A little while back I was experiencing a tremendous amount of emotional distress. It was the confluence of various factors that all converged on me at once and BOOM - they hit hard.
I was having trouble coping, so I did what many strong, resilient men have done in my position - I cried. I cried in private and I even cried numerous times in public. They weren't premeditated cries [are cries ever premeditated?] or give-me-sympathy cries but stemmed from overwhelming feelings of helplessness that induced uncontrollable sobbing. I would walk down the street crying. Out loud. And I didn't care what people thought about me. When I see Breslovers dancing in the middle of the street I don't hesitate to join them, because I don't care what people think. I believe that we need more spontaneous dancing on the streets so when I get a chance to join some people who are uninhibited - I grab it. So if I can dance in public and risk that people will think I am weird, I can also cry.
The word in Hebrew for cry is בכי, which comes from the word נבוך - perplexed [נבוכים הם בארץ סגר עליהם המדבר - The Jews didn't know where to go so they were נבוכים]. When a person is perplexed, stuck, overwhelmed, unable to cope - he or she cries. A woman cries at her husbands funeral because she is helpless and has no other way to express this feeling. She feels "I love this man more than anybody else in the world and now he is lying motionless in a grave". She would do ANYTHING to get him back but she feels powerless. So she weeps and weeps.
A less extreme example: A child's ice cream falls to the ground. He REALLY wants this ice cream and now he sees it mercilessly melting away on the sidewalk. What does he do? He cries. Crying expresses a deep sense of helpless, hopelessness, inability to do anything practical to salvage the situation and like I said, perplexity - a deep, existential perplexity.
One day I was walking down Kanfei Nesharim street and I found a little pillar off to the side, sat on it and wept uncontrollably [sounds pathetic? It was]. A sweet, religious, teenage girl approached me and asked softly in Hebrew if there was anything she could do. I looked at her, thought about my problems and came to the conclusion that no, she really can't do anything to help. So I thanked her for her concern and assured her that there was nothing she could do. She came back moments later and brought me some tissues. She clearly didn't know that I have no problem using my sleeve but she meant well...:-). I thanked her and she moved on - clearly shaken by the sight of a well dressed and seemingly sane man in his forties crying so much on a public sidewalk. I was impressed by her feeling that she has to do SOMETHING for this person - even if it is only tissues. She should be blessed wherever she is.
Another time, I davened in a side room in shul because I was in the habit of crying during davening and since I knew that in advance, I didn't want to make a spectacle of myself [so I CAN be embarrassed..]. After davening, a neighbor of mine approached me and asked if everything was OK. I don't remember what I answered but if a guy is crying like that it probably means that not everything is OK. It wasn't.
Is what I did good or bad, right or wrong? Well, I am not a fan of judging others and I don't even think it is right to judge ourselves - especially when we are feeling tremendous distress. Chazal say אין אדם נתפס בשעת צערו - ב"ב ט"ז - A person can't be blamed for what he does at times of pain.
But I will offer a few observations:
1] Most people would be embarrassed to be seen randomly crying in public for no apparent reason but I wasn't. Not that I lack dignity or self respect because I feel a great deal of both but I needed to cry so I did. We don't have to be inhibited. Emotion is a great gift from Hashem. We should use it. Most people suppress most emotions and it is not healthy. I have no problem walking down the street singing out loud or befriending complete strangers. It makes for a richer more fulfilling life. I am not saying that you should be like me but I am saying that you should think about how much you don't let yourself be you for fear of what other people think.
2] People don't really think of you much, so don't worry about it. Really. Your problems are yours and yours alone and nobody else [except maybe your mother] is losing sleep over them, so don't worry what people are thinking because they aren't. Like one comedian once said - Women in relationships spend so much time agonizing about what the men in their lives are thinking about them when in fact men aren't thinking much at all... At least not about the relationship. The Packers - Broncos game maybe but not dissecting the relationship as women do. In the same vein - whatever you do, people aren't really going to care too much. So don't worry what people are thinking when they aren't. And even if they are -WHO CARES!!! Let them think whatever they want. I have still not found one convincing reason to care what people think about me. It says in Pirkei Avos that we should be glorious in the eyes of Hashem and our fellow man but that means that we should be good people - not that we should constrict our personalities. BE YOURSELF. You are most lovable when you are genuine.
3] Crying is a GREAT release. I really felt much better after each cry even though I had the exact same problem before and after.
4] I haven't cried in a while but not because I am not crying inside. Most of us are - whether we are aware of it or not. I just found other coping methods that would make others in my vicinity more comfortable. Our job is to be our true selves but we also have a task to bring joy into the lives of others and crying or being sour faced doesn't accomplish that. The חובת הלבבות says about a chossid that אבלו בלבו וצהלתו בפניו - His pain is in his heart but his joy is on his face. Everybody needs your smile.
5] That being said - I am one of the happiest people I have ever known. If you ask people in my neighborhood who the happiest guy in town is I will guess that most of them will point to me. I am happy in a uninhibited way. I love life. I love learning Torah. It is the greatest pleasure imaginable. I love being Jewish. I love living in Israel. I love being a parent. I love people. I love Shabbos. I love Chagim. I love Hashem. Life is suuupppper geshmak. If you want to be happy - fill your life with love.
6] We all have pain and we all have so many things to be thankful for and to celebrate. I don't think we should deny our pain [that is why I wrote this extremely revealing post] but I also think that our challenges shouldn't prevent us from being overwhelmed with joy every second of every blessed day on Hashem's beautiful earth.
A GANTZ YAHR FREILICH!!!!!!
BECAUSE HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE AND .....
