For many teenagers, the pressure to be “perfect” is an unavoidable reality; whether it's envying those students who appear to ace every subject at school with ease, longing to be one of the popular kids, or wishing to rank among the star athletes, almost all teens have experienced the pain of feeling “less than” at some point.
While this is nothing new in itself, since the advent of the digital revolution, this pressure has become exponentially more invasive; the average teenager today has almost unlimited access to a wide variety of social media networks, all of which send endless notifications updating her on the life of her peers—Showing off every smiling couple, every outing she's not a part of, every vacation her own family can't afford to take.
Additionally, teenagers often follow other teens they have never met in “real life”—popular figures on Facebook or Instagram who have accrued thousands of followers due to their good looks and style. These individuals carefully curate their images; they never post a bad photograph (and it's usually unknown whether they retouch their photographs or not), never wear the wrong clothing, never appear to have an “off” day or to be ordinary in any way. In essence, these social media celebrities bring the unobtainable standards once reserved for fashion models in glossy magazines into the everyday world of the teenager. As such, for many adolescents, the pressure to emulate such impossible standards begins to feel very close to home and real in a way that prior generations never had to experience.
According to many experts on childhood development, the combination of vulnerability that teenagers have (a product of the many changes they are going through), their need for peer validation, and the way they naturally compare themselves with others frequently forms the perfect recipe for self-doubt. Emerging evidence suggests that the illusion of perfection portrayed on social media is therefore uniquely damaging to many teens, and moreover, it also frequently leads to them trying to mask their own sadness and insecurity rather than share it, faking happiness to “fit in” online.
This pressure doesn't simply vanish as young adults leave adolescence behind, either; in fact, it often intensifies when they enter college. The unrealistic standards they have set for themselves during their teen years lead to incredible stress in the face of higher stakes and harder work (all of which must be managed without the support of family and friends back home). These young people keep trying to impress and to appear “perfect”, often in an effort to make new friends and find their footing in an unfamiliar environment, but eventually the bubble bursts—sometimes with dire consequences.
So prevalent is this phenomenon that researchers at Stanford University coined the term "duck syndrome" to describe it after a rash of suicides in college-aged young adults who had previously given off the appearance of being model students, referring to the way a duck appears to glide calmly and easily across the water while in reality, its little legs are thrashing valiantly just below the surface. Further investigation revealed that all of these students had carefully-crafted social media images, replete with smiling photographs and inspirational quotes. To look at their Twitter and Facebook pages, one would think they hadn't a care in the world and that excellence came easily to them.
Depression has long been an “invisible illness” in many people—young or old—but the way that social media encourages young people to interact behind a mask of perfection creates a smokescreen even the most attentive parents and friends often cannot see through. While most experts do not believe that social media alone can cause depression, it's becoming more and more evident that it can aid and abet the disease, both through hiding its symptoms and through increasing the depressed individual's feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing. A social media feed is, after all, a constant reminder of who the young person feels he or she “should” be, and reviewing his or her own expertly-crafted content can instill deep feelings of living a lie, of never being able to measure up not only to others, but to his or her own public image. The more the young person gazes upon his or her “ideal self”, the less forgivable his or her flaws seem by comparison, and the worse the cycle of depression and overachieving becomes.
How to Help Teenagers Combat the Pressures of Social Media
The best way to prevent this cycle of pressure and denial from becoming so extreme that it ends in tragedy is to make sure they don't go on social media. That is the ideal for every Jew.
Next best [for Gentiles] is to begin helping teens manage the effects of social media as soon as they become active on it. This is a daunting task for most parents who, not having been raised with social media themselves, often feel unable to understand what their teen is going through.
There is, however, a lot parents can do to help their teens use social media safely and responsibly; if you're unsure of how to begin, try reviewing the tips outlined below:
- Don't dismiss the importance of social media to your teen. Parents often fail to realize just how large a role social media plays in their teen's life, and believe that their teen can just “switch it to off” or that taking the teen's phone away can solve the problem. Try to remember that teens have grown up in a world where “virtual reality” is a part of everyday reality, and as such, they cannot readily distinguish between the two—the fights, break-ups, compliments, and insults that occur online are just as affecting to these young people as “real life” events. Encourage your teen to talk about what happens on social media, and when he or she does open up, never dismiss the events discussed simply because they happened online.
- Encourage your teen to think critically about what he or she sees online. Make your teen aware of the fact that many people manipulate what they post to make their lives seem better than they are, whether it's digitally altering images or trying to pretend they have more money or more friends than they actually do. Make sure your teen knows not to take social media at face value, and suggest that she take some time each day to reflect on how social media makes her feel—how do these images affect her mood? Is it really a good idea to keep browsing if she notices it causing her to feel poorly about herself?
- Show your teen that it's okay to fail. As a parent, you are your teen's primary behavioural model; you can use this role to mitigate some of the harmful effects of social media through not hiding your own failures, but rather discussing them and showing your teen healthy ways of dealing with making mistakes. Demonstrate how failure helps us to learn, eventually leading to success.
Likewise, you should always take the time to praise your teen for making an effort, even if he or she does not succeed, and don't be afraid to reveal that you often have to work hard for what you have.
- Consider taking a vacation somewhere with limited internet access. If possible, take your family on annual vacations that also serve as a “social holiday”; this can help teens to begin to put social media into perspective, along with opening their eyes to the world around them.
Finally, be sure to remain aware of your own reactions to social media—if your child seems unhappy or is isolating himself, don't let it go just because he posts smiling selfies and happy quotes to his social media pages. Let him know that it's always okay to open up and talk to you, and assure him that his home is one place where he never has to pretend he's “perfect” in order to be loved.
