Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Link On The OTD Tragedies

An article from a therapist in Brooklyn claiming that kids off the derech are ALWAYS the parents fault. 

I wonder if that includes Avrohom Avinu [Yishmael], Yitzchak Avinu [Eisav], Dovid Hamelech [Avshalom], and many gedolim and tzadikim over the generations [I won't name any lich'vodam] or is it just a contemporary phenomenon?

I am still not convinced. There are many wonderful families who have kids that went off. But who knows - maybe I am wrong. He claims that if we search closely we will find the root cause is always the parents.   

It is important to note that there are differing levels of kids going off the derech. How many families are there where ALL of the kids are exactly how the parents educated them to be? To date I know of none.... [Actually I just thought of one family that might fit the bill.  The father is a well known Rav and all of the children are either rabbonim or married to one]. When parents are super-frum and the child is modern and wears blue shirts and has an iphone [not that I equate the two] that is also a form of going off the derech. People who write and lecture on this topic often themselves have kids with who they are not 100 pleased. Going off the derech doesn't have to be chilul shabbos or not wearing a kippah.

Sometimes there is reverse rebellion where the kids become much more religious than the parents. That can also be attributed to bad parenting. The kids are turned off from the parents so they react by becoming very pious and devout. So why blame the parents when sometimes their bad parenting had a positive effect? And how many families have ZERO dysfunction? Both parents are stalwarts of perfection? Where the Shalom Bayis is PERFECT? There is no such thing. Every family has "stuff". So it is easy to attribute all of the kid's problems to the "stuff" but not necessarily accurate or fair.  

Of course parents must always be loving, accepting, usually non-critical etc. etc. but these things are VERY complex. 

I saw the Steipler was quoted as saying that sometimes the parents did all they could and Hashem sent them a test through no fault of their own. 

I would go with the Steipler [not that he needs my haskamah] because I know too many great families who have at least one off. We live in a CRAZY generation.