Rabbi Pliskin
“I grew up in an angry home. I was blamed for all kinds of things. This had a very negative effect on my self-image,” a successful businessman told me. “From what I had heard about the negative impact of being angrily blamed throughout one’s childhood, I wasn’t certain that I would be able to develop a truly positive self-image. I was told by a number of people that such a childhood would leave scars for the rest of my life. “A major turning point in my life came when I met another businessman at a convention and we traded life stories. His childhood had been much rougher than mine. He grew up in a dangerous neighborhood, and putting other people down was the norm. “I asked him, ‘But don’t you have scars?’ “He answered, ‘I have plenty of scars. Knives were the weapon of choice where I grew up. Fistfights were common, and needing stitches wasn’t considered a big thing. But those cuts healed. I have a bunch of scars to prove that I’ve healed. “‘But how I view myself depends totally on my own thoughts. I had a great teacher in high school. My teacher said to me, “Other people might say anything they want about who you are. But it’s your own choice of words and actions that creates who you really are. Your character is up to you. The only thing that counts is what you say to yourself about who you are. What others say to you is just their opinion. Their opinion is their thoughts. It’s your own thoughts that lead to your words and actions that count.”’
“He concluded, ‘I know deep inside that I have the potential for greatness. Every human being does. My teacher was much wiser than all of those who put me down. I accepted that wise teacher’s attitude as the basis for my own thinking. You should also adopt my teacher’s attitude. Through me, my teacher is now your teacher also.’”
If you are frequently angry and insulting to others, this section was written especially for you. Actually, even if you are angry only once in a while but your words tend to cause others distress, this note could be benefcial. Parents and teachers who are frequently angry and insulting cause their children and students to suffer a lot from those angry outbursts. They suffer in the present and they might have to work very hard to build up a crushed self-image in the future. Teachers with this angry and insulting behavior pattern embarrass their students in front of their friends and classmates. This can be highly painful and damaging to a developing self-image. Someone with a frequently angry and insulting spouse will experience much distress and suffering. The anger and insults can easily lower the self-image of the suffering spouse.
To benefit yourself and others around you:
• Develop your own happiness and joy. A happy person is usually calmer to be around and is more respectful to others. • Gain greater mastery over the ability to stay calm and centered, even if you have valid reasons for being irritated, frustrated, and angry.
• Master the ability to consistently speak with self-respect and respect for others. If you need to correct someone, do it in a way that they feel respected. Have the self-mastery to refrain from speaking in ways that cause distress to others. Words that cause others pain are considered onaas devarim. The Talmud states that causing someone pain with words is worse than cheating them financially. Make a strong commitment to be careful with what you say and the way you say it.
• Gain such a positive sense of self that you accept feedback. When people could tell you that your anger and insults cause them high levels of distress. Instead of arguing, seriously listen to what they say. Respond to such feedback, “Thank you for pointing this out. I am resolved to conquer my anger and speak to you more pleasantly.” As you improve your self-image, you will start to realize on your own if you need to make conquering your anger a high priority. Even when you are angry, make it a high priority to watch what you say. Every single human being deserves to be spoken to respectfully. I’m almost certain that there are many people to whom you do speak pleasantly and respectfully.
