I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from depression at some time ... does that mean that one enjoys it?
My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.