth, he was uncompromising and stubborn in his Chinuch decisions. He was the pioneer for mandatory learning throughout the summer for all Bochurim, and he sacrificed much (he shlepped his family to Postville, CGI Montreal, Budapest Hungary – amongst other places – and then spent thousands to buy a grounds in Starlake, NY) to make sure the Talmidim learned in the summer. In addition he stubbornly started each Shnas Halimmudim on Rosh Chodesh Elul – even if Talmidim had to leave overnight camp early – so that they have a real “Elul Zman” in Yeshiva. Many of these radical Chinuch decisions have become mainstream today and it is all his zechus.
Above all, he innately understood something about the responsibility of Mechanchim today – especially after Gimmel Tammuz. While in years back, we naturally felt capable and conceited (and the Yetzer Hara pushed the feeling of Yeshus) the tafkid of the Mashpia was to ingrain bittul into his Talmidim. Today things have changed: The Yetzer Hara of today tries very hard – and is very successful – at convincing us that we are worthless and we will never account for anything in life. The Mashpia today needs to empower the self-esteem and aspirations of his talmidim. The talmid must see in his mashpia that complete faith and belief that he has the ability to grow and be successful (in a bittul way).
In this regard, Rabbi Akiva Wagner – and his Farbrengens – were unmatched. His Emuna in the Rebbe, and in the Rebbe’s children, was always felt and permeated everything he said. He exemplified the saying of the Baal Shem Tov – the Hayom Yom of the day of his untimely Petirah (17 Iyar) – “The Baal Shem Tov concluded: “I want to bring Jews to the point that they will yield the kind of harvest that G‑d’s ‘cherished land’ can yield.”
There is so much to reflect, to internalize and to share. The time will come for that, but now let’s focus on Rabbi Wagner’s response to my original question: “Simcha, and Torah umitzvos. Someone sent me a picture of tehillim in Cincinnati, thank you so much! We should only share with one another besuros tovos umesamchos, mitoch simcha vetov levov!”
This response encapsulates his entire essence: He lived to inspire his Talmidim to serve Hashem – and the shlichus of the Rebbe – with joy in all of life’s circumstances. It is easy to be joyful when things are good in an apparant way, but it takes true Avodah to be joyful through the pain. We, the talmidim of Rabbi Akiva, must realize that we need to continue doing our Shlichus with joy. That will bring him joy.
But there is one more very important thing: While at this point, we will continue to show our love and appreciation to Rabbi Wagner through “Simcha and Torah umitzvos” – his immediately family needs our financial support and help. Our hakaras Hatov needs to be expressed in this physical way by clicking: https://raisethon.com/rabbiakiva
May we all be Zoiche to be reunited with Rabbi Akiva Wagner A”H with the Hisgalus of the Rebbe, Now!
An eternal Talmid – who is in mourning
Rabbi Gershon Avtzon
Cincinnati, Ohio
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By Rabbi Dov Wagner
Yesterday, we got up from shiva for my brother Akiva.
Last night, we did our best to celebrate my nephew’s engagement (Mazal Tov to Noam’s son Chaim!)
Today, was back to excruciating, standing with my 9 nephews and 3 nieces as they said Tehillim and Kadish at their father’s graveside for the unveiling.
And now, I’m in the airport. Honestly, really don’t want to be right now. But I have a shlichus – a mission. Right now, it’s to join my students on their Israel trip. To continue fulfilling my purpose.
It’s a rollercoaster. Not the fun kind.
Last night, several hundred of Akiva’s students gathered on Zoom commemorating the end of the shiva. I shared a story. Reb Zalman Shzerbiner once entered the study of his Rebbe – the Rebbe Rashab – on the morning of the eve of Yom Kippur. “Gut Yom Tov” he cheerfully greeted the Rebbe. But the Rebbe was in a different frame of mind. True, it’s a holiday, he said to Reb Zalman. But it’s the eve of Yom Kippur, the most awe-inspiring and serious day of the year.
“A chossid is a soldier,” was Reb Zalman’s response. “When it’s time to cry, we cry. When it’s time to celebrate, we celebrate. Right now is holiday, and so we celebrate. When the time comes to cry, we’ll do that as well.”
It’s been a time to cry, for my family and for thousands around the world who have been hit hard by my brother’s passing. But now it’s time to start the next step. Vehachay yiten el libo – let the living take to heart. We need to take his lessons to heart and incorporate them into our lives.
Shiva was a week filled with stories. In person, on WhatsApp, online. People told us about Akiva’s heart: the students he let in without tuition, the loving care he constantly showered on his students, the way each one felt appreciated and loved. The student who was “busted” sneaking away to the library to use the free internet to email his mother – who instead of veing punished was given open access to Akiva’s office for whenever he would need to send an email again.
People told us about Akiva’s head: The two volumes of his Torah insights currently in publication, the thousands of pages and hours of recordings still to be compiled, his near genius ability to assimilate information into novel expositions. The time he made up to test a potential student at 1:30 in the morning after a lively farbrengen. Though he seemed completely exhausted and out of it, he still astounded the brilliant student by rattling off – by heart and with his eyes closed, sprawled on the couch – page after page of intricate and involved Talmudic teachings.
They told us about his humility: how he would often cook himself for the yeshiva when needed. How if a student fell asleep during a late farbrengen on a couch in his home, he’d wake up to find a pillow and blanket lovingly placed. How he exemplified to his students respect and dedication to his teachers and mentors.And they told us about his dedication: every day, praying deliberately and word-by-word in passionate devotion, complete faith and cate even through unimagineable pain in the past few years.
What they didn’t know as much about was his personal life: his incredible attentiom to each of his children, the deep impact he made on each of his siblings, his devotion to our parents through thick and thin.
There are so many lessons to learn and apply. Greater care in prayers and blessings, greater devotion to Torah study, deeper passion for the spiritual life of a chassid.
Which leads me to one more story. I heard this from Akiva when I was his student in Yeshiva 30 years ago. He told of a peasant in Russia, who was asked what he would do if he had a million rubles. I’d give it the Czar, he responded without delay. And if you had a flock of cattle? I’d give them to the Czar. What about if you had two chickens? Two chickens? he said. That, I’d keep.
But why?
Because that I actually have!
It is easy to commit to big things that aren’t real to us, Akiva taught us. But making the little changes, taking the real steps that make us better people – that’s often so much harder.
Akiva is someone who worked tirelessly every day of his life on bettering himself amd those around him. I hope we can all take that example to heart, and looks for real and concrete steps we can each take to improve and grow. Please think of a mitzvah you can do in his merit.
Thank you! May we always share only simchas from now on.
