Giving Advice

Recently I called an acquaintance. I try to avoid talking to this person because after just about every conversation I have with this person I feel yicheeeeee. But he called me and one weakness I have is that when someone calls me I try to call them back, so I returned his call.

He made a number of mistakes and since it's more fun learning from the mistakes of others than from our own, I thought we could use this as a guide for life.

:-)

I told him about a decision I made and he offered, FREE OF CHARGE, some advice. He told me I was wrong and should change my mind. I counted 3 mistakes.

1] One should not give UNSOLICITED advice. Giving somebody advice can be quite patronizing. It implies that I know what is better for another person more than he himself does. With a baby or young child this is often true,we DO know more than they do what is better for them. But the more mature the person, the more we should trust that he knows what his true needs are. If a person ASKS for advice the attitude should be: "You know better than I do what is best for you, but as an objective observer I will suggest that ....." This empowers the other person to feel that they are in no way inadequate. It is hubris to adopt the stance that I know what another person should be doing and a great show of humility to show the person that he really has all of the knowledge he needs to make the right decision and all I can do is present a fresh objective opinion.

Sometimes people ask me whether they should marry a boy or girl he or she is seeing. BY GOLLY! How can I tell another person if he or she should should marry someone. I know what I need in a spouse and what attracts me but another person has a completely different set of needs and likes. What I can do is try to help the person gain clarity to come to a clear, rational decision.

2] He advised me without understanding where I am coming from. It was soooo off-base. It was like a young child asks an adult what he should read and the adult smugly answers "The Wall Street Journal". Great idea - for the adult. But a seven year old child would probably benefit more from a comic book. From his perspective it was good advice but he wasn't able to see things from my perspective and the decision was for my life and not his.

3] He imposed his opinion on me. I know numerous people like this and find them very difficult to handle. As Churchill once said "There are some things, up with which I will not put." I know somebody who is approached by thousands of people for advice and his attitude is always "If you want, you can follow my advice. If not - that is fine too. It's up to you. איני אומר קבל דעתי." This person's attitude was "You are being stupid. Do what I say." One should be humble enough to let the other person choose for himself.

To summarize: Only give advice when asked [or at least ask permission before offering your opinion]. Step into the other person's shoes before advising. Don't be pushy. The other person has to live with his decision - not you.

By the way - I felt really yicheeee after the conversation. So I decided, instead of getting angry - blog it.

LOVE AND BLESSINGS:-)!!

[From the archives of mevakeshlev]