A Ray Of Mussar

I have a terrible tendency to replay events in my mind and torment myself for not doing or saying the right thing. It could be the most innocuous things. I felt that I didn't thank someone effusively enough or that I didn't smile when I saw someone or that I didn't express enough empathy or sensitivity or care [even though I felt it in my heart]. "Terrible" things like that. Sometimes the feelings continue for years and something will trigger the memory and I will once again feel badly. Or maybe somebody asked me for a favor and I said no and even though they looong ago forgot about it - I feel rotten. Every shiur is an opportunity for me to relentlessly pound myself afterwards for things I said and shouldn't have or things I didn't say but should have. Recently somebody did ME a big favor and every interaction I have with him I feel sooooo guilty because I could have once done something for him and I didn't [because I was dependent on someone else who wasn't willing to help]. Of course, I feel even worse when I actually did something wrong.

I know this isn't healthy and it is also clear to me why I have these destructive feelings but they are HARD to shake.

This past Friday I was going to use public transportation to arrive at my Shabbos destination. A VERY good friend contacted me and offered a ride. I gladly accepted and he said that departure would be at 4:00pm right outside my building.

I told myself "Al! Don't be late. He is doing you a favor." GRRREEAAT.

At 10:00am I took the subway to the Vorhand shul uptown for a pre-shabbos dip in mikva [where I was joined by a CUTE rubber ducky, wearing sunglasses]. Then I went to the kosher supermarket to pick up some food. [Nechi - if you are reading this, PLEASE save me. I can't take being wifeless anymore. I have to go food shopping in supermarkets! This is too much for me. I also wanted to buy my host's a gift as a SMALL token of my appreciation but I didn't know what was appropriate. See paragraph 1.] I get home and it's 12:00pm. I have 4 hours!!! Plenty of time.

So I learned a little and then made a few "short" phone calls. Why does a short phone call last over an hour?? [One person reading this knows about the phone call and to you I say HELLO!] Oy me!!! Well, it gets closer and closer and I hurriedly packed and to make a long story longer I leave the apartment two or three minutes late. OOYYYYY did I feel rotten. How can I have repayed him "evil" in return for his kindness. [My psychologist (i.e. me) interjects "This borders on the pathological. Completely out of proportion."]

I press the elevator button and up comes Ray, the black elevator man, a very cheery, upbeat, optimistic sort. [He also seems to have an uncanny memory for people who were in his elevator many moons ago for 30 seconds.] I told him what happened and how distressed I feel.

He said something so true I hope I can engrave it on my soul. It went something like this. "Don't worry about it. After you say 'hello, how are you doing' and two minutes pass it will be forgotten" and he smiled.

THAT is the secret!! Don't worry about it! Don't torture yourself for such minor infractions. You cause yourself many times more anguish than you made him feel. Don't walk around for years with guilty feeling for things about which the offended party [if there even was one] has long forgotten. Of course you should have tried to be on time but KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE. We are all human.

If you actually did something wrong or bad - it's not the end of the world either. Say sorry and continue serving Hashem bi'simcha. These feelings just sap your energy and distract you from what you must accomplish in your limited time on earth.

I really hope this post helped somebody [besides making all the people who know Ray laugh]. It sure helped me...

Indeed a "Ray" of mussar.

Blessings to all.....

[To those who came tonight - this was the story I promised and I thank you for coming:-)]