I was reading a book and a line jumped out at me: Expectation is resentment under construction.
Much of our unhappiness stems from expectations that aren't met. It is the gap between what you actually have and what you think you should have. We all have things we want and don't [yet] have and spend a lot of time thinking about how much we want those things and being bothered that we don't have them.
In Modern Hebrew [and I'm a modern guy馃榾], expectations are called "爪讬驻讬讜转". That same word also denotes the feathers in a pillow case. The famous basketball player turned Baal Teshuva Doron Shffer once told me that 爪讬驻讬讜转 are for pillows. Having expectations constantly not met is not a recipe for happiness. If you want something and see that you will never get it - stop wanting it!! It is an avodah but a worthwhile one. Find reasons that you really don't want it.
We often have expectations from people. Here is a golden rule to remember: Almost nobody wakes up in the morning thinking about how their goal for the day is to fulfill your expectations of them. Your mother did when you were a baby. Maybe if you are dating and the other person is really into you then for a short time you will be at the top of his or her list. [After you get married a battle will often start - each side trying to ensure that their needs are being met]. If you are a boss maybe you will have employees who want to keep their paycheck coming so they will aspire very strongly to please you. But in general, most people are focused on their own needs. We were created that way because that is how we survive. Here and there people will meet your needs. The waitress will bring you your food [although maybe not a quickly as you expect...], the doctor will examine you and try to give you the best medicine [we should never need it], the teller at the bank will take your deposit and insert it into your account [讻谉 讬专讘讜!!!] etc. etc. But after you get your service, move out of the way - there are others waiting in line.
The person giving you the service has his own motivation for providing it. Imagine tomorrow there was a new law - nobody gets paid for doing anything. How many people would go to work?? This is not a criticism of human beings. We were created with a certain nature and we must recognize it. We are very connected to ourselves and our own needs and much less to others and their needs. Example: How many people cry when they think of the over 373,000 deaths of corona over the last couple of months? I don't see people crying. But what about the funeral of a loved one? We almost all cry. Why do we cry over the loss of ONE PERSON and not a loss THREE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THREE THOUSANDS times more?? Because when the loved one died it is a personal loss. When people are dropping in Italy it is sad but we go on with our day. Not personal. When we have a toothache it bothers us more that the fact that at that moment millions have cancer. THAT is the human condition. Recognize the animal and conquer it!!
So when we get up in the morning we think of OUR needs. Thankfully, part of our needs includes also fulfilling the needs of others - be it at work or home or in various chesed projects. But our strongest concern is our very small orbit. So if I am thinking about myself so much - what are the odds that others are thinking of you? Slim. Unless they need something from you. How many phone calls-letters-emails-face-to-face-encounters do you get where you are asked for money? It never ends. How often do you get called up etc. etc. being OFFERED money? Like - never. Do people get up and say "Today - I am going to fulfill the needs of so and so". Not likely. So DON'T build up great expectations of others. Your needs are not as critical to them as they are to you.
That all being said, the idea must be qualified. We as Jews believe that our purpose on this planet is to fulfill the needs of others. We are commanded to be like Hashem - Imitateo Dei. 讜讛诇讻转 讘讚专讻讬讜. Just as Hashem 讻讘讬讻讜诇 spends all day every day doing for others [for he lacks nothing Himself], so we should aspire to do the same. That is from our end. We have to work on ourselves to be focused a little less on ourselves and a little more on others. This concern should not be driven by any personal motivations but should be as pure and altruistic as possible. Our "selfish" motivation should be that this person is an extension of myself and fulfilling his or her needs is really a fulfillment of my own. [See the Hakdama to Shaarei Yosher and Rav Dessler in Michav M'eliyahu who talk about this idea]. We are all part of one large soul and the successes of others are our own and so their failures are ours.
However, we can't expect others to see us as extensions of themselves. That is a madreiga that not everyone has reached or is even aware of. We will be a lot happier if we just appreciate whatever others actually do for us and lower our expectations of them to the barest minimum. There are a lot of very good people out there who care about others but almost never to the same degree that others care about themselves. Good to keep that in mind. It will save a lot of anger, frustration and resentment.
Expectations are resentments under construction.
Think about what your expectations and try to modify them or think of ways you can fulfill them without having to depend on others.
