As I mentioned, someone with whom I have been davening for the last 5 plus years went to lie down two days ago for an afternoon nap and didn't wake up. He wasn't old and he wasn't ill. It happened just like that, out of the blue.
Nothing happens in a vacuum.
Today I was told that he had a tremendous amount of stress that he was holding inside. You would never know. He was very quiet, soft spoken, easygoing and minded his own business. He didn't exactly radiate joy but most people don't. Chasanim and Kallos radiate joy. That is because they are literally high on chemicals in their brain such as dopamine that make them so happy. All of us married are essentially in the same situation as a Chosson and Kallah - they are married and we are married. We just aren't particularly excited about it and they are. You won't meet a friend and ask him how he is and he'll say "AMAZING". Why, you inquire? "BECAUSE I GOT MARRIED", he replies. You make a quick cheshbon that his oldest is 16 years old and that he has only been married once.... Doesn't happen. No dopamine. [There should be more but is another shmooze]. Still, this man didn't seem particularly disturbed, just introverted. But now I found out how much pain and stress he was experiencing. THAT is [apparently] what killed him.
When I was a child of about 5 or 6 I learned a life lesson. A nice lady in school asked me how I am doing. I started telling her for real "I have been having this ringing sound in my ear that is bothering me...." I saw that she had tuned out [maybe to focus on the ringing sound in her own ear or maybe she was wondering that if it is ringing why don't I just pick it up??]. I learned then that "how are you" doesn't mean that the person really cares. It is another way of greeting you. So when I go to Fairway on 74th and Broadway and the black lady at the checkout counter with the long bright pink and purple fingernails named "Tasheeka" asks me how I am, she doesn't REALLY want to know. She is just doing her job. [I answer "GREAT TASHEEK!!! How's it by you??" One cashier in a supermarket once greeted me "How are you, sweetie" or with some other name of endearment. I am like "I just met you. I don't know if our relationship has reached that level yet..."] Only my shrink [full disclosure - I don't have one nor do I want one. When I get old imy"H, I will shrink. In the meantime, I have found my own ways of coping and being bi-simcha without having to pay someone 300 dollars to tell me how to cope and be bi-simcha when they themselves often aren't doing so well with their own life situation] is interested in how I am and the question "how are you?" is supposed to generate 45 minutes of interesting conversation, which may or may not help me but will certainly help him/her pay their mortgage...:-). But the average person's "how are you?" just means "hello, you exist. Later".
So here is the mussar haskel: BE THAT GUY/GIRL WHO REALLY CARES AND WANTS TO LISTEN. There are so many people out there who are under stress and wish they had an empathetic, listening ear. Studies have proven that people who feel that they have a loving support base live longer, healthier and happier lives. So you don't have to go to medical school to help people live longer. Just use those funny hamentashened-shaped organs on the sides of your skull and LISTEN. You will not only help other people but help yourself become more human.
דאגה בלב איש ישיחנה לאחרים!!
